the help....

Lance and I attend two home groups with our church.  We were originally only frequenting one on Monday nights but after Gideon left us, we started attending the Wednesday night group as well.  The group is a little big and we are technically members of the Monday group but they have been gracious enough to allow us to continue to come.  The time will come though that we will have to leave and when even the group may be divided because it is getting too large.   To put it like Jared, I hope we have to draw straws or something because I don't see any of us wanting to pick sides and leave one another.

Anywho, in the Wednesday night study we are going through Genesis.  I love Genesis.  Genesis is where it all begins.  Genesis is where God begins to reveal himself to us.  And recently, Genesis is where I really see what God designed me to be.  I will just briefly share a part of my role through the eyes of God.  I was designed to be a helper.  Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”  This does not mean that I am inferior to my husband, Genesis 1:26 and 27 explains that God made us in His image, male and female in his image.  Therefore we are equal.  I do not need to join a feminist movement, strike on shaving or curse like a sailor to prove my equality.  God did it back there on day 6.  No, I am not inferior.  I am a helper.  In Genesis 2, we see God unfolding His plan in us.  He sees Adam alone and declares that he needs someone.   So God decides to take a rib from Adam to make Eve.  God could have used any bone or even chosen to use something completely different or even created Eve out of nothing.  But he chose a rib.  This is important.  This reiterates that we are equal.  God formed Eve from a bone taken from the side of her husband—not from above, below, behind or in front of but from the side.   The best place that I like to be is nestled up next to Lance with his arm around me and our sides touching.  God made me from that nook.

So God made me to be a helper…what exactly does that mean?  Well, before He made Eve, he made Adam to work (Gen 2:15).  At this time, his work was blessed.  In 3, the curse comes and I would agree that this is where the work became hard.  But in 2, life was good.  Work was easy and Adam loved to work.  So I look at my husband—he loves to work.  He complains sometimes of the ins and outs of his job but he loves to work.  Many times, I have ridden with him on night shift and he was dreading working.  He didn’t want to do anything.  He didn’t want to make stops.  He didn’t want to be pro-active.  But as the night went on and he became active in his work, he began to enjoy it.  He loved being busy, bouncing from one call to the next, or one stop to the next.   And now, he doesn’t pray for money to bring in extra funds to get the student loans paid off or the house finished, he prays for work.   So my husband is a worker.  In his work, he has to be gone from the home 40 plus hours a week and sometimes he is away more than he is at home because he has picked up extra work.  So with him being made to work and him following through with God’s design for him to work, where do I fit into this puzzle?  I would say that it is my job to make his work easier.  It is my job to make his burden lighter.  If he is away at work then it is my job to ensure that things are taken care of at home.  And when you think of it, it makes sense.  God made me to carry the baby for 9 months—not the worker.  He made me to make the milk—not the worker.  I would also say that by design Lance is more rough and rugged.  He is stronger than I and more agile.  I am more comforting and nurturing.  We saw a great deal of the difference during our brief parenting and our bouts with colic—nights of Gideon crying with me in near tears trying to console him, while lance simply says, “ah boy, shush it and shake it off.”!!  I remember so desperately wanting Gideon to be on a schedule for when I went back to work so that I could work and care for him in the office.  But I was the milk machine—producing 24 hours a day by design.    I know that this may come across as sexist to some of you—“Are you really saying that the wife should care for the home and the kids while the husband does nothing?”  No, I am saying that the wife should take care of the home and the kids while the husband is providing for the family.  Lance is a great husband.  He helps out often.  During the last week of maternity leave and during the ice storm when Lance would have to venture to work but I was able to stay home, there were many nights where when dinner time came, he offered to hold the colicky baby, prepare the meal or go and get Cherry Berry for the worn out mama.  There is give and take.  He may help me but ultimately, the dishes, the clothes, the babies are my responsibility. All the while he respects me in that role.  He doesn’t leave his glass in the livingroom or his dirty laundry strewn across the house because it is my job to clean it up.  Just as I do not spend his paycheck on frivolous things in hopes that he will only make more.   “So a woman can’t work?”  She can, but her first priority after God is to be her husband. 

Of course this relationship is more than just household duties and making a paycheck but this is all I felt led to discuss tonight as I wait for my bread to rise and bake.

I have been venturing out in my baking abilities with my latest endeavor being a rendition of birdseed bread.   Baking is therapeutic.  I love baking and creating a meal for a large crowd or for my sampling of one.  (perhaps because that is who I was meant to beJ)  I enjoy making things that Lance and I can take with us to work and things that will last throughout the week.  I want us to be able to eat healthy and this is one thing that I can do to help us save money by not buying bread from the store (which for the same quality of bread at Whole Foods is about $5 plus a loaf) and help keep us from eating junk.  I made this bread last weekend for community from a recipe that I found online and it was so yummy for our breakfast slice with Nutella and our afternoon sandwiches that I had to make it again.  Hope you enjoy….

I had to go to Reasor's to get the Red Mill 7 grain cereal.  I couldn't find it at the Wal-Mart here.  (this is one of the many things that the Reasor's employees helped me to find and it was on the cereal aisle--clever spot:-))

• 1 1/4 cups 7-Grain Cereal 
• 2 1/2 cups Boiling Water 
• 3 cups Unbleached All Purpose Flour (plus extra for dusting) 
• 1 1/2 cups Whole Wheat Flour 
• 4 Tbsp Honey 
• 4 Tbsp Unsalted Butter, melted and cooled slightly 
• 2 1/2 tsp Instant Yeast 
• 1 Tbsp Salt 
• 3/4 cup Raw Pumpkin Seeds or Sunflower Seeds (Raw Shelled) 
• 1/2 cup Oats, Rolled, Regular Old fashioned 

also was unable to find these little jewels at Wal-mart where the nuts were all salted and roasted.  The recipe calls for raw nuts but I was still unable to find the raw sunflower seeds.  After a few trips around the Reasor's store, we decided this was the best that we were going to find and I wasn't up for  a drive to Whole Foods (driving across town to buy sunflower seeds to make a bread to help save money while wasting gas didn't seem reasonable!)They tasted great in the bread.

Directions 1. Place cereal mix in bowl of standing mixer and pour boiling water over it. Let stand, stirring occasionally, until mixture cools to 100�F and resembles thick porridge (about 1 hour). In a separate medium-sized bowl, whisk flours together.

2. Once grain mixture has cooled, add honey, melted butter and yeast. Stir to combine. Attach bowl to standing mixer fitted with the dough hook. With mixer running on low speed, add flours � cup at a time, and knead until dough forms ball (1-1/2 to 2 minute); cover bowl with plastic and let dough rest 20 minutes. 

after about an hour, the cereal should be thick and cooled down to about 100

butter, honey and yeast added in

adding the flour...

3. Add salt and knead on medium-low speed until dough clears sides of bowl, 3-4 minutes (if it does not clear sides, add 2-3 Tbsp additional all-purpose flour and continue mixing); continue to knead dough for 5 more minutes. 

4. Add seeds and knead for another 15 seconds. Transfer dough to floured work surface and knead by hand until seeds are dispersed evenly and dough forms smooth, taut ball. Place dough into greased container with 4-quart capacity; cover with plastic wrap and allow to rise until doubled, 45 to 60 minutes.

5. Adjust oven rack to middle position; heat oven to 375�F. Spray two 9� x 5� loaf pans with nonstick cooking spray. Transfer dough to lightly floured work surface and pat into 12� x 9� rectangle; cut dough in half crosswise with knife or bench scraper.

6. To shape loaves, start with one dough (from step 5). With short side facing you, start at farthest end, roll dough piece into log. Keep roll taut by tucking it under itself as you go. To seal loaf, pinch seam gently with thumb and forefinger. Repeat with other dough. Spray loaves lightly with water or nonstick cooking spray. Roll each dough in oats to coat evenly. Place loaf seam-side down in grease loaf pan, pressing gently into corners. Cover lightly with plastic wrap and let rise until almost doubled in size, 30-40 minutes. (Dough should barley spring back when poked with knuckle.)

7. Bake until internal temperature registers 200�F on an instant-read thermometer (35-40 minutes). Remove loaves from pans and cool on wire rack before slicing, about 3 hours.

Magnificent. Glorious. Triumphant…..

This morning I received a message from a friend.  Her heart hurts for us and longs to be home—the true home.  I had no encouraging words.  I often feel the same way.  All I could do was tell her how I felt and then these strange words typed from my fingers…what a glorious day it will be.  Glorious?  5 months ago did I ever say the word glorious?  I typed it and I thought about it.  The word is fitting.  The word is perfect.  Awesome, great, amazing, fantastic, and even terrific are great words but they just don’t seem to fit when it comes to standing in Jesus’s presence or the re-uniting of a mother and her son.  Glorious just fits.  A great sale is awesome.  A miracle is amazing.  Getting to leave work early is fantastic and a date night with my hubby is terrific.  But meeting Jesus face to face and seeing Gideon again is just glorious.   

Made for deep intimacy...

Last night our pastor’s wife had a typical “Tonya” moment.  If you knew her then you would know what I am talking aboutJ  Her humor and her klutziness always give us a good laugh.  A lot of times it’s not even her humor but that she is just humorous in her being that makes us laugh.  Last night Lance was excited to hear more in Genesis.  He made the statement, “tonight’s the big night” while we were eating dinner together.  Tonya took that statement to mean that I must have been ovulating and so we must have been going to try for a baby when we got home.   After the study we had gathered and were praying for rain, praying for our nation and praying for his people to turn back to him.  Tonya was praying for our fertility.  While she was praying silently, Dwayne began praying aloud, “we pray for those in heat…”.  Tonya thought he was adding to her prayer and what a peculiar way of saying itJ 

Sometimes you feel like a prayer is just for you or the message was sent just for you to hear.  God can reach out and individually affect our lives.  This morning I read an article from a pastor.  Although it discussed loneliness in the midst of not having a partner or close friends, I still felt like it was just what I needed.  The pastor stated that in our loneliness, we should see it as a helper.  Loneliness is not an enemy but is a reverberation of our purpose here—we are made by God and we are made for God.  “Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee.” –Augustine.  I think that all I need is another baby to love and hold or my Gideon back and then most of (or all of in the latter situation) my pain will go away.  But this is my delusional reality.  Children are wonderful blessings but are not the purpose of why we are here.  The pastor states that loneliness is like a sticky note that reminds us, “Don’t forget for whom you were made.”   The author goes on speaking of viewing loneliness as a friend that helps draw you closer to God.  He then points out that loneliness has an ugly twin sister named “fear”.  This is where I am.  My heart feels lonely without my son here.  And then I have fear—fear that I will never conceive again, fear that I am not good enough for that blessing, fear that plans will not work out if we are given another baby.  Then there are fears of this happening all over again—loss.  I fear that we will not be good enough.  But like the author says, I must remember that God does not love me because I am lovable but because HE IS LOVE.   “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” –Romans 8:32.  I must remember that I may not have Gideon here but I have Christ.  I may not be pregnant yet but I have Christ.  I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.  He sees my imperfections, my ins and outs and he knows my heart.  He wants good things for me—whatever those things may be.  And although I pray for a baby—the reality, as harsh as it may seem, is that I may not get another baby.  This may not be God’s plan.  I know that I am in his will in trying to conceive because I have prayed, asked and listened but just because he has given me the okay to begin trying again does not mean that I will definitely conceive.  Often times he has us do things for the learning that comes with the test.  I pray that I am soaking up every ounce of knowledge and that I am truly growing closer to him because this would be the ultimate purpose.   My flesh fears that I will not get what I want; my heart trusts that all He does is good (regardless if it’s what I want or not).

Faith comes from...

The issue of faith is not so much whether we believe in God, but whether we believe the God we believe in. - RC Sproul

--Day  after day, I find more truth in this statement. 

I believe in God—I have no problem in that believing.  But there are days when I wrestle with believing his goodness for me.  I wrestle with the fact that he has a plan for us—a plan that is better, greater and far exceeds anything that we could imagine.  Some days it is hard to remember that he is the conductor and that he is gracefully arranging the notes in my life to play out a beautiful masterpiece. 

Over the weekend we went to two different church services other than our own.  On Saturday night it was Church on the Move with Pastor Willie George.  He spoke about faith.  He recalled a story about when his daughter had been 10 and she had fallen from an upper level onto the concrete floor and landed directly on her head.  He took her home, thinking that she was just a little shook up and bruised.  At home she began vomiting.  They called their doctor who told them to go ahead and bring her in and that someone would be there to check her out.  There had been an ice storm that night but they ventured out anyways only to arrive at the office to find the lights turned out and the doors locked.  They called the pediatrician who told them to come back first thing in the morning.  They arrived first thing in the morning after a night of Charity repetitively vomiting.  The pediatrician looked her over, a bit perturbed that the staff had closed the clinic early the night before and then sent them across the street to have imaging done.  The doctor came out and handed them the films in a large manila envelope with a solemn face and told Pastor George to go directly to the emergency room and the staff would be waiting for him.  He knew then that it was serious.  They rushed over and the staff ushered them back immediately.  They had frequented the ER many times before for broken limbs and open wounds but this time it was different.  There was no waiting in the lobby or asking for insurance forms.  No, this time they went straight to a room.  The surgeon came in to talk them and told them that there was a large bleed over their daughter’s brain and it needed to be evacuated immediately.  He could not guarantee that she would make it.  He could not guarantee that there would not be lifelong complications.  They were amazed that she was doing so well to begin with.  Instantly as the doubt and the fear started to rise up within him, he heard a small, small voice from within him say, “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  He began saying this verse over and over.  He prayed out loud against complications, death, side effects all the while, doubt was still swirling around his thoughts.  He could here Satan tell him time and time again, as they pushed her through the operating room doors to when the doctor came out to give them an update, “you might as well as forget it.  She is gone.  He’s not going to save her.  Get your support group together because you are going to need them.  He’s not helping you.”  He continually repeated Mark 11 verse 23.  “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  His message was pointing out that God wants us to say it.  In that verse alone the word say is used three times as opposed to believe that is used only once.  He pointed out other places where God puts emphasis on how important our words are.  He pointed out the story of the Roman servant whose master had asked for healing for his servant in Luke 7:6-10.  The master did not want Jesus to come but to only speak the words of healing.  The Centurion knew the power of authority having many soldiers under him and by being one under authority himself.  He knew the power of simply saying a word to get things to come or to go.   He had faith in the spoken words of Jesus.  Luke 6:45 …for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.  I don’t believe that pastor George was saying that it is more important for us to simply say than it is to believe.  But he was guiding us to how important our spoken words are.  I wouldn’t call him a say it, claim it preacher or myself a say it, claim it believer, but I can definitely find truth in the importance of speaking.  God knows how are mind works.  He knows that we are human.  We like to go into panic mode, start doubting, stop believing and he knows that satan is there to ensure that our minds get more tangled up in ourselves and lies instead of wrapped around the truth—that GOD IS GOOD.  (by the way—his daughter made it through without a single complicationJ) 

Then Sunday, when going to watch Lance’s three children be baptized along with Harley Joe, Pastor John spoke of the power in the name of Jesus.

             I took these messages, much like I try to take every message and apply them to my life.  I so desperately want to have another baby.  I have seen stories and photos the past few days of birthday parties, family vacations and baby play-dates.  I have wrestled with hearing those doubts…”He will never bless you with another child.  You couldn’t care for the one you were given.  You placed too much emphasis on working than you did on being a mommy.  If he does give you another one, you won’t be able to live out the plan that you have and if you do then you will be so broke that you would never even be able to take those vacations.  Your baby should have been there but you messed up.”  I believe in the goodness of God yet these thoughts come streaming through my mind.  So I tried to quiet them.  I placed my hope in His promise and I repeated, “I am pregnant.  He does want good things for me.  I am blessed and He will continue to bless me because this is His promise.”  I repeated this over and over, thinking of the faith of that tiny mustard seed and saying it out loud.  The significance of that verse is not the amount of our faith—that we have a little or that we have a lot--but that the mustard seed being tiny is able to overcome a “mountain” in comparison to its size.  Seeds planted have to push up through obstacles, like the dirt that’s on top of the seed. Your seed of faith must go through things if it is going to mature. 

So this was my weekend and the beginning of my week.  I was fighting back the coveting and the jealousy and speaking the word of God.  I was speaking for things to be.  I was speaking so that satan would not win.  Then last night, a resounding “NO” screamed through our home.  Yet another confirmation that we are not pregnant and this time three days before schedule.  It was a slap in the face.  To know that we are pregnant just feels like it would make things easier.  Angry, I cried out to God once again.  “Why?  Where are you?  Why aren’t you blessing us?  Why have you forgotten me?  Why have you forsaken me?”---my weak flesh caving in.  My spirit being broken.  The bitterness rising up within me.  I wept in my bed, as my husband sat next to me torn between leaving for work or staying with his broken wife.  I cried out to God, desperate for Him to restore me but feeling like I was forgotten.  I cried myself to sleep. 

I know that His timing is perfect. 

…“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid…”

This is my prayer for today.

 I am taking some time away from facebook updates so that I can center back on Christ and find that strength to face these challenges.  This trial that He has brought me into will not be won by satan.  For I believe the God of the Bible and I believe in His promises....

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

Control....what was that again?

7/21/11
Lance and I have been “making babies” (a term we picked up from our counselor since the term “trying” implies to fail) over the past couple of months.  We have yet to actually “make” a baby.  Over the past couple of weeks, I began getting discouraged--wondering if this is really what God wants for us.  Were we meant to have more?  Was Gideon the only baby that I would have?  Aren't I deserving?  Is it too soon?  What are the plans that he holds for us?  Was a baby in our near future?  And then really, how near is nine months when I want a baby now?  Every failed test was just one more month plus nine more months of waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.  The wait was enjoyable before.  But now I just want a bundle of joy to wrap my arms around, snuggle and never let go of.  I would think that with all of this waiting, I would be reminded that I am not in control.  I would think that I would be able to look at my close friends—some who have waited for more than a year for God to give them a baby only to find a negative test or a monthly visit from an aunt by the name of flow, and see that God is in control.  But it took a study over the 3rd day of Genesis and an application summary from a friend for the comfort to come.
11 Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds.
--The image was given of a single plant, a single tree, a single blade of grass that had been created by God that reproduced and multiplied.  The blanket of vegetation spread from one end of the earth to the other--and all of this in one day.
Our pastor’s daughter recently came back from a mission’s trip to Peru.  She had been gone for a while and during her last three months she decided that she was going to start a church plant in one of the villages.  A leader and friend that was there with her asked what exactly she was trying to do.  She explained it to him.  He gave the response that it wasn’t going to work.  She wouldn’t have enough time.  She tells that she allowed him to influence her.  In response to his comment, she told him that he was probably right and that she did really need to be there a year to get a church going.  Yet, she still went on with her church plant.  She has been back in the states for a few weeks and she reports that the church plant is still going and that they are still a gathering body of Christ—glory to God.  She told of how she was allowing someone to influence her and how she put God in a box.  She should have told him that God can do anything in any timing that he feels fit.  It’s not our determinant of how long something will take.
How true of so many of us that we try to put God in a box.  I think that term applies in many ways.  First, God has walls and he can only go so far and second, I put him there for safe keeping and get him out when I need him.  How inaccurate are both of those statements.  God has no limit and I should always need him.
This brings me back to my control.  Recently, I read an article on the Resurgence over control or the lack thereof (I think God has been trying to get this to me—thank God that Brittne spoke up and gave her testimony).  The article spoke about how we try so intensely to be in control, yet we really don’t have anything under control.  We didn’t control who are parents were, what our kids will look like, where we were born, when we were born, how many brothers or sisters we would have.  We can plan for today, plan for tomorrow but ultimately God is in control.  I can plan to be at work on time but if there is a wreck then I may be late.  I have no control.  I knew this yet somehow I wasn’t letting my spirit live this.  I go back to my opening statement about Lance and I making babies—how foolish of me.  God makes the babies.  If we haven’t gotten pregnant yet, it’s because God hasn’t given us a baby yet.  It’s not because we were unsuccessful but because we are incapable.  I laugh at the arrogance.  If we have a girl instead of a boy, it’s not because of technique but because God gave us a girl.   His timing is perfect and if he wants us to wait then we can only wait.  And we must be patient waiters.
“Patience is understanding the settled reality that we are not in control. We are at peace with the fact that life is run by someone else. When we are patient we are paddling downstream, letting the force of life guide us along, knowing we can steer, but not turn upstream. Impatience is turning the boat, rowing hard against the current; we still move downstream, but with incredible exhaustion.
We want more control than we have. But God wants patience to permeate our inner being. Why? Not just because life and its trials will require patience, but we need to reconcile our souls to our lack of control, trusting that God is good. If God is good and he is in control, then we can trust the satisfaction or obstruction of our will is the good design of a loving and gracious Father.

And that is worth the wait.”—Dave Dorr

And this was what I was feeling—complete exhaustion, run-down, tired and becoming bitter because I was navigating my boat but wasn’t getting anywhere.  Yet, all the while he was planting his fruit of patience.

I am in control of my life—really a hilarious statement if you stop to think about it.

 

my favorite bundle of joy...

It's only an arm....

6/17/11
Wednesday night at home group is typically filled with good food and some of the deepest discussion over our current bible study.  We just finished studying over Revelation and the coming of Jesus and now we are in Genesis.  The first night in Genesis, we barely got past the first four words.  We had a lot of discussion on different theories and then the second week we watched a video and explored the first four words even more.  This week we placed the study on hold because three of our members were basking up the Florida sun and we didn't want to continue without them.  Instead, we ate some great food and then had some fellowship.  We thought that it was going to be a very light evening filled with relaxation and conversation.  Our pastor had other plans--I am thankful that he did.
After pulling us in the living room, we gathered around and discussed what God was doing in our lives.  We shared what we were waiting for and where we were along our journey.  Dwayne asked the question of where we would be without the trials.  Prideful.  Self-centered.  Spiritually immature.  All of these plus more were given as we went around the room.  I was moved, and I would have to say Lance was as well of a story of a couple and their new baby.  It was exciting to see how God was orchestrating His plan throughout their lives--I hope to share more about that later.  I chose to tell our story about going to Texas and our experience at church.  I used an analogy to explain how I feel when it comes to missing Gideon, yet having faith that our Father has not set us on a path to destruction.  This is the most simplistic analogy that was brought to mind a few days before.  I explained that not having Gideon was like losing my left arm.  Glory to God that I still have my right.  I can no longer use both hands but praise Him that I can still use my right.  I am right hand dominant.  I do not have to learn how to write again!  I can continue to reach for, hold and manipulate objects with the hand that I did 90% of those things with before losing the left.  But there are times when I sure do wish I had my left.  It would make things easier.  I see other people with two arms and get to see the activities they enjoy because they have both.  I can see how they go on without a concern of just how am I going to hold this or carry that.  I can praise him for my right but I can still miss my left.  That missing isn't a feeling of desperation or of hopelessness.  It's simply of loss.  I know that I will see Gideon in Heaven again.  I know that he is playing with Jesus.  I would hope that he is the same sweet 3 month old that he left me as but if not then I know he is 6 months old, learning to sit up on his own, rolling over and beginning to crawl.  He also is getting to try some baby food.  I can enjoy life with my husband.  I can go on vacation.  I can laugh at home group with great fiends but I still miss him.  I still look down and wish that I had that left arm.  I think that we often think that if you miss something then you aren't relying on God.  I go back to my statement about Habakkuk, it's about the faith.  I have faith that God has not set us on a path of destruction and although I don't understand and although I miss my baby, I will keep my eyes set on Him.
Thursday, after home group, a friend that attends with us text Lance and let him know how much our analogy helped him.  He had been having some of the same struggles after his loss and our arm scenario really helped him to understand how he was feeling and what to do with that emotion. 
I share this story, not to give you my simple analogy but to share what happens when we open up and give our testimony.  People learn and grow from what you have to say.  We do not always get to see what we have planted in others but if God puts it on your heart to share, then you better share because someone is needing to hear it--even if that someone is simply you.  I think this was one of our deepest home groups.  The more intimate testimony time gave us a look into one another's lives and we were able to see the great things that God was doing.  I know that at least two families (ours being one of those) were affected that night by hearing another's story.  Share your story.

He did eventually love bathtime:-)

6/14/11
Yesterday was the birthday, the big 3-0.  The number really doesn't mean much to me.  I am not sure what 30 is supposed to feel like but I don't feel like I am any older than I was last year.  I know that spiritually I have grown.  God has matured my spirit and my flesh through his word and his promise.  I have fallen more and more in love with him.  I love him more than I thought I ever would or ever could.
I can say without hesitancy that I am not where I thought I would be ten or even five years ago.  It’s amazing to look at the path that God has set me on and how it varies so greatly from what I thought I would be doing.  Lance and I joke that I am the planner and he is the fixer.  When March 8th hit us this year, we were in complete disarray.  All of my plans for our family were heading out the window and Lance couldn’t fix the situation.  We were helpless and completely dependent on God.  Our own abilities (that are truly gifts from God and not our own) were rendered useless.  We had to submit to Him, find strength in Him and rely on Him.  Our faith was tested.
            This weekend we celebrated my birthday in Arlington.  I had a continuing education course scheduled for Monday and we planned on taking advantage of the warm weather and outlet malls Texas had to offer.  We stayed at the Sheraton which is one of the most family friendly hotels that we have ever stayed at.  They have an enormous pool that is made just for young kids.  With its two foot depth and its wide span and length, it is perfect for kids to get in jump, splash and paddle around without being on top of anyone else.  They also play movies at night outside, where kids are allowed to swim and watch as it plays on the wall.  Our first night, we were entertained by Nemo and the blaring voice of Dori heard over the outdoor surround system.  Our time out by the pool reminded me that I had wanted to enroll Gideon in summer baby swim classes.  I was overcome with feelings of loss because this would never be our family vacation spot with Gideon like I had planned.  There would be no six flags or Rangers games with this toddling blue eyed boy in tow.  I was also reminded that he had been to six flags and a Rangers game before—only he was still in my belly and I didn’t know that he was even here yet.  I rejoiced in that memory that God had placed in my heart.
            Sunday morning we went to church with my friend Lisa and her husband John.  I had met Lisa at Children’s Medical Center nearly 10 years ago.  I had just started working on the children’s unit after moving back from New Jersey and beginning my nursing career.  At that time, I was still set on becoming a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner but was just starting out in nursing school.  The unit was a long-term rehab facility for children with chronic health issues.  It wasn’t until much later in life that I realized how much of an impact the unit had on me and how God used that career change to help guide me and set me in my path.  I still do not know all of what God will bring from that one job but I do know that Lisa is one of those gifts He gave to me.  Lance and I try to attend church when we are away on vacation and we were thankful to have friends to be able to fellowship with.
            In the past when visiting new churches, we noticed that we never get to hear the church’s pastor preach.  This Sunday was no different.  The sermon came from the pastor of Life Church.  So there we were, 250 miles away from home in Frisco, Texas, listening to a preacher from a church that is less than 10 miles from our home in Broken Arrow.  The message was out of Habakkuk.  I was excited!
Shortly after Gideon passed, God used Habakkuk to speak directly to me.  He spoke from chapter 1:
1 The prophecy that Habakkuk the prophet received.
Habakkuk’s Complaint

 2 How long, LORD, must I call for help,
   but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
   but you do not save?
3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
   Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
   there is strife, and conflict abounds.
4 Therefore the law is paralyzed,
   and justice never prevails.
The wicked hem in the righteous,
   so that justice is perverted.
The LORD’s Answer

 5 “Look at the nations and watch—
   and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
   that you would not believe,
   even if you were told.

The scripture spoke volumes to me.  I was crying out—crying out for healing, for saving, for answers and I felt like God wasn’t hearing me.  I saw the perversion of the world around me and I didn’t understand.  We wanted our son, provided for our son, loved our son and yet we lost our son.  And there are those who have no intention of ever being a good parent and they have litters.  This was my thinking.  I wasn’t mad but I didn’t understand.  I wanted God to lay it out for me.  Why my son?  Why Gideon?  Then plain as day, as if he were sitting across from me, I was lead to this passage.  Those words spoke clearly to me, “you would not believe even if you were told.”  I remember thinking, “You are right.  Even if you did tell me, it wouldn’t be good enough.  I would never be able to wrap my finite mind around your infinite ways.”  At that moment, I stopped asking why.
            Now God was speaking to me from chapter 2:

1 I will stand at my watch
   and station myself on the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me,
   and what answer I am to give to this complaint.[a]
The LORD’s Answer
 2 Then the LORD replied:

   “Write down the revelation
   and make it plain on tablets
   so that a herald[b] may run with it.
3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
   it speaks of the end
   and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
   it[c] will certainly come
   and will not delay.

 4 “See, the enemy is puffed up;
   his desires are not upright—
   but the righteous person will live by his faithfulness.
The message was about being “in the dip”.  Throughout life we encounter dips.  Dips are the low times.  These are the times when life doesn’t seem to be going well.  As Christians, when we encounter dips, we often want to a.) go back to when we were at our spiritual high and just forget the dip or b.) turn from God because if God is letting this happen or if God is putting us through the trial then God must not be good and therefore we don’t want anything to do with him.  But there is a third choice; we can continue to keep our faith.  And this was what Habakkuk was doing.  He was continuing to trust in the Lord.  Habakkuk had just received news from God that He was going to send the Babylonians to destroy his people.  Habakkuk agreed that his people were wicked but the Babylonians were far more wicked than they and were far more deserving to be destroyed.  But Habakkuk chose to demonstrate his faithfulness to God.  He listened for what God would tell him, he wrote it down and then he waited.  The pastor made note that this is what we are to do when we are going through that dip.  First, we stop and listen.   We listen for what it is God wants us to do.  Then we write it down.  Often, Satan will try to deceive us and convince us that the plans we were told were not from God and that it was our own thinking but if we write it down then we have physical reassurance of the plan.  Then we wait.  Verse 3 states that it will come at an appointed time.  We are to remember that it is not our time but God’s time and that even though it may linger or take longer than we would hope for, God assures us that it will come and will not delay.  I may not see it in this lifetime, God, but you told me that it will come and I will have faith that your words will prove true.  The dips grow our faith.  It is the dip that draws us closer to God and spiritually matures us.  The diagram used that I can't re-post on here is that of a hill followed by a dip which leads to a higher hill.



“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

From a dedication to a donation...

6-1-11

The following is the letter that we wrote to the family that received Gideon's heart.  I have been meaning to do this since we received the update letter on where his heart went but I was always unable to just sit and give it the thought that it deserved.  Finally, I prayed and found that strength.  This is a bit redundant for those who read our posts and my notes but I felt like God was telling me to just sit and write our story--so I listened and followed through.
LifeShare gives some instructions on how to begin and close the letter and gives tips on what to include and what not to include.  The last sentence under general information states: If you are including religious comments, please consider that the religious beliefs of the transplant recipients or donors are unknown.  I contemplated for a brief moment over this statement but of course decided to tell of our true journey that involved God every step of the way.  This was our testimony and without Jesus we would be lost.  So at this time, more than ever, I was going to proclaim His name.

            It has been very difficult to sit down and write a letter but it has been on my “to do” list for the past two months.  On March 10th our Gideon went to play with Jesus and we were faced with the most tragic of events and decisions to make.  We were forced to face life without him.
            My husband and I had planned for this baby.  We sought Jesus and His approval for when to begin trying, to where to live, what car to buy, and who to send him to for daycare.  God directed our every step.  We even searched Him for the name we were to give him.  Gideon, “mighty warrior of God” was given to my husband even months before we knew that we were having a boy.  We entrusted our lives to God and His plan.  We knew that Gideon was not ours and that we were only borrowing him for the time because all good gifts come from God alone.
            We prayed over him as soon as he was born.  We asked God to continue to guide us and give us direction.  We thanked him for the responsibility.  We immediately dedicated him back to God.  We promised to raise him for the glory of God.  During his short three months, we read the Bible to him, sang Christian songs and spoke of Jesus often.  Looking at him was a constant reminder of all that God had graciously given and we could not help but give thanks and speak and teach of our creator.
            We knew that he would do great things in Christ but we had no idea what that would entail.  On mother’s day we were reminded of 1 Samuel 1:27-28, “May we give the Lord all He ask with an open hand.”  This doesn’t mean that we didn’t pray for a miracle those three days in the hospital.  This doesn’t mean that we do not still cry.  It simply means that we do not hold a grudge.  We do not blame.  We continue to praise Jesus through the blessings and through the sorrows.  Our pastor said it best, “We prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him.  So now we give Him to the Lord.”
            That morning when the final test came back, we were hit with one of our biggest decisions—do we donate or not.  I had never thought about it, not even once.  Sure, I was a donor but not my baby.  I wanted to hold him as he took his last breaths.  I wanted his leaving to be with his mommy.  I didn’t want his last hours to be spent hooked to machines with his mother nowhere in sight.  So when we were approached with the question of us donating his organs, my knee jerk reaction was no.  My husband stood firm with me, although he admitted later that he was feeling drawn to donate but did not want to make it any harder on me and force this on me.  Almost immediately after saying no, I began to feel God tugging at me.  I fought it for a little while and then agreed to hear the speech and consider the options.  I had one request—that I be able to hold him at the funeral home one last time without any machines or tubes.  They agreed and I felt more at rest about the decision.
            Through Gideon’s short three months, he touched a tremendous amount of lives.  There has been salvation through Jesus by the way sweet Gideon moved people.  We will never know until Heaven the numbers he has affected.  When hearing that his heart went to your 3 month old baby girl and that the heart had good function, we were elated.  It was one more life that our little warrior had touched through the grace of God.
                                                                        Love,
                                                                        The family of a Mighty Warrior of God

What's in a number anyway?

5/9/11
Thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes on Mother's Day.  Yesterday was not only Mother's Day but Gideon's 5 month birthday.  I had tried all day not to look at a calendar and tried to convince myself it was the seventh and not the eighth.  The number eight has a great deal tied into such an innocent number.  Refelctions of joy and loss and remembrance of a new beginning from biblical significance.  On the day Gideon was born, Lance and I would say that life just seemed to make sense.  That 8th day in December was one of the best days that we had ever experienced.  We truly felt like life was beginning as a family.  For three months, we relished our little guy and all that having him in our life had to offer and the new beginnings that were given everyday.  On the 8th of March we were faced with another new beginning--a life without the little guy that we had loved before we even met him.
We had prayed for him and with hands on my belly while he was still in the womb for God's cover, protection and guidance.  We had prayed a prayer over him shortly after birth declaring that he was God's and asking God to give us discernment and wisdom to raise him for His glory.  So when we were given the chance to stand up during baby dedication yesterday, we were unsure of what we would do or say.  I have never been to a dedication so I was unsure of what to expect.  I knew that we had planned on participating when our pastor had brought it up at the Sunday service after his birth.  But I wasn't sure how I would now participate.  My baby had not only been given back to God but God had received him.  He was now at home.  After much thought and prayer, I decided that we didn't need to participate.  There are things that I would love to say--many a repeat of words said on here but Mother's Day Baby Dedication was not the place.  We have two beautiful new babies in our congregation and this day was for them and their parents.  It was time to rejoice and give praise for the life that only God can give.  Yesterday was a day of happiness and joy to two deserving women and their families.  Simply put, God told me that it wasn't my time to speak yet.
But yes, yesterday was hard.  Was it anymore difficult than any other day?  I am not sure.  I was blessed to be pregnant mother's day last year and I truly did consider that to be my first mother's day.  I was the mommy to a growing baby who relied on me.  I found him to be just as living when he was on the outside as I did when he was on the inside.  I loved every part about being pregnant.  I was in no rush to get him out.  But when he was on the outside, others were able to enjoy him and I could enjoy physically getting to see him.  I have shared the card given to me by my grandma but I also wanted to share something from a very close friend of mine who endured a similar situation.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
 And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!"
 I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
 On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
 It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
 Right from the very start ~Author Unknown
I had shared a picture with another friend that God had given me....

When I pictured coming into Jesus' presence, I could only see Him holding 3 month old Gideon. He was cradling him, gently singing and Gideon was looking at Him with a huge smile and the deepest look of love. He assured me that he had forgotten my sin and spoke so gently, "he has been waiting for you." 

sorry: sorrowful, grieved, or sad

4/27/11
Lance is working the port tonight.  This is the first night since Gideon left us that we have been apart.  I dropped him off at the station after homegroup and headed my way home.  I have driven only a couple of times by myself over the past month.  I have learned though while being alone in the car that I probably should not listen to Christian music unless I want to cry.  So tonight I made my way and listened to fiinancial advice about money markets, lines of credit, mortgages and bank fraud on the Clark Howard show.  I was pretty certain that I would be able to keep a dry eye.  But it wasn't happening.  I found myself thinking about how Gideon used to shake it. The tears began to flow.  He would sit in his bouncer or in his tub seat and move his shoulders up and down.  He would hit the water so hard and splash.  He would grin ear to ear as if he knew exactly what he was doing--dancing and splashing.  He was just starting to really interact with us and smile back at us in a conscious response.  He was starting to really laugh.  By now my face is soaked and my eyes still full.  Clark Howard couldn't help keep the tears at bay.  I began to talk to him as I do almost everytime that I am alone.  I cry out and tell him how much I loved him and still love him.  I tell him how much I miss him and how I wish I could just hold him, see him and rub his perfect cheeks.  Then I tell him that I am sorry.  I'm sorry.  I am so sorry.  I tell him he had been planned and prepared for.  He had been asked for and anticipated.  He had not been an afterthought, an oops, or an uh-oh.  He was wanted and we wanted the best for him.  And again I tell him I'm sorry.  But why do I keep coming to those words?  I don't feel blame.  I don't punish myself.  But he is my baby who was taken far too soon and I am so deeply hurt by that.  And I am sorry that any harm came his way.  I know that he is in the hands of God and that all things ARE perfect for him now but I still cry out for him and ache for him.

Numbers 22:
Balaam’s Donkey
 21 Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his donkey and went with the Moabite officials. 22 But God was very angry when he went, and the angel of the LORD stood in the road to oppose him. Balaam was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him. 23 When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, it turned off the road into a field. Balaam beat it to get it back on the road.
 24 Then the angel of the LORD stood in a narrow path through the vineyards, with walls on both sides. 25 When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, it pressed close to the wall, crushing Balaam’s foot against it. So he beat the donkey again.
 26 Then the angel of the LORD moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the left. 27 When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, it lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat it with his staff. 28 Then the LORD opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”
 29 Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.”
 30 The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?”
   “No,” he said.
 31 Then the LORD opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown.

April 4th marks our 1 year anniversary of having a positive pregnancy test.  Almost one year ago, our lives completely changed.  We had already been living our lives for Jesus but now God was going to bless us with a little life to take care of.  He was going to let us experience and give us that glimpse of just how much He loves us.  Our world would never be the same.
Tonight I printed off my past year on Facebook.  There was a tremendous amount of praising God.  God is sovereign.  God is just.  We had an exceptional year.  
Status Updates from that first weekend...

Brandi Shantil
      Would like to thank God for the quick rainstorm and for saving the sunshine for the game.
      April 2, 2010 at 2:37pm via iPhone ·

--On March 2nd after plenty of praying and discussion, we felt led to start trying for a baby.  This was much sooner than we had originally planned.  Our original idea was to be married for a year then start trying but as we would truly discover, God's timing supersedes our planning.
The month had gone by quickly and as my missed period day was approaching, I religiously began taking pregnancy tests.  5 days before a missed period, 4 days before up until the day we were leaving for Texas to go on a mini-vacation with my niece, Janie.  Lance and I had planned on making the trip to the first Rangers game and had planned on hitting Six Flags so we thought we would bring her along.  That afternoon before leaving out for Texas, I took one last test--there were rides to be ridden and hot tubs to soak in.  The test was negative.  Seeing as to how I was technically now 3 days late for my period and still the tests were negative, I assumed I was merely late and we went on about the weekend as planned.  There was a chance for rain so I prayed the 3 plus hour trip there.  This was Janie's first pro-baseball game.  I wanted her to enjoy the whole experience.

Brandi Shantil
      Had the best time with the fam in Texas. I enjoy the road trips where my husband and I can sing and praise Jesus. We got an awesome surprise when we arrived home. We have so much to be thankful for. Thank you Jesus:-)
      April 4, 2010 at 12:10am via iPhone ·

The day had been exhaustive.  We had stayed up late at the hotel.  They had a hot tub and a pool and I wanted to make sure that she got to enjoy every perk of a vacation.  So she spent the late hours with us taking pictures on the hotel grounds and then jumping in and out of a cold pool with a new found friend from Canada.  We woke up early and walked over to Six Flags and rode the rides all day in the hot Texas sun.  Janie had never been to Six Flags.  I enjoyed seeing the amazement and excitement in her eyes when venturing new rides and seeing new things.  After Six Flags, we made our way back home.  3 plus hours and a lot of christian screaming/singing later we were finally home.  She was probably thankful to no longer be a captive audience for her aunt and uncle's "You are Holy/Prince of Peace" duet.  We were all worn out and ready for bed but we had to take one more test.  Tomorrow was Easter.  Lance's parents and my mom and step-dad would be at church so what better time to find out I was pregnant and be able to share the good news.
We had been living in a very tiny remodeled 2 bedroom/1bath home in Muskogee.  Lance and I huddled into the cramped bathroom and the testing commenced.  One line, two lines...TWO LINES.  We jumped. We yelled.  We hugged.  We kissed.  We praised God.  My niece had no idea what was going on in the bathroom!  We came out and she just looked at us like we had completely lost our minds.  Lance looked at me and looked at her and said, "can we tell her?"  Lance told her and she smiled and she sat there.  I'm not sure she knew what to think.  Lance asked her if she was excited and she said, "yeah, but I'm tired."  I took a picture of the test and then finally we all crawled into bed.  I can't say that I got much sleep that night.  God had just confirmed in us that He wanted us to have a baby.

Brandi Shantil
      is going to be a mommy. What a perfect Easter present. My savior continues to give:-)
      April 4, 2010 at 6:24pm via iPhone ·

The morning was exciting.  We took Easter Sunday pictures while Lance placed his hand on my belly and repeated "mama" (pronounced maw-muh by him).   I had told Janie not to tell anyone because we were going to make the announcement later on to everyone at the same time.  But that's not exactly how it worked out.  We had the camera at church and withouth thinking, Janie gave the camera to my mom to let her see our pictures from the morning and from the weekend.  As she was scrolling, she came to the stick with two pink lines.  She looked up at me and instantly I realized what had happened.  I grabbed the phone and told her to "sshhh."  I wanted everyone to find out together--our church family and our parents.  Tears had already began streaming down her face.  We rushed to our seats and awaited the praise reports/prayer request call.  Lance stood and gave the announcement.  His parents, brother, nephew, my mom, step-dad and with all of our church family gathered, he shared the good news.

God brought me the above scripture tonight.  I had never heard the story of the talking donkey. But tonight He chose to bring this to me and show me His ways just a little bit more.  In looking over the past year, I praised God almost daily for all of the good things He was doing.  I also found ways to praise Him when perhaps I could have chosen to be gloomy--just like with the rain during our travel to Texas.  He has always given me a reason to be joyous.  When I read verse 30, I was reminded that the heartache that Lance and I feel is not God's ways.  He has been faithful through and through.  He does not give us sorrow intentionally or bring us sorrow without reason.  The donkey had a reason that he was lying down or forbidding to move.  God has a reason for taking our son.  I may not be able to see it yet but I pray that my eyes would be open like Balaam's.

Help me to number my days...

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 1 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 13 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

Isaiah 55
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.

God talks to me and He talks to Lance.  When we are still and other times when perhaps He would like for us to be still, we hear Him.  So why should I question that Gideon heard Him.  God is omniscient.  He knew what the next 24 hours were going to hold.  Perhaps the reason we had such a perfect afternoon and evening that Monday before was because God was already holding Gideon.  I have a picture that I took that Monday evening as we were driving around waiting for our church home group to begin.  He seems so serious.  Eyes wide open but lost in thought.  I often look at it and think, "maybe he knew."  Then I find my earthly self saying, "he's only three months--he doesn't even understand us."  But God is God.  His ways are mightier than mine.  If He, being God, wanted to talk to my son and give him peace then He could...

Green Froggies...

3-10-11
I had received a gift from a dear friend about a week ago.  It was a bag for Gideon consisting of a few outfits.  One of the outfits, a sleeper with green froggies, Gideon already had.  My mom had purchased it a few weeks before because he was quickly outgrowing his sleepers and now needed to wear the six month clothes--chunker.   I am terrible at removing things from the car--just ask Lance--and these were no different.  I had forgotten to pack a change of clothes in the diaper bag for Tristan after using his packed sleeper at home group Monday night when I changed him for bed but luckily I had the bag in the car and dropped it off too just in case he had an accident in is clothes--which he has been known to do:-)

The night ran a little smoother than the previous night.  My dad slept again in his truck.  My mom, mother-in-law and aunt were all able to sleep in a sleep room that had a full-size bed.  They all were able to fit sleeping crossways.  They were even able to shower.  Gideon's potassium and glucose had returned to normal and he was making yellow pee at an acceptable amount.  So his meds of potassium, insulin and vasopressin were able to be stopped.  His sedation and seizure meds were being weaned.  He did have to have 3 boluses of fluids and then finally a transfusion because his hemoglobin had dropped to 8.2.  When changing him late in the evening, he pushed his legs against my hands and moved his arms and opened his eyes some.  He also seemed to be moving his feet more in response to touch.  As he was getting warmer, like during the previous evening, he seemed to be doing more.  The doctor quickly tried to blow out that flame of hope--it was merely posturing and spinal reflexes (not brain activity).  I still had hope.  My God is a Sovereign God.  He is all knowing.  He is all powerful and He will have the last word.  The last say.  Not the doctor.  My baby is still in there.  The brain flow test was going to show them that God can heal and protect.

This morning started out with another visit from Dr. Barton.  Again, his posse gathered outside the room with all eyes on him and glances at the baby and mother behind the panes of glass.  I sang to Gideon--his favorite carseat calming song.  "He walked the dirty streets famous for nothing.  he said come follow me and they came.  A face like all the rest but something was different.  The son of God would lead the way.  And soon they all would say, There He goes, a hero, a savior to the world, Here He stands, with scars in His hands.  With love He gave His life so we could be free.  the savior of the world......"  Dr. Barton began his talk with me discussing the EEG that had been recording since that first night in the unit.  Today, it shows no activity.  The tears welled up and my heart sank. Still, it could be from the seizure meds and his temperature suppressing his brain activity.  And better still, God is sovereign.   He moved on to look over Gideon.  The thought, "a repeat of yesterday's tests, really?" ran through my head.  but no, today he had something else planned.  He decreased the breaths to zero on his vent.  Gideon had been taking extra breaths the first night so what would he do today without the assistance of the machine?  Surely he would take a few.  He adjusted the settings as Lance and I stood there waiting for his chest to rise.  Seconds of nothing...more seconds of nothing...more seconds of nothing...O2 sat dropping...Damn it.  Breathe Gideon.  Please breathe for mommy.  Just a breath.  Show them you can do it.  Nothing.  As his sats fell to low 80's the settings were readjusted.  No spontaneous respirations.  According to Barton, in his opinion he was brain dead but the test would help confirm along with a physical exam.
Today was the day for the brain blood flow test.  All hopes were riding on this test. Now was the time for that miracle we had all been praying for.  What better time than for God to shine and all glory to go to Him than when the doctors had said he was clinically brain dead.   The test wasn't scheduled to be done until noontime.  It had been a rule that only 4 people could be in his room during visiting hours and only 2 people at night.  That rule seems so absurd in these situations.  Let people have their family.  Let everyone visit for as long as they need to.  If the noise is kept down and people aren't in the way, let them in.  Anyhow, I had asked if it would be okay if more than 4 people could come back since we had been given such a dire prognosis.  Our nurse agreed.  Child life came in and asked if they could make a hand molding of Gideon and get footprints for the family.  Of course, I wanted them.  I want to take him home but those things would be nice to have on the side.
I had sent out messages all night long for everyone to be in prayer this morning about the test that was to be done.  Of course, we were to pray for God's will but more than anything I had wanted before in my life, I wanted His will to be my will.  I wanted my baby.  This boy who lay in the bed getting puffier and puffier was all I wanted.  I wanted to take him home.  I wanted to hold him again without all of the tubes.  I wanted to feel him on my chest with his little face snuggled up against my neck and his sweet hands open and close as to if he was rubbing my back as I held him.  I wanted my kid.  This boy who God had given me.  This boy who God had told me to have.  This boy who God had told Lance what to name.  This boy who next to God and each other was at the center of our life.  Every decision that had been made over the past year had been made with the permission of God and the thought of Gideon in mind.  I prayed that God was going to show everyone through my little 3 month old just what a mighty warrior of God was.  I knew that God could do it and I prayed that He would.
My family had gathered in his room as we were preparing to go down for the test.  I asked that when we go for the exam, that everyone would join in groups or as one group and pray aloud for there to be blood flow to every crevice of his brain.  I wanted them to pray for that miracle.  Now was the time.  As we stood circled around, touching him, praying, looking at him, a Chris Tomlin song was playing.  "How Great is our God" rang out behind us.  We all joined in and the whole room was singing together in one accord all praising Jesus, giving Him the glory and all praying for a miracle.  "How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God.  And all will see how great, how great is our God".
The transport team and with Lance and I following we left for the test.  We waited outside of the exam room, sitting in the hall and praying.  Upon returning, we waited.  We loved on Gideon, loved one another and awaited the doctors to be shocked.  Dr. Khichi came in and let us know that the test was up but it had not been read by the radiologist and so he was going to wait for his report before talking with us.  Did the study show something he didn't expect and he wants clarity?  A glimmer of hope?
I had asked that the family step out as we were given the results of the study.  It wasn't good. Dr. Khichi proceeded to tell us that the study revealed no blood flow.  He was now going to do a battery of tests similar to Dr. Barton's to back up the study results.  A check for a corneal reflex--absent.  Cold water in the ear canal (the eyes should divert away from the painful stimuli)--absent.  Doll's eye exam--negative.  A painful poke, a light touch--negative, negative.  Then one more thing--time to take him off the vent and see if he will breathe.  Again, we stood there during all of the tests waiting for some response and again waiting for him to take a breath.  Waiting and watching, waiting, watching.  Tears streaming.  Hearts praying.  Damn it. Breathe.  Just breathe.  Breathe.  Nothing.
Dr. Khichi pronounced him brain dead at 1:40 PM on March 10, 2011.  Two days past his three month birthday.  13 weeks and 1 day old.
That's it?  That's all I get?  That's all any of us get?  3 months?  I don't understand.  Had we not been faithful?  Did we do something unpleasing?  Did I put him before You?  I sang to him Your songs.  I told him about You.  I took him to hear about You in your house.  I read to him about You.  I placed him in a care setting where he could learn even more about You while I was away.  I don't understand.  39 weeks and 5 days of perfect pregnancy.  A perfect delivery.  3 months of a perfect healthy, developing boy who had colic--but colic was okay.  It made me sad because he seemed to hurt so bad but it was okay.  I could handle it.  He was just starting to get over that and be happier.  He had just slept through the whole night.  He was cooing more.  He was finding his hands and his thumb.  He was rolling over.  He was finally able to use his exersaucer.  Why in the world are You taking him?  I don't understand.
I want to bathe him and dress him and hold him without the machines.  I want him to be in my arms for his last heart beats.  I know he isn't there and that he is already in Heaven but I want to hold my baby one last time.  I made my wishes known.  Dr. Khichi said it would be hard.  he may turn shades of grey, purple and that he may even gasp.  I don't care  I want to hold him.
Shortly, we were met my a woman inquiring about possible organ donation.  A quick "no" came out of my mouth. I knew what that meant. I can't hold him.  I cant have him in my arms when his body takes its last beats.  I apologized and I cried but I just couldn't do it.  I knew it was selfish but I wanted to hold my baby one last time without all of the "stuff."
But it didn't go away.  I was an organ donor.  I had said many times, I won't need them--might as well go to someone who could use them.  They aren't going to Heaven with me. So, why not Gideon's?  I felt God pushing me and I held my ground--but I want to hold him.  Then finally, a quiet "you can hold him but he doesn't need them.  Share."  I told Lance what i was thinking.  If I could just bathe him, dress him and hold him and then be able to hold him one last time at the funeral home then I would be okay.  Lance had felt God telling him to donate as well but he wasn't going to pressure me.  He was thankful that I had changed my mind.  Was this his purpose?  3 months of life to be an organ donor?
We sat down with the LifeShare coordinator.  Gideon's liver enzymes were elevated and his urine output had slowed but they were going to start pushing fluids to try and get him hydrated since they had been keeping him on the dry side.  Usually, they are unable to use the whole heart but often they need the valves so that was a possibility.  Possibly a pancreas was needed.  He wasn't sure but more than likely, they would go in for surgery late tonight and harvest.
After meeting with him, I bathed Gideon.  The nurse had everything ready.  He now rested on decorative bedding.  He had a little nest made like I used to make for him when he first came home from the hospital to help him feel snug and cozy.  I bathed him and kissed him then dressed him in the green froggie sleeper that had never made it home to his dresser drawers.  He was absolutely beautiful.  Green could have been his best color.  My mother held him then my mother in law and then finally, me.  I kissed him and talked to him and rocked.  I sang to him and loved him.  We placed him back in his crib and I told him goodbye.  Kisses given from his toes up to his head, an "I love you" and "Have fun dancing and singing with Jesus now.  Mommy has to go but she will see you soon so be good for Jesus while I am away."   It was time to go.  An empty car seat in tow.