Faith comes from...

The issue of faith is not so much whether we believe in God, but whether we believe the God we believe in. - RC Sproul

--Day  after day, I find more truth in this statement. 

I believe in God—I have no problem in that believing.  But there are days when I wrestle with believing his goodness for me.  I wrestle with the fact that he has a plan for us—a plan that is better, greater and far exceeds anything that we could imagine.  Some days it is hard to remember that he is the conductor and that he is gracefully arranging the notes in my life to play out a beautiful masterpiece. 

Over the weekend we went to two different church services other than our own.  On Saturday night it was Church on the Move with Pastor Willie George.  He spoke about faith.  He recalled a story about when his daughter had been 10 and she had fallen from an upper level onto the concrete floor and landed directly on her head.  He took her home, thinking that she was just a little shook up and bruised.  At home she began vomiting.  They called their doctor who told them to go ahead and bring her in and that someone would be there to check her out.  There had been an ice storm that night but they ventured out anyways only to arrive at the office to find the lights turned out and the doors locked.  They called the pediatrician who told them to come back first thing in the morning.  They arrived first thing in the morning after a night of Charity repetitively vomiting.  The pediatrician looked her over, a bit perturbed that the staff had closed the clinic early the night before and then sent them across the street to have imaging done.  The doctor came out and handed them the films in a large manila envelope with a solemn face and told Pastor George to go directly to the emergency room and the staff would be waiting for him.  He knew then that it was serious.  They rushed over and the staff ushered them back immediately.  They had frequented the ER many times before for broken limbs and open wounds but this time it was different.  There was no waiting in the lobby or asking for insurance forms.  No, this time they went straight to a room.  The surgeon came in to talk them and told them that there was a large bleed over their daughter’s brain and it needed to be evacuated immediately.  He could not guarantee that she would make it.  He could not guarantee that there would not be lifelong complications.  They were amazed that she was doing so well to begin with.  Instantly as the doubt and the fear started to rise up within him, he heard a small, small voice from within him say, “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  He began saying this verse over and over.  He prayed out loud against complications, death, side effects all the while, doubt was still swirling around his thoughts.  He could here Satan tell him time and time again, as they pushed her through the operating room doors to when the doctor came out to give them an update, “you might as well as forget it.  She is gone.  He’s not going to save her.  Get your support group together because you are going to need them.  He’s not helping you.”  He continually repeated Mark 11 verse 23.  “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  His message was pointing out that God wants us to say it.  In that verse alone the word say is used three times as opposed to believe that is used only once.  He pointed out other places where God puts emphasis on how important our words are.  He pointed out the story of the Roman servant whose master had asked for healing for his servant in Luke 7:6-10.  The master did not want Jesus to come but to only speak the words of healing.  The Centurion knew the power of authority having many soldiers under him and by being one under authority himself.  He knew the power of simply saying a word to get things to come or to go.   He had faith in the spoken words of Jesus.  Luke 6:45 …for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.  I don’t believe that pastor George was saying that it is more important for us to simply say than it is to believe.  But he was guiding us to how important our spoken words are.  I wouldn’t call him a say it, claim it preacher or myself a say it, claim it believer, but I can definitely find truth in the importance of speaking.  God knows how are mind works.  He knows that we are human.  We like to go into panic mode, start doubting, stop believing and he knows that satan is there to ensure that our minds get more tangled up in ourselves and lies instead of wrapped around the truth—that GOD IS GOOD.  (by the way—his daughter made it through without a single complicationJ) 

Then Sunday, when going to watch Lance’s three children be baptized along with Harley Joe, Pastor John spoke of the power in the name of Jesus.

             I took these messages, much like I try to take every message and apply them to my life.  I so desperately want to have another baby.  I have seen stories and photos the past few days of birthday parties, family vacations and baby play-dates.  I have wrestled with hearing those doubts…”He will never bless you with another child.  You couldn’t care for the one you were given.  You placed too much emphasis on working than you did on being a mommy.  If he does give you another one, you won’t be able to live out the plan that you have and if you do then you will be so broke that you would never even be able to take those vacations.  Your baby should have been there but you messed up.”  I believe in the goodness of God yet these thoughts come streaming through my mind.  So I tried to quiet them.  I placed my hope in His promise and I repeated, “I am pregnant.  He does want good things for me.  I am blessed and He will continue to bless me because this is His promise.”  I repeated this over and over, thinking of the faith of that tiny mustard seed and saying it out loud.  The significance of that verse is not the amount of our faith—that we have a little or that we have a lot--but that the mustard seed being tiny is able to overcome a “mountain” in comparison to its size.  Seeds planted have to push up through obstacles, like the dirt that’s on top of the seed. Your seed of faith must go through things if it is going to mature. 

So this was my weekend and the beginning of my week.  I was fighting back the coveting and the jealousy and speaking the word of God.  I was speaking for things to be.  I was speaking so that satan would not win.  Then last night, a resounding “NO” screamed through our home.  Yet another confirmation that we are not pregnant and this time three days before schedule.  It was a slap in the face.  To know that we are pregnant just feels like it would make things easier.  Angry, I cried out to God once again.  “Why?  Where are you?  Why aren’t you blessing us?  Why have you forgotten me?  Why have you forsaken me?”---my weak flesh caving in.  My spirit being broken.  The bitterness rising up within me.  I wept in my bed, as my husband sat next to me torn between leaving for work or staying with his broken wife.  I cried out to God, desperate for Him to restore me but feeling like I was forgotten.  I cried myself to sleep. 

I know that His timing is perfect. 

…“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid…”

This is my prayer for today.

 I am taking some time away from facebook updates so that I can center back on Christ and find that strength to face these challenges.  This trial that He has brought me into will not be won by satan.  For I believe the God of the Bible and I believe in His promises....

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.