Made for deep intimacy...

Last night our pastor’s wife had a typical “Tonya” moment.  If you knew her then you would know what I am talking aboutJ  Her humor and her klutziness always give us a good laugh.  A lot of times it’s not even her humor but that she is just humorous in her being that makes us laugh.  Last night Lance was excited to hear more in Genesis.  He made the statement, “tonight’s the big night” while we were eating dinner together.  Tonya took that statement to mean that I must have been ovulating and so we must have been going to try for a baby when we got home.   After the study we had gathered and were praying for rain, praying for our nation and praying for his people to turn back to him.  Tonya was praying for our fertility.  While she was praying silently, Dwayne began praying aloud, “we pray for those in heat…”.  Tonya thought he was adding to her prayer and what a peculiar way of saying itJ 

Sometimes you feel like a prayer is just for you or the message was sent just for you to hear.  God can reach out and individually affect our lives.  This morning I read an article from a pastor.  Although it discussed loneliness in the midst of not having a partner or close friends, I still felt like it was just what I needed.  The pastor stated that in our loneliness, we should see it as a helper.  Loneliness is not an enemy but is a reverberation of our purpose here—we are made by God and we are made for God.  “Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee.” –Augustine.  I think that all I need is another baby to love and hold or my Gideon back and then most of (or all of in the latter situation) my pain will go away.  But this is my delusional reality.  Children are wonderful blessings but are not the purpose of why we are here.  The pastor states that loneliness is like a sticky note that reminds us, “Don’t forget for whom you were made.”   The author goes on speaking of viewing loneliness as a friend that helps draw you closer to God.  He then points out that loneliness has an ugly twin sister named “fear”.  This is where I am.  My heart feels lonely without my son here.  And then I have fear—fear that I will never conceive again, fear that I am not good enough for that blessing, fear that plans will not work out if we are given another baby.  Then there are fears of this happening all over again—loss.  I fear that we will not be good enough.  But like the author says, I must remember that God does not love me because I am lovable but because HE IS LOVE.   “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” –Romans 8:32.  I must remember that I may not have Gideon here but I have Christ.  I may not be pregnant yet but I have Christ.  I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.  He sees my imperfections, my ins and outs and he knows my heart.  He wants good things for me—whatever those things may be.  And although I pray for a baby—the reality, as harsh as it may seem, is that I may not get another baby.  This may not be God’s plan.  I know that I am in his will in trying to conceive because I have prayed, asked and listened but just because he has given me the okay to begin trying again does not mean that I will definitely conceive.  Often times he has us do things for the learning that comes with the test.  I pray that I am soaking up every ounce of knowledge and that I am truly growing closer to him because this would be the ultimate purpose.   My flesh fears that I will not get what I want; my heart trusts that all He does is good (regardless if it’s what I want or not).