Tonight as I think about what to write, I am encouraged to be in this fast. My relationship with Christ has been strengthened and my reliance on Him is at this all time high. In community we were discussing God’s provision and how sometimes we want something so badly that we can see it play out and a) we just take it even though it’s not best for us or b) we don’t get it and we can’t understand why God isn’t giving us what we want. I think we have all been in these situations. Of course, Lance and I prayed and pleaded for God to let us keep Gideon here with us and it is still very difficult for us to wrap our fleshly, mortal minds around that loss but still we know that it is for the glory of God. And we have definitely done things or bought things that necessarily were not in our best interest but God allowed us to do these things even though had we been perfect, he would not have had to teach us the lesson the hard way. Here is my job situation playing out under the provision and supervision of God. he has brought me many opportunities. Let’s start with my own clinic. That has definitely been thrown in the ring of possibilities on more than one occasion but God has shown me that this isn’t where I am supposed to be. My end goal is not to be a proud owner of a clinic working 4-5 days a week, staying late to finish up with a list of patients a mile long that have been assigned to me. So that one is cleared. i could have chosen to follow that pursuit, shell out all of my savings then wasted all of that time away from my family and built something that I never really wanted within the desires of a heart for God. Second, I have been given the opportunity to take a job with doctors whom I admire and adore greatly but again, the travel would be too great and would again defeat my purpose as well as God’s. So that brings us to my last interview. I think one reason I was so distraught after this meeting was because I truly thought this was where I was supposed to be and God wasn’t giving me a green light. If anything, He was heavily placing it in me to walk away from the deal. But I could picture it. I could picture the story, the glory playing out. Here was this doctor, whom had it not been for delivering Gideon on the day I did in the hospital where I was, I may have never met him. I could see God bringing him to us that day only for us to tell of the story where I later went to work for him and pursued him because of the job offer many years before. It was perfect. This man was a Christian. His clinic was his ministry. Why wasn’t it clicking? Why did I feel so discouraged after the interview? Why wasn’t God telling me this was the one? Thankfully, I have been in this fast during this time and God has continued to reveal Himself to us and He has shown us that this isn’t where i am to be. he has something better. I’m not saying He will not place me in a Christian environment but I think about us being the light. We, like Jesus, are here for those that are not saved. Don’t get me wrong, I need my Christian friends to keep me accountable, give me Biblical advise and to fellowship with but we are to be that light on a hill. And if we recluse ourselves to the church and do not do any outreach then how are we spreading the good news? I think about a pastor’s words of when a man comes up to him and says, ‘I think I’m going to quit my job and become a pastor,’ he instinctively wants to yell “NO.” We can’t all be pastors. We need to be the light in our place of business. Our co-workers need to be saved. Our patients, our clients, our patrons need the gospel. I am not saying that this doctor doesn’t use his clinic to reach those patients or even staff that are not saved but what I am saying is that there is definitely one person there who is already doing that. And perhaps God wants to place me where His word is not being spread. There is of course more to that meeting that God showed me to let me see that it’s not all rainbows and roses and I am thankful that He lets those things come to fruition without me having to make a mistake.
I can’t even begin to show you completely how much God’s hand has been in this whole situation. I try to explain but I can’t convey how powerful and leading He has been. From one opportunity to the next, he has offered a hope within us until the right thing comes along. He has shown us why something is not right (now quit coveting it). i will try to simply explain. All of my past interviews have been established through word of mouth alone. “So and so said that you were looking for a job. She said you were superb, could we meet or could you send me your resume?” Or it was my mouth telling the situation to a friend at lunch and then being presented with what seemed like a dream come true. Then there is tomorrow’s job. I received a call about the job I am interviewing for tomorrow last Monday and I was able to speak to the recruiter on Tuesday. I had submitted an application for a generic job posting that stated they were looking to hire a midlevel provider for the ED. I had no idea if the position was urgent care/fast-track specific and more so if it was even pediatric specific. But I applied and even followed up the application with a phone call/voice mail to the recruiter. This was probably three weeks ago. I never heard a reply so I figured I didn’t qualify for what they were looking for and even the next day after submitting my info, I could no longer find the job posting on the company’s site so I thought it must have been filled. I had written it off. But last week, I was able to speak to the recruiter, discuss the job in some detail, and make sure I would even qualify for what they were needing since I was not acute care certified. He informed me I was a good fit and that I should be hearing back by the end of the week or the end of the following week from the actual director of the peds ED. What kind of timeframe was that? ...maybe the end of this week, maybe the end of next. I didn’t put much stock into it and anyways, I had my glory bringing, perfect job interview to prepare for. So Wednesday when I went into the interview, God had already given me the provision of two possible opportunities but I was only focusing on the one that I thought was right. Thankfully, he showed me the next day through scripture that I had nothing to fear and I needed to continue to be patient and wait on him. And sure enough, I spoke to the ED director Friday night and had a good chat and felt like the job was mine for the taking if it suits me. Since the phone interview, we have planned to meet tomorrow for an in person meet and greet to discuss responsibilities and financials followed by a lunch to get to know some of the team. But again, doubt is setting in. In the past job and in the potential of this one, my main concern has been staying within the confinements of my scope of practice. Advanced practice nursing is different from the role of the physician in many ways but in the most basic way, the APRN has varying tracks of education. For example, I am not acute care certified. I am primary care pediatric specific. Now, I can work an urgent care setting because the majority of those cases are basic walk-in/sick complaints. For example, I phone interviewed and had a job at Dallas Children’s if I wanted it that would be for the Pediatric Fast track/urgent care section of the ED. I would be seeing non-emergent, non-acute patients only. Any procedures or possible admits would go to the emergency side. Within this role, I would be completely within my scope--although simple laceration repair is within my scope--they just choose to keep the more time consuming patients on the ED side. (I did not take this job because I do not want to move from my family and yet again it was something God allowed me to pursue but showed me that it wasn’t the right fit.) So back to the differences...I can not administer acute care meds or do acute procedures like thoracotomies, placing central lines and the such because my education doesn’t cover that scope. It doesn’t matter if I were trained properly through continuing medical education or by the physician on the floor standing next to me, my certification does not cover acute care. I would have to go back for more structured course work and then test for acute care certification in order for me to legally do those things. We are not allowed to simply be “street smart.” Whereas physicians are more streamlined and can really rotate within settings and their residency and fellowships really set them apart. (I’ll mention here also that an acute care provider cannot flop to primary care without certification either because the skills required are different within that role.) Now this position is a relatively new one. They have a new ER opening in August of next year and just recently has the hospital allowed the mid level more freedom on less acute patients. They do have one PNP but she does almost everything the physician does within that role. She is acute care certified so that is all within protocol and standards of care for her. But there lies some concern in me that I will again be faced with being asked to do things that are outside of my scope like I was in my last interview. And that has really been building up in me. But today, God brings me another unexpected phone call. This time it is from another doctor’s office in Tulsa who heard I was looking for something part-time and they are interested and would like to meet with me as soon as possible. So, God gave me another interview for Monday. This interview, like the meet and greet tomorrow, should be more relaxed as it is in the evening over dinner at a local restaurant nearby. I don’t know if the job tomorrow will be a good fit. I do not know if the job on Monday will be the one He has for me. But I do know that He is showing me that He is taking care of me. I can go into my interview tomorrow with more confidence because I know I have something else lined up for Monday if this isn’t the right place. I do not have to jeopardize my licensure just because I need a job. I do not know what God holds in store for me but I know He has a plan. I am thankful for this time of fasting so that in this life decision, I can really be open and receptive to where it is He wants me to be. Although sometimes I do wish He would just show me and give me the job, I know that He too wrestles with my flesh. I have needed to walk through these doors, hold these conversations and interviews in order for my flesh to not crave what I thought I was missing. Does that make sense? I was discussing with Lance tonight about how God definitely lets us do things and even presents opportunity that isn’t in our best interest. And often it is because, our flesh is so weak and had he not allowed it to happen or not allowed the exchange to take place, we might be constantly questioning the goodness and sovereignty of God by questioning if we are really where we need to be. Unfortunately for lack of better words, God sometimes has to physically and emotionally show us that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. But thankfully, he is loving enough to not leave us there.
That was a very long reflection and I will close with the verse of the day and how it relates:
But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. –Acts 20:24
That’s it, Jesus. It has nothing to do with me. I pray that you will place me in a role where You will be the most glorified. Lord, that is all I want. I have sought to be closer to home and have more time at home because You have told me this is your will. You have laid out the design through Eve for me to be the mother, the homemaker, the caregiver. And it was You, Lord, who called me to leave my job and seek employment closer. So whether the glory comes through my job away or through my role at home, my desire is that you receive it all. Through me, your light will shine. Through me, people will see the gospel. Through me, your love will be made known. You are truly all that matters. I love you, Lord and I thank you for all of this opportunity you have been sending my way. I pray for the right position, for the right fit. I pray for the patience, the endurance to wait on you and the ability to discern which place you would have me to go.
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| Sometimes we think of God's provision merely in the tangibles: money, children, jobs, homes but sometimes God's provision is simple– His provision in Him. This baby has multiplied the relationship that we have with Christ. We are now more dependent on Him than we have ever been. For us to be in Him and not the world, is all He wants. A relationship. A friendship. Have you talked to your friend today? |
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