Though you ruin me...

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

 In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong. -- Job 1:20-22

This is my hardest week of all of the year.  When March rolls around, memories flood through my heart, they fill my mind.  This is the week I grieve the most.  3 years.  It seems almost impossible that an entire three years have almost passed since I have last seen my first son alive and well.  It has not became easier.  Time has not healed all wounds.  I can still replay the day my phone rang while sitting in my office.  I can still visualize every inch of the lifeless body I laid my eyes on when opening the back of that ambulance truck.  I can still feel every ounce of hurt, of ache, of loss.  Yet still, I can be encouraged.

Near the end of February, I heard a sermon that mentioned this short scripture of Job.  It was constantly in the back of my mind.  Here is Job, once at the height of his life and quickly all is lost.  It is all destroyed.  What does he do?  He strips his clothes off and shaves his head (sounds like something a drunk Noah may do) but he did it out of reverence for God.  He gave God his everything.  He came before God completely humbled.  He came to God vulnerable.  He could have blamed God for everything.  He could have been spiteful.  He could have been angered at God.  He could have turned in his faith, given up, lost hope in this being who he thought had loved him but surely couldn’t seeing as to how he had taken everything and brought much pain in his life.  But he didn’t.  He chose to give every last bit and then he did something even more amazing, He praised God.  

“...blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job takes the time here to praise God.  He is thanking Him in this simple statement.  Job knows that everything comes from God.  Everything belongs to God.  And God alone is worthy of our praise.  God had just allowed Satan to destroy his livelihood and all of his family.  Here is Job: no work, no money, no home, no children.  He hadn’t been involved in some ponzi scheme and therefore “deserved” to lose his business, his income, based on our standards.  He simply lost everything because Satan thought had he taken it all, he would have stopped following God.  Satan thought that had Job not been blessed, he would not love the Lord.  But God knew his heart.  He knew he would not falter.  He allowed destruction, defeat and heart ache to come upon Job.  But Job, instead of cursing God, went a step further and gave God all that he had left.  He became that much more vulnerable.   

There is so much teaching in that one chapter of Job.  God knew Job’s heart.  He knew that the riches of Job were not tied to his happiness in God.  Job’s possessions were not his joy.  God knew Job had a faith and a heart for God.  I can only pray that when the events were taking place leading up to that March 8th day and then those few days in the PICU, God was able to say, “behold, all that she has in your hand” because he knew me, he knew my heart and he knew that my hope is in Him and not of the world.  

More importantly than seeing Job in this story, you see Jesus in Job.  Jesus was blameless.  Jesus was upright and without sin.  Jesus left his throne.  He lost everything.  He suffered.  Satan tried to tempt him.  He was brutally beaten and scourged.  Satan thought he could turn Jesus as well.  But Jesus held onto the only one who matters.  He kept his sight on God.  And thankfully because of that faith, we now have a promise.  I now know that I too will one day be in Heaven.  I will stand face to face with Gideon.  I will bow in the presence of Jesus.  

Be encouraged by Job as you go through loss, as old loss memorializes anniversary.  Remember to keep your eyes on Jesus.  Find Jesus.  Thank Jesus.  

Going along with this is Shane and Shane’s "Though You Slay Me" with John Piper.  Take time to listen.  I’ve shared this on my FB page before but never in a blog.  It’s a good song for the suffering.    

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship.

Although this week is one of my hardest, it will not ruin me.  I will remain in chasing after God’s heart.  i will continue to praise His name.  I will remember those huge blue eyes and smile.  I will keep my joy.  

Christ is my rock...

They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea. They all ate the same spiritual food and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ.--1 Corinthians 10:2-4

Sometimes I hear a sermon and I can’t help but think, “where have I been?”  Have I not heard this presented this way?  I had heard the story, heard the preaching but never fully saw Christ in the story.  And this is just one of the reasons that I love our Epic series at church....

A couple of weeks ago, we had our sermon over the Battle at Jericho but my post today won’t really comment on that specific story but more so what was added in the end.  As pastor Alex was closing out, he reflected on Moses, as we had heard that story a week before.  He began talking about the rock.  Moses was in the wilderness and his people were thirsty.  They began questioning him and confronting him.  They were unhappy.  They wanted to know why he had led them there.  They wanted to go back to Egypt, to slavery or even just die at this point.  So Moses cried out to God and sought His help.  God told him to strike the rock once and water would flow.  Moses did as God commanded, striking the rock and then the water began to flow as God said it would.  You stroll over to Numbers 20 and you see the same story picking back up.  The people are cranky, moody, and forgetting where they came from.  Moses again goes to God but this time he was told to simply speak to the rock and the water will flow.  Picture yourself as Moses for a second.  You are doing what God asked you.  You are being obedient.  Yet it seems like every time you turn around, people are contemplating killing themselves because of your stellar leadership skills.  He had gone through this scenario before and here he was having to coddle the masses once again.  So he seeks God because that worked before and God tells him again to get water from this rock.  But this time God tells him to simply speak to the rock.  Moses, I’m sure in anger and frustration and remembering that previously when he struck this rock the water flowed, struck the rock again and this time, he struck it twice.  And for this very action, he was denied being able to enter the Promised Land.  

Okay, okay...but where is Christ in this?  It’s just a rock.  God was just challenging him.  He failed.  And here we learn a story about what happens when we fail to listen and obey God.  You may get what you want in the short-term but you miss out on the blessing in the long term.  Right?  Is that not what you were taught?  Hmm.  You mean to tell me there may be more?   That this isn’t just a symbolic story to teach me to be obedient and follow the commandments??  Surely you jest? 

No there’s an immense more of teaching that comes from this story.  There are countless studies that go in great detail of the rock, its wordage in the old testament and even the placement of where the rock was throughout the two strikings.  For example, there is thinking that the rock was at a lower elevation during the first striking and higher at the second, symbolizing Christ’s lowering of Himself during His first coming and then Him being elevated during His second.  This is also looked at with the wording.  In Exodus, the word used is tsur, which simply means boulder but in Numbers the word Sela is used and this means exalted rock.  

But more important than even the above “rock” study is this simple statement....Christ is that rock that Moses is striking.  That rock is the same rock Paul speaks of in Corinthians.  Moses striking the rock symbolizes Christ having to be stricken in order for the water of life to flow from him to us.  And like the rock, Christ doesn’t have to be struck again.  That battle has been won.  And now, like the rock in Numbers, since Christ has been struck we simply need to just speak and ask Christ to release his living water on us.  

That’s it.  We just have to ask.  Because our savior died for us, because he was beaten, abused, crucified and died for our sin, we now only have to ask.  Ask!  It seems so simple.  For Moses, it was too simple.  I imagined he feared failure and more ridicule.  But God has promised us time and time again and we see it here, all the way back to Numbers, that all we have to do is ask God for his living water to fill us.  Just ask.  

Lord, I thank you for taking my place.  I thank you for dying my death.  i thank you for creating a rescue plan that allows a sinner like me to be filled with your holy living water and that because of You I now have life.  I now have an eternity with you.  I exalt you, Lord and your love endures forever.  You have been here since our day one and before.  You have always had a plan for us and I thank you for this study to get to know that plan more but most importantly to get to know you more. 

Utterly meaningless....

Ecclesiastes!!

1:1-11

The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”

What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?

Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.

The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.

The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.

All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.

All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing. 

What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.

Is there anything of which one can say,
    “Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
    it was here before our time.

No one remembers the former generations,
    and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
    by those who follow them

There is nothing like a trip to your previous place of employment one week post quitting for a scripture like this to ring loud and clear.  As i ventured back today with Gabe to say hello to missed friends, deliver a bribe for reference letters in the form of cookies and sign off on charts, I wrestled with my new role there.  Can i go back to Dr. Wade’s office or to Kristin’s?  Is it okay for me to stand here?  Should I be in here?  It was all so strange.  This past week I have struggled with wanting to call and check on patients.  What was the outcome of that test?  Did so-and-so get in to see the Neurologist?  What did he say?  What did the labs say?  So many times, I have wanted to pick up the phone and text or call then I remember that it’s not my job anymore.  I left my responsibilities in very capable hands but from the times of a floor nurse, I still ache for the follow up.  

The place was humming.  The parking lot was full.  My laptop had been placed up front at the nurse’s desk.  My rooms were filled with Kristin’s patients and even my name had been removed completely from the tracking board and Kristin’s rooms were now labeled 1-4 instead of a measly 1-2.  I had easily been replaced.  Let me stop you there as you begin to type your condolences, your sappy statements of “no one can replace you,” and your “you have new journeys ahead.”  Because let me assure you that I am not sad to be gone or even to be replaced.  Sure, I miss my co-workers and my favorite patients but let me explain how this trip and the reminder of Ecclesiastes is a good thing....

With or without me, work will still go on.  i am thankful that the office is running so well, that Dr. Wade has such an efficient NP to absorb all of the extra patients she will now be seeing.  I am blessed with this image.  I have heard over and over from loved ones and friends (which is a redundant statement) that they “are the only ones who know how to do it.”  Or, “this place won’t be the same without me.”  “No one else can do what I do.”  I did not feel this way and actually it was one reason I felt okay with leaving--because I knew they would be fine without me.  There will always be someone else to pick up the slack, to learn your job, to do what you do and at times–do it better!  

As I remember and read Solomon’s writing that there is nothing new under the sun, I am encouraged again that I made the right choice.  You see, this job was what I was using to define me for so long.  I had worked all throughout my college career with the goal of being a nurse practitioner.  And for 6 short months at the very start of my career, I had made it.  I was a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner.  I was it.  But in March of 2011, I was shown that there is more to life than our career, money, home, car and our storybook family photo.  There are these things, called a spouse, called children, called Jesus.  They have faces.  They are real.  They deserve me.  And at times, with the exception of Jesus, their time with us is sometimes fleeting.  And how much was I sacrificing to be this PNP, that I wasn’t truly being the person I was made to be right in the center of our own home.  10 hours a day, 5 days a week (sometimes less--sometimes more depending on the season) i gave away to this job that could easily be done by someone else.  But the role God gave me in the home, that is mine.  Glorifying God, that is mine.  These are the things that matter.  

So seeing that board and watching another provider go into what was once “my room” was merely a pat on the back from Jesus reminding me that all is well and I can happily and confidently move on and not the punch in the chest it could have felt like, had I not had Him at my side.  Anyone can fill my role as a PNP, but only I can be the wife and mother I am made to be.  

I thank you, Lord for giving me this month off to really enjoy my role, enjoy my family.  I thank you for this time to connect more with my husband and my son.  I thank you for providing a job that will place me at home more and away less.  I thank you for designing me in such a way that through being a mom and being a wife, I can bring you glory.  I thank you for all things, because you are my source of all things. 

Sleepy daddy but he was always there to hold and rock the colicky child in the first few months or provide mama with nourishment during her late night feeding frenzies;-)  Thankful for them both!

9/23/13 (Day16) fear not...

As I roll over and over the two wonderful opportunities for employment God has placed in front of me and wonder how I could ever decide, I read my verse of the day:

John 14:1

 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me."

Oh that Jesus, He is always on time. I needed this. Through this fast, He has continued to be faithful. He has taught me new things, strengthened my faith in Him and helped me find rest in His sovereignty. As I make my way to land exactly where he wants me, I pray that my heart will be open and my eyes set on Him so that my will will be His will. 

2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

I included this verse because it was just referenced in our Noah sermon when comparing the stalls/or rooms Noah made for man and the animals. I include it because I love repetitiveness. I love when things tie up. I love seeing something one day and seeing it again in another form another day.   I think that's why I love songs that include psalms so much. 

But here I include it because it ties up with where I am. I can hear God telling me not to fear because He already has my place picked out.   He is preparing it and He will show me the way. 

Thank you, Lord for your provision. Thank you for being a God who is always on time. I love you and I will not move until you tell me. I love you, Lord. I thank you for all that you do and for who you are. 

9/12/13 Day 5...Keep your confidence (in God–not yourself!)

September 12, 2013

Verse of the day:

Hebrews 10:35-36

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

After a rough interview, a lot of uncertainty and a restless night, I found myself praying for answers.  I needed God to give me some reassurance, some direction but most of all some peace.  I had left a job interview and felt like I was immensely under qualified because after four years of being a PNP, I was going to be required to do things that I had only read about.  Although these things were not a deal breaker and it was discussed that I could be taught, I questioned my talents and abilities.  I questioned whether I was even to remain a PNP.  I had been spoiled in my current position, being able to turn away the too complex or those that by law I could not write the needed medications for.  I have not been required to suture, staple, cast and in this new role, I would be.  I also thought my daily workload was going to double.  So when I woke, I prayed for God to help me.   I prayed for him to guide me.  I didn’t know where to turn to in my Bible and I didn’t want to make up something in my head.  I really needed his guidance and that was all that would calm me.  I have been doing my daily verse since Sunday night so I prayed that my answer, my fulfillment would be found there.  I prayed that whatever I was needing, I would find in that verse. I prayed it would not be something vague or too abstract, like a “you are holy” or “He is holy.”  I needed something straight and to the point that didn’t take much thought.  My brain was spent.  Then there it was, “do not throw away your confidence.”  Those words were all that I needed at 640 this morning as I was struggling with my career choice and what I have spent the last 5 years doing.  I am a great PNP.  I love my job.  My patients love me.  I give excellent care and more so, I know my boundaries–which I thinks makes me an even better provider.  I do not know these things he was wanting me to do because they had not been required or needed of me, not because I was incapable of learning them.  Much like working on a long term care rehab unit, my IV skills were not greatly utilized so transitioning to the NICU and to a med/surg floor took some time to get back into the swing of things I was taught during school.  This was what I needed to get me through the day.

I couldn’t really explain it but I still didn’t feel a green light from God on this job.  The doctor had even told me that he was a Christian and that this clinic was his ministry but something just wasn’t setting right.  Throughout today I have wrestled in whether I will be able to find where I am supposed to be or will I have to just get in where I can.  So tonight as I was diving into my blog session and reading Hebrews–the before and after the verse of the day, I was shown what these verses are really talking about.  

“Therefore do not throw away your confidence...”   Do not throw away your confidence, your boldness in God.  He is still the same today as He was yesterday and as He will be tomorrow.  Though your circumstances may change, though you may see blessing and favor to those around you, God is still the same.  Your reward has not changed.  

“For you have need of endurance..” ...some versions say perseverance and some say patience but they all relate.  To endure or persevere, I must be patient.  I must do His will, continue to be faithful in this walk and He will give me what He promised.  He has promised an opportunity and I will remain bold in Him and wait patiently on him.  I will endure this race.  

I thank you God that you are a God who answers prayers.  This morning when I needed you so desperately, you came to my rescue.  I thank you for the job that you blessed me with over these past 4 years.  I thank you for the job you are sending my way even when I cannot see it.  Jesus, your timing is perfect and I know you are sovereign.  I continue to pray that your will be mine and for my acts to align.  I pray that when I am to move, when I am to accept a job, you will tell me “yes.”  Lord, although you can make all things good and you can bring about things out of poor choices, I do not want to be where you do not want me.  i thank you for this insight in remaining bold in you, in who you are and I thank you for the reminder to be patient.  I love you, Lord.  There is none above you.  My soul cries out to you.  Only you can satisfy.    

I made this lab coat in pomegranate in honor of graduating!!

9/13/13 Day 6...Holy humor

September 13, 2013

Last night as I was explaining my verse, how it applied and how badly I needed it, I told Lance that same story about my morning experience and how I was praying to not receive anything vague or abstract like an “I am Holy” or “you are holy” verse.  Well, this morning I woke, pulled out my phone and this is what I saw...

I immediately began laughing, nudged Lance and told him the hilarity of the humor God contains.  It’s almost as to if He tells me, “yesterday you were down and you needed something quick and direct but today I am going to give you that thing you didn’t want so that you can learn from it.”  I know that every verse is holy.  I know every verse is important.  I know there is wisdom from every verse.  But yesterday, I just needed that quick pick me up.  Today, he gives me the lesson.  

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” --1Peter 13-16

My take away from today’s verse and how it applies to me and how if only I would take the time to search the context and spend time in relationship with Christ, I would have seen how this Holy passage applies to me and our situation....

This verse is describing a time of preparation for the coming of Christ and describing a time of living holy because God has made us holy through Christ.  But this is how I needed it...

Prepare your mind for action:  Get ready.  Be prepared.  Roll up your sleeves.  

Be sober minded:  Put your game face on.  Get serious.  

Set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought:  Look to Jesus alone.

Do not conform to your former ignorance: You have changed.  You are a new creation.  

....so all together with the verse of the day, this is what I see...

It’s time to get ready and to be prepared.  Like a man who is going into battle, so must I roll up my sleeves, take this seriously and prepare for what God will have me to do.  My hope is to be fully in Christ.  Not only is He the giver of salvation but all good things come from HIm.  It is not man, nor my abilities that will get me into the place He wants me to be but it will be God alone.  Obedience can of course mean outward acts but it can also mean the obedience of my heart and my trust.  I  must continue to lean on Him and wait on Him and trust in Him.  I cannot return to my time before Christ where I had little hope and felt as though I were doing it all on my own.  I have to remember that He is my identity and through Him alone I will be placed where he calls.  And lastly, the holy verses.  God is holy.  He is set apart from us.  Though created in His image, we have separate characteristics in our being and in our perfection.  But God being holy, calls us to him to be holy also.  He does not use his holiness as a shield to keep us out.  He created a door through Jesus to allow us to come in, to draw near to us and to be holy, or set apart, with Him.  So, how does this apply in my job search?  Easy, God has set me apart.  He already has the perfect position lined up for me.  He has a plan.  I am one of his children, one of his chosen.  I cannot doubt His goodness or the blessings he has given.  I must be holy as he is holy, in my thought and action. 

Lord, I thank you for having a sense of humor.  It may be in these times more than others that I take most delight in you.  You are amazingly amazing and you never cease to awe me.  I will love you all of my days.  Thank you for this reminder that I am set apart and when I doubt my belonging, I doubt myself and my skill, you are there to pick me up.  You remind me with a gentle verse that I belong to you.  You have made me perfect and you will help me find my way.  I love you, Lord.  Thank you, Jesus.

9/18/13 (Day11)...out of ashes...

Tonight as I think about what to write, I am encouraged to be in this fast.  My relationship with Christ has been strengthened and my reliance on Him is at this all time high.  In community we were discussing God’s provision and how sometimes we want something so badly that we can see it play out and a) we just take it even though it’s not best for us or b) we don’t get it and we can’t understand why God isn’t giving us what we want.  I think we have all been in these situations.  Of course, Lance and I prayed and pleaded for God to let us keep Gideon here with us and it is still very difficult for us to wrap our fleshly, mortal minds around that loss but still we know that it is for the glory of God.  And we have definitely done things or bought things that necessarily were not in our best interest but God allowed us to do these things even though had we been perfect, he would not have had to teach us the lesson the hard way.  Here is my job situation playing out under the provision and supervision of God.  he has brought me many opportunities.  Let’s start with my own clinic.  That has definitely been thrown in the ring of possibilities on more than one occasion but God has shown me that this isn’t where I am supposed to be.  My end goal is not to be a proud owner of a clinic working 4-5 days a week, staying late to finish up with a list of patients a mile long that have been assigned to me.  So that one is cleared.  i could have chosen to follow that pursuit, shell out all of my savings then wasted all of that time away from my family and built something that I never really wanted within the desires of a heart for God.  Second, I have been given the opportunity to take a job with doctors whom I admire and adore greatly but again, the travel would be too great and would again defeat my purpose as well as God’s.  So that brings us to my last interview.  I think one reason I was so distraught after this meeting was because I truly thought this was where I was supposed to be and God wasn’t giving me a green light.  If anything, He was heavily placing it in me to walk away from the deal.  But I could picture it.  I could picture the story, the glory playing out.  Here was this doctor, whom had it not been for delivering Gideon on the day I did in the hospital where I was, I may have never met him.  I could see God bringing him to us that day only for us to tell of the story where I later went to work for him and pursued him because of the job offer many years before.  It was perfect.  This man was a Christian.  His clinic was his ministry.  Why wasn’t it clicking?  Why did I feel so discouraged after the interview?  Why wasn’t God telling me this was the one?  Thankfully, I have been in this fast during this time and God has continued to reveal Himself to us and He has shown us that this isn’t where i am to be.  he has something better.  I’m not saying He will not place me in a Christian environment but I think about us being the light.  We, like Jesus, are here for those that are not saved.  Don’t get me wrong, I need my Christian friends to keep me accountable, give me Biblical advise and to fellowship with but we are to be that light on a hill.  And if we recluse ourselves to the church and do not do any outreach then how are we spreading the good news?  I think about a pastor’s words of when a man comes up to him and says, ‘I think I’m going to quit my job and become a pastor,’ he instinctively wants to yell “NO.”  We can’t all be pastors.  We need to be the light in our place of business.  Our co-workers need to be saved.  Our patients, our clients, our patrons need the gospel.  I am not saying that this doctor doesn’t use his clinic to reach those patients or even staff that are not saved but what I am saying is that there is definitely one person there who is already doing that.  And perhaps God wants to place me where His word is not being spread.  There is of course more to that meeting that God showed me to let me see that it’s not all rainbows and roses and I am thankful that He lets those things come to fruition without me having to make a mistake.  

I can’t even begin to show you completely how much God’s hand has been in this whole situation.  I try to explain but I can’t convey how powerful and leading He has been.  From one opportunity to the next, he has offered a hope within us until the right thing comes along. He has shown us why something is not right (now quit coveting it).  i will try to simply explain.  All of my past interviews have been established through word of mouth alone.  “So and so said that you were looking for a job.  She said you were superb, could we meet or could you send me your resume?”  Or it was my mouth telling the situation to a friend at lunch and then being presented with what seemed like a dream come true.  Then there is tomorrow’s job.  I received a call about the job I am interviewing for tomorrow last Monday and I was able to speak to the recruiter on Tuesday.  I had submitted an application for a generic job posting that stated they were looking to hire a midlevel provider for the ED.  I had no idea if the position was urgent care/fast-track specific and more so if it was even pediatric specific.  But I applied and even followed up the application with a phone call/voice mail to the recruiter.  This was probably three weeks ago.  I never heard a reply so I figured I didn’t qualify for what they were looking for and even the next day after submitting my info, I could no longer find the job posting on the company’s site so I thought it must have been filled.  I had written it off.  But last week, I was able to speak to the recruiter, discuss the job in some detail, and make sure I would even qualify for what they were needing since I was not acute care certified.  He informed me I was a good fit and that I should be hearing back by the end of the week or the end of the following week from the actual director of the peds ED.  What kind of timeframe was that?  ...maybe the end of this week, maybe the end of next.  I didn’t put much stock into it and anyways, I had my glory bringing, perfect job interview to prepare for.  So Wednesday when I went into the interview, God had already given me the provision of two possible opportunities but I was only focusing on the one that I thought was right.  Thankfully, he showed me the next day through scripture that I had nothing to fear and I needed to continue to be patient and wait on him.  And sure enough, I spoke to the ED director Friday night and had a good chat and felt like the job was mine for the taking if it suits me.  Since the phone interview, we have planned to meet tomorrow for an in person meet and greet to discuss responsibilities and financials followed by a lunch to get to know some of the team.  But again, doubt is setting in.  In the past job and in the potential of this one, my main concern has been staying within the confinements of my scope of practice.  Advanced practice nursing is different from the role of the physician in many ways but in the most basic way, the APRN has varying tracks of education.  For example, I am not acute care certified.  I am primary care pediatric specific.  Now, I can work an urgent care setting because the majority of those cases are basic walk-in/sick complaints.  For example, I phone interviewed and had a job at Dallas Children’s if I wanted it that would be for the Pediatric Fast track/urgent care section of the ED.  I would be seeing non-emergent, non-acute patients only.  Any procedures or possible admits would go to the emergency side.  Within this role, I would be completely within my scope--although simple laceration repair is within my scope--they just choose to keep the more time consuming patients on the ED side.  (I did not take this job because I do not want to move from my family and yet again it was something God allowed me to pursue but showed me that it wasn’t the right fit.)  So back to the differences...I can not administer acute care meds or do acute procedures like thoracotomies, placing central lines and the such because my education doesn’t cover that scope.  It doesn’t matter if I were trained properly through continuing medical education or by the physician on the floor standing next to me, my certification does not cover acute care.  I would have to go back for more structured course work and then test for acute care certification in order for me to legally do those things.  We are not allowed to simply be “street smart.”  Whereas physicians are more streamlined and can really rotate within settings and their residency and fellowships really set them apart.  (I’ll mention here also that an acute care provider cannot flop to primary care without certification either because the skills required are different within that role.)  Now this position is a relatively new one.  They have a new ER opening in August of next year and just recently has the hospital allowed the mid level more freedom on less acute patients.  They do have one PNP but she does almost everything the physician does within that role.  She is acute care certified so that is all within protocol and standards of care for her.  But there lies some concern in me that I will again be faced with being asked to do things that are outside of my scope like I was in my last interview.  And that has really been building up in me.  But today, God brings me another unexpected phone call.  This time it is from another doctor’s office in Tulsa who heard I was looking for something part-time and they are interested and would like to meet with me as soon as possible.  So, God gave me another interview for Monday.  This interview, like the meet and greet tomorrow, should be more relaxed as it is in the evening over dinner at a local restaurant nearby.  I don’t know if the job tomorrow will be a good fit.  I do not know if the job on Monday will be the one He has for me.  But I do know that He is showing me that He is taking care of me.  I can go into my interview tomorrow with more confidence because I know I have something else lined up for Monday if this isn’t the right place.  I do not have to jeopardize my licensure just because I need a job.  I do not know what God holds in store for me but I know He has a plan.  I am thankful for this time of fasting so that in this life decision, I can really be open and receptive to where it is He wants me to be.  Although sometimes I do wish He would just show me and give me the job, I know that He too wrestles with my flesh.  I have needed to walk through these doors, hold these conversations and interviews in order for my flesh to not crave what I thought I was missing.  Does that make sense?  I was discussing with Lance tonight about how God definitely lets us do things and even presents opportunity that isn’t in our best interest.  And often it is because, our flesh is so weak and had he not allowed it to happen or not allowed the exchange to take place, we might be constantly questioning the goodness and sovereignty of God by questioning if we are really where we need to be.  Unfortunately for lack of better words, God sometimes has to physically and emotionally show us that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  But thankfully, he is loving enough to not leave us there.  

That was a very long reflection and I will close with the verse of the day and how it relates:

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. –Acts 20:24

That’s it, Jesus.  It has nothing to do with me.  I pray that you will place me in a role where You will be the most glorified.  Lord, that is all I want.  I have sought to be closer to home and have more time at home because You have told me this is your will.  You have laid out the design through Eve for me to be the mother, the homemaker, the caregiver.  And it was You, Lord, who called me to leave my job and seek employment closer.  So whether the glory comes through my job away or through my role at home, my desire is that you receive it all.  Through me, your light will shine.  Through me, people will see the gospel.  Through me, your love will be made known.  You are truly all that matters.  I love you, Lord and I thank you for all of this opportunity you have been sending my way.  I pray for the right position, for the right fit.  I pray for the patience, the endurance to wait on you and the ability to discern which place you would have me to go.  

Sometimes we think of God's provision merely in the tangibles: money, children, jobs, homes but sometimes God's provision is simple– His provision in Him.  This baby has multiplied the relationship that we have with Christ.  We are now more dependent on Him than we have ever been.  For us to be in Him and not the world, is all He wants.  A relationship.  A friendship.  Have you talked to your friend today?