the help....

Lance and I attend two home groups with our church.  We were originally only frequenting one on Monday nights but after Gideon left us, we started attending the Wednesday night group as well.  The group is a little big and we are technically members of the Monday group but they have been gracious enough to allow us to continue to come.  The time will come though that we will have to leave and when even the group may be divided because it is getting too large.   To put it like Jared, I hope we have to draw straws or something because I don't see any of us wanting to pick sides and leave one another.

Anywho, in the Wednesday night study we are going through Genesis.  I love Genesis.  Genesis is where it all begins.  Genesis is where God begins to reveal himself to us.  And recently, Genesis is where I really see what God designed me to be.  I will just briefly share a part of my role through the eyes of God.  I was designed to be a helper.  Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”  This does not mean that I am inferior to my husband, Genesis 1:26 and 27 explains that God made us in His image, male and female in his image.  Therefore we are equal.  I do not need to join a feminist movement, strike on shaving or curse like a sailor to prove my equality.  God did it back there on day 6.  No, I am not inferior.  I am a helper.  In Genesis 2, we see God unfolding His plan in us.  He sees Adam alone and declares that he needs someone.   So God decides to take a rib from Adam to make Eve.  God could have used any bone or even chosen to use something completely different or even created Eve out of nothing.  But he chose a rib.  This is important.  This reiterates that we are equal.  God formed Eve from a bone taken from the side of her husband—not from above, below, behind or in front of but from the side.   The best place that I like to be is nestled up next to Lance with his arm around me and our sides touching.  God made me from that nook.

So God made me to be a helper…what exactly does that mean?  Well, before He made Eve, he made Adam to work (Gen 2:15).  At this time, his work was blessed.  In 3, the curse comes and I would agree that this is where the work became hard.  But in 2, life was good.  Work was easy and Adam loved to work.  So I look at my husband—he loves to work.  He complains sometimes of the ins and outs of his job but he loves to work.  Many times, I have ridden with him on night shift and he was dreading working.  He didn’t want to do anything.  He didn’t want to make stops.  He didn’t want to be pro-active.  But as the night went on and he became active in his work, he began to enjoy it.  He loved being busy, bouncing from one call to the next, or one stop to the next.   And now, he doesn’t pray for money to bring in extra funds to get the student loans paid off or the house finished, he prays for work.   So my husband is a worker.  In his work, he has to be gone from the home 40 plus hours a week and sometimes he is away more than he is at home because he has picked up extra work.  So with him being made to work and him following through with God’s design for him to work, where do I fit into this puzzle?  I would say that it is my job to make his work easier.  It is my job to make his burden lighter.  If he is away at work then it is my job to ensure that things are taken care of at home.  And when you think of it, it makes sense.  God made me to carry the baby for 9 months—not the worker.  He made me to make the milk—not the worker.  I would also say that by design Lance is more rough and rugged.  He is stronger than I and more agile.  I am more comforting and nurturing.  We saw a great deal of the difference during our brief parenting and our bouts with colic—nights of Gideon crying with me in near tears trying to console him, while lance simply says, “ah boy, shush it and shake it off.”!!  I remember so desperately wanting Gideon to be on a schedule for when I went back to work so that I could work and care for him in the office.  But I was the milk machine—producing 24 hours a day by design.    I know that this may come across as sexist to some of you—“Are you really saying that the wife should care for the home and the kids while the husband does nothing?”  No, I am saying that the wife should take care of the home and the kids while the husband is providing for the family.  Lance is a great husband.  He helps out often.  During the last week of maternity leave and during the ice storm when Lance would have to venture to work but I was able to stay home, there were many nights where when dinner time came, he offered to hold the colicky baby, prepare the meal or go and get Cherry Berry for the worn out mama.  There is give and take.  He may help me but ultimately, the dishes, the clothes, the babies are my responsibility. All the while he respects me in that role.  He doesn’t leave his glass in the livingroom or his dirty laundry strewn across the house because it is my job to clean it up.  Just as I do not spend his paycheck on frivolous things in hopes that he will only make more.   “So a woman can’t work?”  She can, but her first priority after God is to be her husband. 

Of course this relationship is more than just household duties and making a paycheck but this is all I felt led to discuss tonight as I wait for my bread to rise and bake.

I have been venturing out in my baking abilities with my latest endeavor being a rendition of birdseed bread.   Baking is therapeutic.  I love baking and creating a meal for a large crowd or for my sampling of one.  (perhaps because that is who I was meant to beJ)  I enjoy making things that Lance and I can take with us to work and things that will last throughout the week.  I want us to be able to eat healthy and this is one thing that I can do to help us save money by not buying bread from the store (which for the same quality of bread at Whole Foods is about $5 plus a loaf) and help keep us from eating junk.  I made this bread last weekend for community from a recipe that I found online and it was so yummy for our breakfast slice with Nutella and our afternoon sandwiches that I had to make it again.  Hope you enjoy….

I had to go to Reasor's to get the Red Mill 7 grain cereal.  I couldn't find it at the Wal-Mart here.  (this is one of the many things that the Reasor's employees helped me to find and it was on the cereal aisle--clever spot:-))

• 1 1/4 cups 7-Grain Cereal 
• 2 1/2 cups Boiling Water 
• 3 cups Unbleached All Purpose Flour (plus extra for dusting) 
• 1 1/2 cups Whole Wheat Flour 
• 4 Tbsp Honey 
• 4 Tbsp Unsalted Butter, melted and cooled slightly 
• 2 1/2 tsp Instant Yeast 
• 1 Tbsp Salt 
• 3/4 cup Raw Pumpkin Seeds or Sunflower Seeds (Raw Shelled) 
• 1/2 cup Oats, Rolled, Regular Old fashioned 

also was unable to find these little jewels at Wal-mart where the nuts were all salted and roasted.  The recipe calls for raw nuts but I was still unable to find the raw sunflower seeds.  After a few trips around the Reasor's store, we decided this was the best that we were going to find and I wasn't up for  a drive to Whole Foods (driving across town to buy sunflower seeds to make a bread to help save money while wasting gas didn't seem reasonable!)They tasted great in the bread.

Directions 1. Place cereal mix in bowl of standing mixer and pour boiling water over it. Let stand, stirring occasionally, until mixture cools to 100�F and resembles thick porridge (about 1 hour). In a separate medium-sized bowl, whisk flours together.

2. Once grain mixture has cooled, add honey, melted butter and yeast. Stir to combine. Attach bowl to standing mixer fitted with the dough hook. With mixer running on low speed, add flours � cup at a time, and knead until dough forms ball (1-1/2 to 2 minute); cover bowl with plastic and let dough rest 20 minutes. 

after about an hour, the cereal should be thick and cooled down to about 100

butter, honey and yeast added in

adding the flour...

3. Add salt and knead on medium-low speed until dough clears sides of bowl, 3-4 minutes (if it does not clear sides, add 2-3 Tbsp additional all-purpose flour and continue mixing); continue to knead dough for 5 more minutes. 

4. Add seeds and knead for another 15 seconds. Transfer dough to floured work surface and knead by hand until seeds are dispersed evenly and dough forms smooth, taut ball. Place dough into greased container with 4-quart capacity; cover with plastic wrap and allow to rise until doubled, 45 to 60 minutes.

5. Adjust oven rack to middle position; heat oven to 375�F. Spray two 9� x 5� loaf pans with nonstick cooking spray. Transfer dough to lightly floured work surface and pat into 12� x 9� rectangle; cut dough in half crosswise with knife or bench scraper.

6. To shape loaves, start with one dough (from step 5). With short side facing you, start at farthest end, roll dough piece into log. Keep roll taut by tucking it under itself as you go. To seal loaf, pinch seam gently with thumb and forefinger. Repeat with other dough. Spray loaves lightly with water or nonstick cooking spray. Roll each dough in oats to coat evenly. Place loaf seam-side down in grease loaf pan, pressing gently into corners. Cover lightly with plastic wrap and let rise until almost doubled in size, 30-40 minutes. (Dough should barley spring back when poked with knuckle.)

7. Bake until internal temperature registers 200�F on an instant-read thermometer (35-40 minutes). Remove loaves from pans and cool on wire rack before slicing, about 3 hours.

Magnificent. Glorious. Triumphant…..

This morning I received a message from a friend.  Her heart hurts for us and longs to be home—the true home.  I had no encouraging words.  I often feel the same way.  All I could do was tell her how I felt and then these strange words typed from my fingers…what a glorious day it will be.  Glorious?  5 months ago did I ever say the word glorious?  I typed it and I thought about it.  The word is fitting.  The word is perfect.  Awesome, great, amazing, fantastic, and even terrific are great words but they just don’t seem to fit when it comes to standing in Jesus’s presence or the re-uniting of a mother and her son.  Glorious just fits.  A great sale is awesome.  A miracle is amazing.  Getting to leave work early is fantastic and a date night with my hubby is terrific.  But meeting Jesus face to face and seeing Gideon again is just glorious.   

Made for deep intimacy...

Last night our pastor’s wife had a typical “Tonya” moment.  If you knew her then you would know what I am talking aboutJ  Her humor and her klutziness always give us a good laugh.  A lot of times it’s not even her humor but that she is just humorous in her being that makes us laugh.  Last night Lance was excited to hear more in Genesis.  He made the statement, “tonight’s the big night” while we were eating dinner together.  Tonya took that statement to mean that I must have been ovulating and so we must have been going to try for a baby when we got home.   After the study we had gathered and were praying for rain, praying for our nation and praying for his people to turn back to him.  Tonya was praying for our fertility.  While she was praying silently, Dwayne began praying aloud, “we pray for those in heat…”.  Tonya thought he was adding to her prayer and what a peculiar way of saying itJ 

Sometimes you feel like a prayer is just for you or the message was sent just for you to hear.  God can reach out and individually affect our lives.  This morning I read an article from a pastor.  Although it discussed loneliness in the midst of not having a partner or close friends, I still felt like it was just what I needed.  The pastor stated that in our loneliness, we should see it as a helper.  Loneliness is not an enemy but is a reverberation of our purpose here—we are made by God and we are made for God.  “Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee.” –Augustine.  I think that all I need is another baby to love and hold or my Gideon back and then most of (or all of in the latter situation) my pain will go away.  But this is my delusional reality.  Children are wonderful blessings but are not the purpose of why we are here.  The pastor states that loneliness is like a sticky note that reminds us, “Don’t forget for whom you were made.”   The author goes on speaking of viewing loneliness as a friend that helps draw you closer to God.  He then points out that loneliness has an ugly twin sister named “fear”.  This is where I am.  My heart feels lonely without my son here.  And then I have fear—fear that I will never conceive again, fear that I am not good enough for that blessing, fear that plans will not work out if we are given another baby.  Then there are fears of this happening all over again—loss.  I fear that we will not be good enough.  But like the author says, I must remember that God does not love me because I am lovable but because HE IS LOVE.   “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” –Romans 8:32.  I must remember that I may not have Gideon here but I have Christ.  I may not be pregnant yet but I have Christ.  I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.  He sees my imperfections, my ins and outs and he knows my heart.  He wants good things for me—whatever those things may be.  And although I pray for a baby—the reality, as harsh as it may seem, is that I may not get another baby.  This may not be God’s plan.  I know that I am in his will in trying to conceive because I have prayed, asked and listened but just because he has given me the okay to begin trying again does not mean that I will definitely conceive.  Often times he has us do things for the learning that comes with the test.  I pray that I am soaking up every ounce of knowledge and that I am truly growing closer to him because this would be the ultimate purpose.   My flesh fears that I will not get what I want; my heart trusts that all He does is good (regardless if it’s what I want or not).

Faith comes from...

The issue of faith is not so much whether we believe in God, but whether we believe the God we believe in. - RC Sproul

--Day  after day, I find more truth in this statement. 

I believe in God—I have no problem in that believing.  But there are days when I wrestle with believing his goodness for me.  I wrestle with the fact that he has a plan for us—a plan that is better, greater and far exceeds anything that we could imagine.  Some days it is hard to remember that he is the conductor and that he is gracefully arranging the notes in my life to play out a beautiful masterpiece. 

Over the weekend we went to two different church services other than our own.  On Saturday night it was Church on the Move with Pastor Willie George.  He spoke about faith.  He recalled a story about when his daughter had been 10 and she had fallen from an upper level onto the concrete floor and landed directly on her head.  He took her home, thinking that she was just a little shook up and bruised.  At home she began vomiting.  They called their doctor who told them to go ahead and bring her in and that someone would be there to check her out.  There had been an ice storm that night but they ventured out anyways only to arrive at the office to find the lights turned out and the doors locked.  They called the pediatrician who told them to come back first thing in the morning.  They arrived first thing in the morning after a night of Charity repetitively vomiting.  The pediatrician looked her over, a bit perturbed that the staff had closed the clinic early the night before and then sent them across the street to have imaging done.  The doctor came out and handed them the films in a large manila envelope with a solemn face and told Pastor George to go directly to the emergency room and the staff would be waiting for him.  He knew then that it was serious.  They rushed over and the staff ushered them back immediately.  They had frequented the ER many times before for broken limbs and open wounds but this time it was different.  There was no waiting in the lobby or asking for insurance forms.  No, this time they went straight to a room.  The surgeon came in to talk them and told them that there was a large bleed over their daughter’s brain and it needed to be evacuated immediately.  He could not guarantee that she would make it.  He could not guarantee that there would not be lifelong complications.  They were amazed that she was doing so well to begin with.  Instantly as the doubt and the fear started to rise up within him, he heard a small, small voice from within him say, “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  He began saying this verse over and over.  He prayed out loud against complications, death, side effects all the while, doubt was still swirling around his thoughts.  He could here Satan tell him time and time again, as they pushed her through the operating room doors to when the doctor came out to give them an update, “you might as well as forget it.  She is gone.  He’s not going to save her.  Get your support group together because you are going to need them.  He’s not helping you.”  He continually repeated Mark 11 verse 23.  “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  His message was pointing out that God wants us to say it.  In that verse alone the word say is used three times as opposed to believe that is used only once.  He pointed out other places where God puts emphasis on how important our words are.  He pointed out the story of the Roman servant whose master had asked for healing for his servant in Luke 7:6-10.  The master did not want Jesus to come but to only speak the words of healing.  The Centurion knew the power of authority having many soldiers under him and by being one under authority himself.  He knew the power of simply saying a word to get things to come or to go.   He had faith in the spoken words of Jesus.  Luke 6:45 …for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.  I don’t believe that pastor George was saying that it is more important for us to simply say than it is to believe.  But he was guiding us to how important our spoken words are.  I wouldn’t call him a say it, claim it preacher or myself a say it, claim it believer, but I can definitely find truth in the importance of speaking.  God knows how are mind works.  He knows that we are human.  We like to go into panic mode, start doubting, stop believing and he knows that satan is there to ensure that our minds get more tangled up in ourselves and lies instead of wrapped around the truth—that GOD IS GOOD.  (by the way—his daughter made it through without a single complicationJ) 

Then Sunday, when going to watch Lance’s three children be baptized along with Harley Joe, Pastor John spoke of the power in the name of Jesus.

             I took these messages, much like I try to take every message and apply them to my life.  I so desperately want to have another baby.  I have seen stories and photos the past few days of birthday parties, family vacations and baby play-dates.  I have wrestled with hearing those doubts…”He will never bless you with another child.  You couldn’t care for the one you were given.  You placed too much emphasis on working than you did on being a mommy.  If he does give you another one, you won’t be able to live out the plan that you have and if you do then you will be so broke that you would never even be able to take those vacations.  Your baby should have been there but you messed up.”  I believe in the goodness of God yet these thoughts come streaming through my mind.  So I tried to quiet them.  I placed my hope in His promise and I repeated, “I am pregnant.  He does want good things for me.  I am blessed and He will continue to bless me because this is His promise.”  I repeated this over and over, thinking of the faith of that tiny mustard seed and saying it out loud.  The significance of that verse is not the amount of our faith—that we have a little or that we have a lot--but that the mustard seed being tiny is able to overcome a “mountain” in comparison to its size.  Seeds planted have to push up through obstacles, like the dirt that’s on top of the seed. Your seed of faith must go through things if it is going to mature. 

So this was my weekend and the beginning of my week.  I was fighting back the coveting and the jealousy and speaking the word of God.  I was speaking for things to be.  I was speaking so that satan would not win.  Then last night, a resounding “NO” screamed through our home.  Yet another confirmation that we are not pregnant and this time three days before schedule.  It was a slap in the face.  To know that we are pregnant just feels like it would make things easier.  Angry, I cried out to God once again.  “Why?  Where are you?  Why aren’t you blessing us?  Why have you forgotten me?  Why have you forsaken me?”---my weak flesh caving in.  My spirit being broken.  The bitterness rising up within me.  I wept in my bed, as my husband sat next to me torn between leaving for work or staying with his broken wife.  I cried out to God, desperate for Him to restore me but feeling like I was forgotten.  I cried myself to sleep. 

I know that His timing is perfect. 

…“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid…”

This is my prayer for today.

 I am taking some time away from facebook updates so that I can center back on Christ and find that strength to face these challenges.  This trial that He has brought me into will not be won by satan.  For I believe the God of the Bible and I believe in His promises....

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

Control....what was that again?

7/21/11
Lance and I have been “making babies” (a term we picked up from our counselor since the term “trying” implies to fail) over the past couple of months.  We have yet to actually “make” a baby.  Over the past couple of weeks, I began getting discouraged--wondering if this is really what God wants for us.  Were we meant to have more?  Was Gideon the only baby that I would have?  Aren't I deserving?  Is it too soon?  What are the plans that he holds for us?  Was a baby in our near future?  And then really, how near is nine months when I want a baby now?  Every failed test was just one more month plus nine more months of waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.  The wait was enjoyable before.  But now I just want a bundle of joy to wrap my arms around, snuggle and never let go of.  I would think that with all of this waiting, I would be reminded that I am not in control.  I would think that I would be able to look at my close friends—some who have waited for more than a year for God to give them a baby only to find a negative test or a monthly visit from an aunt by the name of flow, and see that God is in control.  But it took a study over the 3rd day of Genesis and an application summary from a friend for the comfort to come.
11 Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds.
--The image was given of a single plant, a single tree, a single blade of grass that had been created by God that reproduced and multiplied.  The blanket of vegetation spread from one end of the earth to the other--and all of this in one day.
Our pastor’s daughter recently came back from a mission’s trip to Peru.  She had been gone for a while and during her last three months she decided that she was going to start a church plant in one of the villages.  A leader and friend that was there with her asked what exactly she was trying to do.  She explained it to him.  He gave the response that it wasn’t going to work.  She wouldn’t have enough time.  She tells that she allowed him to influence her.  In response to his comment, she told him that he was probably right and that she did really need to be there a year to get a church going.  Yet, she still went on with her church plant.  She has been back in the states for a few weeks and she reports that the church plant is still going and that they are still a gathering body of Christ—glory to God.  She told of how she was allowing someone to influence her and how she put God in a box.  She should have told him that God can do anything in any timing that he feels fit.  It’s not our determinant of how long something will take.
How true of so many of us that we try to put God in a box.  I think that term applies in many ways.  First, God has walls and he can only go so far and second, I put him there for safe keeping and get him out when I need him.  How inaccurate are both of those statements.  God has no limit and I should always need him.
This brings me back to my control.  Recently, I read an article on the Resurgence over control or the lack thereof (I think God has been trying to get this to me—thank God that Brittne spoke up and gave her testimony).  The article spoke about how we try so intensely to be in control, yet we really don’t have anything under control.  We didn’t control who are parents were, what our kids will look like, where we were born, when we were born, how many brothers or sisters we would have.  We can plan for today, plan for tomorrow but ultimately God is in control.  I can plan to be at work on time but if there is a wreck then I may be late.  I have no control.  I knew this yet somehow I wasn’t letting my spirit live this.  I go back to my opening statement about Lance and I making babies—how foolish of me.  God makes the babies.  If we haven’t gotten pregnant yet, it’s because God hasn’t given us a baby yet.  It’s not because we were unsuccessful but because we are incapable.  I laugh at the arrogance.  If we have a girl instead of a boy, it’s not because of technique but because God gave us a girl.   His timing is perfect and if he wants us to wait then we can only wait.  And we must be patient waiters.
“Patience is understanding the settled reality that we are not in control. We are at peace with the fact that life is run by someone else. When we are patient we are paddling downstream, letting the force of life guide us along, knowing we can steer, but not turn upstream. Impatience is turning the boat, rowing hard against the current; we still move downstream, but with incredible exhaustion.
We want more control than we have. But God wants patience to permeate our inner being. Why? Not just because life and its trials will require patience, but we need to reconcile our souls to our lack of control, trusting that God is good. If God is good and he is in control, then we can trust the satisfaction or obstruction of our will is the good design of a loving and gracious Father.

And that is worth the wait.”—Dave Dorr

And this was what I was feeling—complete exhaustion, run-down, tired and becoming bitter because I was navigating my boat but wasn’t getting anywhere.  Yet, all the while he was planting his fruit of patience.

I am in control of my life—really a hilarious statement if you stop to think about it.

 

my favorite bundle of joy...

It's only an arm....

6/17/11
Wednesday night at home group is typically filled with good food and some of the deepest discussion over our current bible study.  We just finished studying over Revelation and the coming of Jesus and now we are in Genesis.  The first night in Genesis, we barely got past the first four words.  We had a lot of discussion on different theories and then the second week we watched a video and explored the first four words even more.  This week we placed the study on hold because three of our members were basking up the Florida sun and we didn't want to continue without them.  Instead, we ate some great food and then had some fellowship.  We thought that it was going to be a very light evening filled with relaxation and conversation.  Our pastor had other plans--I am thankful that he did.
After pulling us in the living room, we gathered around and discussed what God was doing in our lives.  We shared what we were waiting for and where we were along our journey.  Dwayne asked the question of where we would be without the trials.  Prideful.  Self-centered.  Spiritually immature.  All of these plus more were given as we went around the room.  I was moved, and I would have to say Lance was as well of a story of a couple and their new baby.  It was exciting to see how God was orchestrating His plan throughout their lives--I hope to share more about that later.  I chose to tell our story about going to Texas and our experience at church.  I used an analogy to explain how I feel when it comes to missing Gideon, yet having faith that our Father has not set us on a path to destruction.  This is the most simplistic analogy that was brought to mind a few days before.  I explained that not having Gideon was like losing my left arm.  Glory to God that I still have my right.  I can no longer use both hands but praise Him that I can still use my right.  I am right hand dominant.  I do not have to learn how to write again!  I can continue to reach for, hold and manipulate objects with the hand that I did 90% of those things with before losing the left.  But there are times when I sure do wish I had my left.  It would make things easier.  I see other people with two arms and get to see the activities they enjoy because they have both.  I can see how they go on without a concern of just how am I going to hold this or carry that.  I can praise him for my right but I can still miss my left.  That missing isn't a feeling of desperation or of hopelessness.  It's simply of loss.  I know that I will see Gideon in Heaven again.  I know that he is playing with Jesus.  I would hope that he is the same sweet 3 month old that he left me as but if not then I know he is 6 months old, learning to sit up on his own, rolling over and beginning to crawl.  He also is getting to try some baby food.  I can enjoy life with my husband.  I can go on vacation.  I can laugh at home group with great fiends but I still miss him.  I still look down and wish that I had that left arm.  I think that we often think that if you miss something then you aren't relying on God.  I go back to my statement about Habakkuk, it's about the faith.  I have faith that God has not set us on a path of destruction and although I don't understand and although I miss my baby, I will keep my eyes set on Him.
Thursday, after home group, a friend that attends with us text Lance and let him know how much our analogy helped him.  He had been having some of the same struggles after his loss and our arm scenario really helped him to understand how he was feeling and what to do with that emotion. 
I share this story, not to give you my simple analogy but to share what happens when we open up and give our testimony.  People learn and grow from what you have to say.  We do not always get to see what we have planted in others but if God puts it on your heart to share, then you better share because someone is needing to hear it--even if that someone is simply you.  I think this was one of our deepest home groups.  The more intimate testimony time gave us a look into one another's lives and we were able to see the great things that God was doing.  I know that at least two families (ours being one of those) were affected that night by hearing another's story.  Share your story.

He did eventually love bathtime:-)

6/14/11
Yesterday was the birthday, the big 3-0.  The number really doesn't mean much to me.  I am not sure what 30 is supposed to feel like but I don't feel like I am any older than I was last year.  I know that spiritually I have grown.  God has matured my spirit and my flesh through his word and his promise.  I have fallen more and more in love with him.  I love him more than I thought I ever would or ever could.
I can say without hesitancy that I am not where I thought I would be ten or even five years ago.  It’s amazing to look at the path that God has set me on and how it varies so greatly from what I thought I would be doing.  Lance and I joke that I am the planner and he is the fixer.  When March 8th hit us this year, we were in complete disarray.  All of my plans for our family were heading out the window and Lance couldn’t fix the situation.  We were helpless and completely dependent on God.  Our own abilities (that are truly gifts from God and not our own) were rendered useless.  We had to submit to Him, find strength in Him and rely on Him.  Our faith was tested.
            This weekend we celebrated my birthday in Arlington.  I had a continuing education course scheduled for Monday and we planned on taking advantage of the warm weather and outlet malls Texas had to offer.  We stayed at the Sheraton which is one of the most family friendly hotels that we have ever stayed at.  They have an enormous pool that is made just for young kids.  With its two foot depth and its wide span and length, it is perfect for kids to get in jump, splash and paddle around without being on top of anyone else.  They also play movies at night outside, where kids are allowed to swim and watch as it plays on the wall.  Our first night, we were entertained by Nemo and the blaring voice of Dori heard over the outdoor surround system.  Our time out by the pool reminded me that I had wanted to enroll Gideon in summer baby swim classes.  I was overcome with feelings of loss because this would never be our family vacation spot with Gideon like I had planned.  There would be no six flags or Rangers games with this toddling blue eyed boy in tow.  I was also reminded that he had been to six flags and a Rangers game before—only he was still in my belly and I didn’t know that he was even here yet.  I rejoiced in that memory that God had placed in my heart.
            Sunday morning we went to church with my friend Lisa and her husband John.  I had met Lisa at Children’s Medical Center nearly 10 years ago.  I had just started working on the children’s unit after moving back from New Jersey and beginning my nursing career.  At that time, I was still set on becoming a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner but was just starting out in nursing school.  The unit was a long-term rehab facility for children with chronic health issues.  It wasn’t until much later in life that I realized how much of an impact the unit had on me and how God used that career change to help guide me and set me in my path.  I still do not know all of what God will bring from that one job but I do know that Lisa is one of those gifts He gave to me.  Lance and I try to attend church when we are away on vacation and we were thankful to have friends to be able to fellowship with.
            In the past when visiting new churches, we noticed that we never get to hear the church’s pastor preach.  This Sunday was no different.  The sermon came from the pastor of Life Church.  So there we were, 250 miles away from home in Frisco, Texas, listening to a preacher from a church that is less than 10 miles from our home in Broken Arrow.  The message was out of Habakkuk.  I was excited!
Shortly after Gideon passed, God used Habakkuk to speak directly to me.  He spoke from chapter 1:
1 The prophecy that Habakkuk the prophet received.
Habakkuk’s Complaint

 2 How long, LORD, must I call for help,
   but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
   but you do not save?
3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
   Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
   there is strife, and conflict abounds.
4 Therefore the law is paralyzed,
   and justice never prevails.
The wicked hem in the righteous,
   so that justice is perverted.
The LORD’s Answer

 5 “Look at the nations and watch—
   and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
   that you would not believe,
   even if you were told.

The scripture spoke volumes to me.  I was crying out—crying out for healing, for saving, for answers and I felt like God wasn’t hearing me.  I saw the perversion of the world around me and I didn’t understand.  We wanted our son, provided for our son, loved our son and yet we lost our son.  And there are those who have no intention of ever being a good parent and they have litters.  This was my thinking.  I wasn’t mad but I didn’t understand.  I wanted God to lay it out for me.  Why my son?  Why Gideon?  Then plain as day, as if he were sitting across from me, I was lead to this passage.  Those words spoke clearly to me, “you would not believe even if you were told.”  I remember thinking, “You are right.  Even if you did tell me, it wouldn’t be good enough.  I would never be able to wrap my finite mind around your infinite ways.”  At that moment, I stopped asking why.
            Now God was speaking to me from chapter 2:

1 I will stand at my watch
   and station myself on the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me,
   and what answer I am to give to this complaint.[a]
The LORD’s Answer
 2 Then the LORD replied:

   “Write down the revelation
   and make it plain on tablets
   so that a herald[b] may run with it.
3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
   it speaks of the end
   and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
   it[c] will certainly come
   and will not delay.

 4 “See, the enemy is puffed up;
   his desires are not upright—
   but the righteous person will live by his faithfulness.
The message was about being “in the dip”.  Throughout life we encounter dips.  Dips are the low times.  These are the times when life doesn’t seem to be going well.  As Christians, when we encounter dips, we often want to a.) go back to when we were at our spiritual high and just forget the dip or b.) turn from God because if God is letting this happen or if God is putting us through the trial then God must not be good and therefore we don’t want anything to do with him.  But there is a third choice; we can continue to keep our faith.  And this was what Habakkuk was doing.  He was continuing to trust in the Lord.  Habakkuk had just received news from God that He was going to send the Babylonians to destroy his people.  Habakkuk agreed that his people were wicked but the Babylonians were far more wicked than they and were far more deserving to be destroyed.  But Habakkuk chose to demonstrate his faithfulness to God.  He listened for what God would tell him, he wrote it down and then he waited.  The pastor made note that this is what we are to do when we are going through that dip.  First, we stop and listen.   We listen for what it is God wants us to do.  Then we write it down.  Often, Satan will try to deceive us and convince us that the plans we were told were not from God and that it was our own thinking but if we write it down then we have physical reassurance of the plan.  Then we wait.  Verse 3 states that it will come at an appointed time.  We are to remember that it is not our time but God’s time and that even though it may linger or take longer than we would hope for, God assures us that it will come and will not delay.  I may not see it in this lifetime, God, but you told me that it will come and I will have faith that your words will prove true.  The dips grow our faith.  It is the dip that draws us closer to God and spiritually matures us.  The diagram used that I can't re-post on here is that of a hill followed by a dip which leads to a higher hill.



“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11