Utterly meaningless....

Ecclesiastes!!

1:1-11

The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”

What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?

Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.

The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.

The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.

All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.

All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing. 

What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.

Is there anything of which one can say,
    “Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
    it was here before our time.

No one remembers the former generations,
    and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
    by those who follow them

There is nothing like a trip to your previous place of employment one week post quitting for a scripture like this to ring loud and clear.  As i ventured back today with Gabe to say hello to missed friends, deliver a bribe for reference letters in the form of cookies and sign off on charts, I wrestled with my new role there.  Can i go back to Dr. Wade’s office or to Kristin’s?  Is it okay for me to stand here?  Should I be in here?  It was all so strange.  This past week I have struggled with wanting to call and check on patients.  What was the outcome of that test?  Did so-and-so get in to see the Neurologist?  What did he say?  What did the labs say?  So many times, I have wanted to pick up the phone and text or call then I remember that it’s not my job anymore.  I left my responsibilities in very capable hands but from the times of a floor nurse, I still ache for the follow up.  

The place was humming.  The parking lot was full.  My laptop had been placed up front at the nurse’s desk.  My rooms were filled with Kristin’s patients and even my name had been removed completely from the tracking board and Kristin’s rooms were now labeled 1-4 instead of a measly 1-2.  I had easily been replaced.  Let me stop you there as you begin to type your condolences, your sappy statements of “no one can replace you,” and your “you have new journeys ahead.”  Because let me assure you that I am not sad to be gone or even to be replaced.  Sure, I miss my co-workers and my favorite patients but let me explain how this trip and the reminder of Ecclesiastes is a good thing....

With or without me, work will still go on.  i am thankful that the office is running so well, that Dr. Wade has such an efficient NP to absorb all of the extra patients she will now be seeing.  I am blessed with this image.  I have heard over and over from loved ones and friends (which is a redundant statement) that they “are the only ones who know how to do it.”  Or, “this place won’t be the same without me.”  “No one else can do what I do.”  I did not feel this way and actually it was one reason I felt okay with leaving--because I knew they would be fine without me.  There will always be someone else to pick up the slack, to learn your job, to do what you do and at times–do it better!  

As I remember and read Solomon’s writing that there is nothing new under the sun, I am encouraged again that I made the right choice.  You see, this job was what I was using to define me for so long.  I had worked all throughout my college career with the goal of being a nurse practitioner.  And for 6 short months at the very start of my career, I had made it.  I was a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner.  I was it.  But in March of 2011, I was shown that there is more to life than our career, money, home, car and our storybook family photo.  There are these things, called a spouse, called children, called Jesus.  They have faces.  They are real.  They deserve me.  And at times, with the exception of Jesus, their time with us is sometimes fleeting.  And how much was I sacrificing to be this PNP, that I wasn’t truly being the person I was made to be right in the center of our own home.  10 hours a day, 5 days a week (sometimes less--sometimes more depending on the season) i gave away to this job that could easily be done by someone else.  But the role God gave me in the home, that is mine.  Glorifying God, that is mine.  These are the things that matter.  

So seeing that board and watching another provider go into what was once “my room” was merely a pat on the back from Jesus reminding me that all is well and I can happily and confidently move on and not the punch in the chest it could have felt like, had I not had Him at my side.  Anyone can fill my role as a PNP, but only I can be the wife and mother I am made to be.  

I thank you, Lord for giving me this month off to really enjoy my role, enjoy my family.  I thank you for this time to connect more with my husband and my son.  I thank you for providing a job that will place me at home more and away less.  I thank you for designing me in such a way that through being a mom and being a wife, I can bring you glory.  I thank you for all things, because you are my source of all things. 

Sleepy daddy but he was always there to hold and rock the colicky child in the first few months or provide mama with nourishment during her late night feeding frenzies;-)  Thankful for them both!