The rhetoric...

Recently, my husband overheard a conversation about “tramp stamps”.  He was engaged in a conversation of his own but he wanted to comment so badly.  He chose to keep his opinions to himself...well, at least until the ride home.  It’s not the first time he has held his words back when overhearing the tramp stamp talk.  Recently, he also made it known how bothered he becomes when people make blonde jokes.  He’s protective and I love him for it but truthfully it bothers him more than I.  I just smile and tell him it’s okay.  When it comes up in conversations of my own, I only sit and listen.  You see, I have one of those “tramp stamps” also known as a tattoo on the small of my back.  I’ve had it since I was 19...right along with my belly ring (which I still love both and regret nothing about them!) and I’ve been some shade of blonde all of my life.  But those things don’t define me.  Well, some people do choose to define me by those descriptors but that girl in the blonde joke isn’t me.  That tramp you refer to isn’t me either.  I’m a mother of two boys.  I’m a wife to the same man I’ve been in a relationship with for the past 8 years without any hint of infidelity.  I have an associate’s degree, a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree.  I graduated in the top of my class.  I have a successful career.  That tramp and dumb blonde aren’t who I am.  Sure, I am socially awkward at best as my brain is searching around for the next topic of conversation but that is the introvert in me and I sometimes blurp out that my son is 20 months because somehow my mind got off track to Gideon and his age and then the age difference between him and Gabe and him to another child... 

These things, although they are more accurate than the aforementioned, are not truly who I am either.  As I have said before, I am a child of God.  This is who I am.  I could lose my husband, my job, my children but they are not my identity.  Christ is my identity.     

Maybe this is why it bothers Lance more than it does me.  It’s easy for us to get caught up in our accomplishments and want to defend them but we have to remember that it is all temporary.  It’s easier for me to hold onto that for myself than it is for him to hold onto that for me.  The role is often reversed when I hear police bashing and I automatically go into protect mode...even though he may not be active any longer, he will always be a police officer.  When he was active, he was often brushing it off and calming me down.  He was the one telling me to hold my facebook posts.  So I get it.  But again, that’s not who he truly is.  

When I get to Heaven, God isn’t going to care about the sunset on my back or that I went to graduate school.  He’s going to want to know if I knew Him.  Did I know Jesus?  Did I love Jesus?  Did I show the love of Jesus when I was here on earth?  Those qualities are what truly matter.  

So I say all of that to say this, it doesn’t matter what label society has placed on you.  It doesn’t matter what you have or what you don’t have when it comes to material things and social standards.  The only thing that matters is Jesus.  Find your identity in Christ.  

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.  --Psalm 62:6-7 

I hope that as we raise our children, we will ground them so heavily in this truth that their spirit may not be broken by mere words of another.  

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.--Proverbs 31:30

For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.  --1 Thessalonians 2:11-12  

Blonde curls.  Blue eyes.

My tattoo!  On the beach of Gulf Shores.

My loves and the vast beauty of God's creation behind them.  Family vaca to Gulf Shores.

the wait in us...

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
    and by night, but I find no rest.  --Psalm 22:1-2

We have been studying the story of Joseph over the last few weeks in our series entitled “Overcome.”  Today, Pastor Alex gave me a terrific quote/piece of advice/self examination tool.  Call it what you will...

Why is it so hard to remain patient?  Because too often we feel forgotten. 

I wrote the words down quickly.  In too many places in my life, I could easily apply this.  From something simple--waiting in line at Quik-trip, knowing it was my turn but I was “overlooked” as they waited on the people around me.  Or the time when we were in Aruba and all I needed was a pen so I could write down info for our roof replacement.  I went to the “guest services” desk and was referred to the front desk.  I waited in line at the front desk for 15 minutes, then a guy came up from the side, questioned the bell-hop for some change who then interrupted the only guy working at the front desk which then placed an even longer wait.  Instances like these, I get so worked up.  Did you not see me standing here?  Clearly, I was next.  IT’S MY TURN!!  I completely lose my patience.  Sometimes I say something very passive aggressively.  Sometimes my poor husband has to hear all about it because even though it bothered me to no end, I still said nothing and continued to be “overlooked” or “forgotten.”  And then there are those serious times when I am questioning God... Why are we going through this colic phase again?  We did this.  Remember, we did this once before.  We made it through the colic only to meet the worst end.  Couldn’t you please heal the colic this time around?  Did you forget?  One in five babies have colic.  We were 2 for 2.  Hello, up there.  Or the...seriously, it’s my turn to be pregnant.  You keep showing me all of these moms with bellies, new babies and still nothing for me.  Remember, we lost ours?  We are needing a little something here.  Have you forgotten me?  ...and those weren’t even serious waiting times.  Gabe had colic for the typical 3 months.  Between losing Gideon and becoming pregnant with Gabe, we waited a total of approximately 6 months.  That’s it.  I have friends who waited years to become pregnant and some who are still waiting.  I have friends who lost children to genetic disorders only to lose another.  

But still, in my circumstance, in my self centeredness, I question, “have you forgotten?”  

The Bible says that He knows us.  

“You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” 

--Psalm 139:1-13

But in my self pity, in my self loathing, I quickly forget.  I forget that He has promised me good.  I forget that the work that He is doing in me now is preparing me for something in the future.  I forget.  Patience stinks.  Patience especially stinks when there is hurt involved.  And it stinks even more when there is hurt involved and we think our Healer has forgotten us.  

But we can look to the Psalms and remember that He KNOWS us.  He knows our wants, our desires, our needs but more so, He knows what is best.  Joseph is a true depiction of someone who consistently seemingly is being “forgotten.”  Constantly, he is forgotten by those he lives with, works for, gives hope to.  And if not knowing the whole story, we could easily look and think that God has too forgotten Joseph.  But Joseph keeps on.  Through his waiting, he is patient.  He continues with his work for God.  Like Pastor Alex said, though his circumstances continued to change from good to bad and full circle again and again, Joseph knew who he was in God and he held on to that throughout all of his days.  

So as we continue on this journey we call “life,” like Joseph, I will try to remember who I am in Christ because although my circumstances may change, my God is my foundation and my salvation and through Him I can have JOY.  Glory to Christ that through His death, I will never be forsaken.  

If you are looking for a home church, I would love to invite you to our church, theChurch.at/midtown check it out.  We would love to save you a seat and grab some lunch!  We go to the 11:30 service so we have plenty of time for lazy, family , pancake making Sunday mornings:-) 

Daddy catching Gabe as he jumps off the rock wall at church.  He's always so excited to go and see his friends.  

Though you ruin me...

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

 In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong. -- Job 1:20-22

This is my hardest week of all of the year.  When March rolls around, memories flood through my heart, they fill my mind.  This is the week I grieve the most.  3 years.  It seems almost impossible that an entire three years have almost passed since I have last seen my first son alive and well.  It has not became easier.  Time has not healed all wounds.  I can still replay the day my phone rang while sitting in my office.  I can still visualize every inch of the lifeless body I laid my eyes on when opening the back of that ambulance truck.  I can still feel every ounce of hurt, of ache, of loss.  Yet still, I can be encouraged.

Near the end of February, I heard a sermon that mentioned this short scripture of Job.  It was constantly in the back of my mind.  Here is Job, once at the height of his life and quickly all is lost.  It is all destroyed.  What does he do?  He strips his clothes off and shaves his head (sounds like something a drunk Noah may do) but he did it out of reverence for God.  He gave God his everything.  He came before God completely humbled.  He came to God vulnerable.  He could have blamed God for everything.  He could have been spiteful.  He could have been angered at God.  He could have turned in his faith, given up, lost hope in this being who he thought had loved him but surely couldn’t seeing as to how he had taken everything and brought much pain in his life.  But he didn’t.  He chose to give every last bit and then he did something even more amazing, He praised God.  

“...blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job takes the time here to praise God.  He is thanking Him in this simple statement.  Job knows that everything comes from God.  Everything belongs to God.  And God alone is worthy of our praise.  God had just allowed Satan to destroy his livelihood and all of his family.  Here is Job: no work, no money, no home, no children.  He hadn’t been involved in some ponzi scheme and therefore “deserved” to lose his business, his income, based on our standards.  He simply lost everything because Satan thought had he taken it all, he would have stopped following God.  Satan thought that had Job not been blessed, he would not love the Lord.  But God knew his heart.  He knew he would not falter.  He allowed destruction, defeat and heart ache to come upon Job.  But Job, instead of cursing God, went a step further and gave God all that he had left.  He became that much more vulnerable.   

There is so much teaching in that one chapter of Job.  God knew Job’s heart.  He knew that the riches of Job were not tied to his happiness in God.  Job’s possessions were not his joy.  God knew Job had a faith and a heart for God.  I can only pray that when the events were taking place leading up to that March 8th day and then those few days in the PICU, God was able to say, “behold, all that she has in your hand” because he knew me, he knew my heart and he knew that my hope is in Him and not of the world.  

More importantly than seeing Job in this story, you see Jesus in Job.  Jesus was blameless.  Jesus was upright and without sin.  Jesus left his throne.  He lost everything.  He suffered.  Satan tried to tempt him.  He was brutally beaten and scourged.  Satan thought he could turn Jesus as well.  But Jesus held onto the only one who matters.  He kept his sight on God.  And thankfully because of that faith, we now have a promise.  I now know that I too will one day be in Heaven.  I will stand face to face with Gideon.  I will bow in the presence of Jesus.  

Be encouraged by Job as you go through loss, as old loss memorializes anniversary.  Remember to keep your eyes on Jesus.  Find Jesus.  Thank Jesus.  

Going along with this is Shane and Shane’s "Though You Slay Me" with John Piper.  Take time to listen.  I’ve shared this on my FB page before but never in a blog.  It’s a good song for the suffering.    

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship.

Although this week is one of my hardest, it will not ruin me.  I will remain in chasing after God’s heart.  i will continue to praise His name.  I will remember those huge blue eyes and smile.  I will keep my joy.  

Christ is my rock...

They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea. They all ate the same spiritual food and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ.--1 Corinthians 10:2-4

Sometimes I hear a sermon and I can’t help but think, “where have I been?”  Have I not heard this presented this way?  I had heard the story, heard the preaching but never fully saw Christ in the story.  And this is just one of the reasons that I love our Epic series at church....

A couple of weeks ago, we had our sermon over the Battle at Jericho but my post today won’t really comment on that specific story but more so what was added in the end.  As pastor Alex was closing out, he reflected on Moses, as we had heard that story a week before.  He began talking about the rock.  Moses was in the wilderness and his people were thirsty.  They began questioning him and confronting him.  They were unhappy.  They wanted to know why he had led them there.  They wanted to go back to Egypt, to slavery or even just die at this point.  So Moses cried out to God and sought His help.  God told him to strike the rock once and water would flow.  Moses did as God commanded, striking the rock and then the water began to flow as God said it would.  You stroll over to Numbers 20 and you see the same story picking back up.  The people are cranky, moody, and forgetting where they came from.  Moses again goes to God but this time he was told to simply speak to the rock and the water will flow.  Picture yourself as Moses for a second.  You are doing what God asked you.  You are being obedient.  Yet it seems like every time you turn around, people are contemplating killing themselves because of your stellar leadership skills.  He had gone through this scenario before and here he was having to coddle the masses once again.  So he seeks God because that worked before and God tells him again to get water from this rock.  But this time God tells him to simply speak to the rock.  Moses, I’m sure in anger and frustration and remembering that previously when he struck this rock the water flowed, struck the rock again and this time, he struck it twice.  And for this very action, he was denied being able to enter the Promised Land.  

Okay, okay...but where is Christ in this?  It’s just a rock.  God was just challenging him.  He failed.  And here we learn a story about what happens when we fail to listen and obey God.  You may get what you want in the short-term but you miss out on the blessing in the long term.  Right?  Is that not what you were taught?  Hmm.  You mean to tell me there may be more?   That this isn’t just a symbolic story to teach me to be obedient and follow the commandments??  Surely you jest? 

No there’s an immense more of teaching that comes from this story.  There are countless studies that go in great detail of the rock, its wordage in the old testament and even the placement of where the rock was throughout the two strikings.  For example, there is thinking that the rock was at a lower elevation during the first striking and higher at the second, symbolizing Christ’s lowering of Himself during His first coming and then Him being elevated during His second.  This is also looked at with the wording.  In Exodus, the word used is tsur, which simply means boulder but in Numbers the word Sela is used and this means exalted rock.  

But more important than even the above “rock” study is this simple statement....Christ is that rock that Moses is striking.  That rock is the same rock Paul speaks of in Corinthians.  Moses striking the rock symbolizes Christ having to be stricken in order for the water of life to flow from him to us.  And like the rock, Christ doesn’t have to be struck again.  That battle has been won.  And now, like the rock in Numbers, since Christ has been struck we simply need to just speak and ask Christ to release his living water on us.  

That’s it.  We just have to ask.  Because our savior died for us, because he was beaten, abused, crucified and died for our sin, we now only have to ask.  Ask!  It seems so simple.  For Moses, it was too simple.  I imagined he feared failure and more ridicule.  But God has promised us time and time again and we see it here, all the way back to Numbers, that all we have to do is ask God for his living water to fill us.  Just ask.  

Lord, I thank you for taking my place.  I thank you for dying my death.  i thank you for creating a rescue plan that allows a sinner like me to be filled with your holy living water and that because of You I now have life.  I now have an eternity with you.  I exalt you, Lord and your love endures forever.  You have been here since our day one and before.  You have always had a plan for us and I thank you for this study to get to know that plan more but most importantly to get to know you more. 

Utterly meaningless....

Ecclesiastes!!

1:1-11

The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”

What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?

Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.

The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.

The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.

All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.

All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing. 

What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.

Is there anything of which one can say,
    “Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
    it was here before our time.

No one remembers the former generations,
    and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
    by those who follow them

There is nothing like a trip to your previous place of employment one week post quitting for a scripture like this to ring loud and clear.  As i ventured back today with Gabe to say hello to missed friends, deliver a bribe for reference letters in the form of cookies and sign off on charts, I wrestled with my new role there.  Can i go back to Dr. Wade’s office or to Kristin’s?  Is it okay for me to stand here?  Should I be in here?  It was all so strange.  This past week I have struggled with wanting to call and check on patients.  What was the outcome of that test?  Did so-and-so get in to see the Neurologist?  What did he say?  What did the labs say?  So many times, I have wanted to pick up the phone and text or call then I remember that it’s not my job anymore.  I left my responsibilities in very capable hands but from the times of a floor nurse, I still ache for the follow up.  

The place was humming.  The parking lot was full.  My laptop had been placed up front at the nurse’s desk.  My rooms were filled with Kristin’s patients and even my name had been removed completely from the tracking board and Kristin’s rooms were now labeled 1-4 instead of a measly 1-2.  I had easily been replaced.  Let me stop you there as you begin to type your condolences, your sappy statements of “no one can replace you,” and your “you have new journeys ahead.”  Because let me assure you that I am not sad to be gone or even to be replaced.  Sure, I miss my co-workers and my favorite patients but let me explain how this trip and the reminder of Ecclesiastes is a good thing....

With or without me, work will still go on.  i am thankful that the office is running so well, that Dr. Wade has such an efficient NP to absorb all of the extra patients she will now be seeing.  I am blessed with this image.  I have heard over and over from loved ones and friends (which is a redundant statement) that they “are the only ones who know how to do it.”  Or, “this place won’t be the same without me.”  “No one else can do what I do.”  I did not feel this way and actually it was one reason I felt okay with leaving--because I knew they would be fine without me.  There will always be someone else to pick up the slack, to learn your job, to do what you do and at times–do it better!  

As I remember and read Solomon’s writing that there is nothing new under the sun, I am encouraged again that I made the right choice.  You see, this job was what I was using to define me for so long.  I had worked all throughout my college career with the goal of being a nurse practitioner.  And for 6 short months at the very start of my career, I had made it.  I was a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner.  I was it.  But in March of 2011, I was shown that there is more to life than our career, money, home, car and our storybook family photo.  There are these things, called a spouse, called children, called Jesus.  They have faces.  They are real.  They deserve me.  And at times, with the exception of Jesus, their time with us is sometimes fleeting.  And how much was I sacrificing to be this PNP, that I wasn’t truly being the person I was made to be right in the center of our own home.  10 hours a day, 5 days a week (sometimes less--sometimes more depending on the season) i gave away to this job that could easily be done by someone else.  But the role God gave me in the home, that is mine.  Glorifying God, that is mine.  These are the things that matter.  

So seeing that board and watching another provider go into what was once “my room” was merely a pat on the back from Jesus reminding me that all is well and I can happily and confidently move on and not the punch in the chest it could have felt like, had I not had Him at my side.  Anyone can fill my role as a PNP, but only I can be the wife and mother I am made to be.  

I thank you, Lord for giving me this month off to really enjoy my role, enjoy my family.  I thank you for this time to connect more with my husband and my son.  I thank you for providing a job that will place me at home more and away less.  I thank you for designing me in such a way that through being a mom and being a wife, I can bring you glory.  I thank you for all things, because you are my source of all things. 

Sleepy daddy but he was always there to hold and rock the colicky child in the first few months or provide mama with nourishment during her late night feeding frenzies;-)  Thankful for them both!

9/23/13 (Day16) fear not...

As I roll over and over the two wonderful opportunities for employment God has placed in front of me and wonder how I could ever decide, I read my verse of the day:

John 14:1

 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me."

Oh that Jesus, He is always on time. I needed this. Through this fast, He has continued to be faithful. He has taught me new things, strengthened my faith in Him and helped me find rest in His sovereignty. As I make my way to land exactly where he wants me, I pray that my heart will be open and my eyes set on Him so that my will will be His will. 

2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

I included this verse because it was just referenced in our Noah sermon when comparing the stalls/or rooms Noah made for man and the animals. I include it because I love repetitiveness. I love when things tie up. I love seeing something one day and seeing it again in another form another day.   I think that's why I love songs that include psalms so much. 

But here I include it because it ties up with where I am. I can hear God telling me not to fear because He already has my place picked out.   He is preparing it and He will show me the way. 

Thank you, Lord for your provision. Thank you for being a God who is always on time. I love you and I will not move until you tell me. I love you, Lord. I thank you for all that you do and for who you are. 

9/12/13 Day 5...Keep your confidence (in God–not yourself!)

September 12, 2013

Verse of the day:

Hebrews 10:35-36

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

After a rough interview, a lot of uncertainty and a restless night, I found myself praying for answers.  I needed God to give me some reassurance, some direction but most of all some peace.  I had left a job interview and felt like I was immensely under qualified because after four years of being a PNP, I was going to be required to do things that I had only read about.  Although these things were not a deal breaker and it was discussed that I could be taught, I questioned my talents and abilities.  I questioned whether I was even to remain a PNP.  I had been spoiled in my current position, being able to turn away the too complex or those that by law I could not write the needed medications for.  I have not been required to suture, staple, cast and in this new role, I would be.  I also thought my daily workload was going to double.  So when I woke, I prayed for God to help me.   I prayed for him to guide me.  I didn’t know where to turn to in my Bible and I didn’t want to make up something in my head.  I really needed his guidance and that was all that would calm me.  I have been doing my daily verse since Sunday night so I prayed that my answer, my fulfillment would be found there.  I prayed that whatever I was needing, I would find in that verse. I prayed it would not be something vague or too abstract, like a “you are holy” or “He is holy.”  I needed something straight and to the point that didn’t take much thought.  My brain was spent.  Then there it was, “do not throw away your confidence.”  Those words were all that I needed at 640 this morning as I was struggling with my career choice and what I have spent the last 5 years doing.  I am a great PNP.  I love my job.  My patients love me.  I give excellent care and more so, I know my boundaries–which I thinks makes me an even better provider.  I do not know these things he was wanting me to do because they had not been required or needed of me, not because I was incapable of learning them.  Much like working on a long term care rehab unit, my IV skills were not greatly utilized so transitioning to the NICU and to a med/surg floor took some time to get back into the swing of things I was taught during school.  This was what I needed to get me through the day.

I couldn’t really explain it but I still didn’t feel a green light from God on this job.  The doctor had even told me that he was a Christian and that this clinic was his ministry but something just wasn’t setting right.  Throughout today I have wrestled in whether I will be able to find where I am supposed to be or will I have to just get in where I can.  So tonight as I was diving into my blog session and reading Hebrews–the before and after the verse of the day, I was shown what these verses are really talking about.  

“Therefore do not throw away your confidence...”   Do not throw away your confidence, your boldness in God.  He is still the same today as He was yesterday and as He will be tomorrow.  Though your circumstances may change, though you may see blessing and favor to those around you, God is still the same.  Your reward has not changed.  

“For you have need of endurance..” ...some versions say perseverance and some say patience but they all relate.  To endure or persevere, I must be patient.  I must do His will, continue to be faithful in this walk and He will give me what He promised.  He has promised an opportunity and I will remain bold in Him and wait patiently on him.  I will endure this race.  

I thank you God that you are a God who answers prayers.  This morning when I needed you so desperately, you came to my rescue.  I thank you for the job that you blessed me with over these past 4 years.  I thank you for the job you are sending my way even when I cannot see it.  Jesus, your timing is perfect and I know you are sovereign.  I continue to pray that your will be mine and for my acts to align.  I pray that when I am to move, when I am to accept a job, you will tell me “yes.”  Lord, although you can make all things good and you can bring about things out of poor choices, I do not want to be where you do not want me.  i thank you for this insight in remaining bold in you, in who you are and I thank you for the reminder to be patient.  I love you, Lord.  There is none above you.  My soul cries out to you.  Only you can satisfy.    

I made this lab coat in pomegranate in honor of graduating!!