9/15/13 Day 8 a flooded heart...

Genesis 6:11-16

Now God saw that the earth had become corrupt and was filled with violence.  God observed all this corruption in the world, for everyone on earth was corrupt.  So God said to Noah, “I have decided to destroy all living creatures, for they have filled the earth with violence. Yes, I will wipe them all out along with the earth!

“Build a large boat from cypress wood and waterproof it with tar, inside and out. Then construct decks and stalls throughout its interior.  Make the boat 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet high.  Leave an 18-inch opening below the roof all the way around the boat. Put the door on the side, and build three decks inside the boat—lower, middle, and upper.

Today was our second sermon from the EPIC series and I chose to blog about it rather than the verse of the day because I learned something new!  Pastor Himaya was able to translate the picture of Christ through the building of the ark.  Had I been taught this in years past, I must have forgotten but now I wish to share as some may have never been shown or they too may have forgotten.  

God told Noah to build a large boat from wood.  As this may be for our benefit so that we would be able to process how much time and effort went into this boat or so scholars didn’t conceive some idea that this boat was made from metals but it seems a little redundant to tell Noah to build an ark out of wood.  During that time, they would not have used any thing else other than wood to make boats.  But we see wood somewhere else in the Bible.  The cross, made of wood, is a huge symbol of the love of God.  Here, with Noah, we see the wooden ark as that love from God.  “Waterproof it with tar.”  Well, of course the boat needs to be waterproofed but this is a covering–like Christ is our covering.  He is our atonement for sin.  The tar was the covering of the boat to protect Noah and his family from the consequences of sin (the flood)–such as Christ is our covering to protect us from the consequences of sin (death and separation from God).  Another word for the stalls that God tells Noah to build throughout the Ark is rooms.  In John 14:2, Jesus tells the disciples “My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?”  And then lastly, God tells Noah to build one door for the Ark.  There is to be one way in and one way out.  The Bible says that God left that door open for 7 days before He (God–not Noah) closed it.  This represents Jesus and the Kingdom also.  John 14:6 states that “Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”  Like there was only one way to survive the flood and not face death and that was through that one door onto the Ark, so is Jesus our one way to free ourselves from that separation from God.  He is the only answer to make us holy and to make us right with God again.  

Pastor Himaya touched on that question we all get when discussing God’s majesty, his goodness and his sovereignty.... “where was God’s mercy during the flood when all of those people died?”  His mercy was in the Ark, people.  In the Ark.  Like today, his mercy is in Christ.  There is a way.  You do not have to live without a relationship with God.  You do not have to spend an eternity separated from God.  You do not have to pay the consequences of sin because Christ has already paid our debt.  Our freedom is in Him.  Our ransom has been paid.  We are free.  But He is the only way.  You have to believe.  You have to accept Him.  Allow God to show you His mercy through Jesus.  

Lord, I thank you for showing me something new.  I thank you that I can see Christ in my study.  Lord, I pray that hearts will continue to be touched and souls saved for your glory alone.  I thank you for the passion that you instill in me.  I thank you that your Spirit is within me and that I can feel you.  Lord, my soul cries out for your goodness, your sacrifice and for your love.  How I love to hear the good news.  How I love to know you died for me, Lord.  For me.  Before I even knew you, Lord.  You took a brutal beating and died a sinner’s death for me.  Because you loved me, I can now love you.  And I do love you, Lord, with a heart so full that I can’t even place into words how you make me feel.  I worship you, Lord.  Continue to burn your fire within me.    

^{Romans 5:11}   So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.

We are friends of God through Christ.

Vanderbilt 2009 post PNP Graduation

...He is stronger than death (day 4 of the fast)

September 11, 2013

First, just writing out that date makes me want to take some time to reflect on what today means in history.  I think if we are old enough to remember, we all remember where we were 12 years ago on this day.  I remember.  I remember the call from my mom as I was actually asleep, oblivious to anything even happening.  I remember turning on the tv and being paralyzed in shock and fear while sitting on the couch of my little Boonton, NJ apartment--miles away from my comfort zone of my family.   My mom’s voice was filled with fear.  All she knew was that I worked at the Bank of New York, so to her, that meant I was in NYC.  However, I was 30 miles away across the state line in my quiet little neighborhood.  But the fear swelled up within me.  I had never seen such a thing.  My brain could not comprehend what my eyes were seeing.  I was naive, a mere 20 years old and other than the Oklahoma City bombing from when I was 13, I had never been so near to something so tragic.  I tried to call out to my friends but the phones were all locked up.  It was a mess.  It was devastating. But we all remember those days that followed.  Our little town was strengthened.  We had heard of gas stations who were charging 5 bucks a gallon but our local shop was selling it for 80 cents a gallon and there were American flags everywhere.  Lapel pins, banners, marquees, and flags consumed our streets, our yards, our buildings and even our clothing.  We all joined together.  We were all broken.  We all sought justice.  We were nicer to one another.  We all loved America. I go back to that feeling that I really didn’t understand before that time.  My heart overflows with the patriotism, the uniting of our nation, the mission work that was done during those following days.  We really came together.   Remember, today, those lost and remember that love for America.  America has its downfalls.  We are gluttonous, stingy, spoiled, but we are also the land of the free.  We are also the land where people risk their lives to flee to because we offer opportunity, freedom and a hope.  Remember that when you think of America.  

Verse of the Day:

Philippians 4:9

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  

This is Paul speaking to the church at Philippi.  This letter speaks much of joy, yet it comes from a man who was possibly in prison–simply for being a Christian.   Throughout history, the word joy has taken on a not so substantial meaning.  Often, it refers to a fleeting feeling that is made full from possessions, actions, people but true joy is that abiding sense of happiness.  Like depression can seem like this ever nagging cloud of doubt and dull while even in happy times, true joy that comes from the Lord leaves us with hope, happiness, a sense of all-is-well within our soul even when the rain comes.  That, my friend is joy.  And Paul, while sitting in a prison for no real crime, speaks to a church miles away of joy.  

Philippians is lit up in my Bible with highlighting and underlining of well-known verses in its short 4 chapters:

1:21..to live is Christ and to die is gain.

2:14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure...

2:12...work out your salvation with fear and trembling

3:7..I now consider loss for the sake of Christ

4:13 I can do all things through him who gives me strength

4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

...and many more.

Paul writes to the church at Philippi as a friend would write another.  He offers hope, encouragement and a peace that could only come from God.  Rejoice remains a recurring theme and like my Bible edition sums it up, Paul’s philosophy is “to live is Christ and to die is gain."  God is stronger than death, and that makes a Christian’s joy indestructible.   

So as we go through trials and deal with unknowns and remain far from a world of absolutes and certainties, we can remain joyful, hopeful, confident that our God is stronger, better and that he wants well for us.

So, as I look at Paul and read this verse of the day that he writes while sitting in a jail cell, I will practice that same hope, encouragement and display the joy that God has given me through the Holy Spirit. 

 I love you, Lord.  I honor you.  You are my great encourager and I will try to encourage others as you lead me to.

Genesis.... again??? 9/8/2013

Yes, again!  I will never get enough!

Just a short recap of our sermon this AM...

September 8, 2013

EPIC--our sermon series beginning September 8 and leading through Easter.  

Epic starts out in Genesis.  This is a series hitting those epic stories of the Bible that show us that glimpse of Christ.   

Genesis makes me giddy.  Like a school girl at show and tell, bringing my stuffed oversized spotted turtle that my aunt gave me, ready to show the world my treasured gift, so is Genesis to my soul.  Reading the story of creation, hearing of the gifts God gave us, the perfectness, the simplicity, the ease in our being brings about a hope and love that can only be given by the Holy Spirit.  And even as I walk through Genesis and we only make it a mere 3 chapters before we twist the paradise and my heart is breaking, I am still in awe because I know that just a few more verses, not even chapters but only verses, God gives us our first glimpse of Jesus and the gospel.  Even as I scream at Eve to not eat, Adam to tell her to stop, scream at Adam to just answer God, tell him the truth, repent, just REPENT, I still have hope because God gave us that hope first.  

Now while I fully believe that pride is at the center of our every sin--this thinking that we know better, we are better, we are capable of better--our pastor taught that Adam and Eve had grown complacent.  I could see that.  But again, I would say that pride is at the center of our complacency.  Pastor Himaya pointed out that complacency leads to complaining which leads to discontentment and this leads to an untrusting.  Adam and Eve had everything.  Their work was easy.  They could enjoy all of the fruits of the garden except for one.  They had a direct relationship, no I would say friendship, with God.  But they grew complacent with the blessing of God and this led them to lacking the trust in God that they had once had.  So when the serpent came to them, they were already susceptible to believing the lie.  And since this time, we have constantly wanted to do what we want.  Genesis shows us that God is willing to hurt us for own good.  Pastor Himaya demonstrated this same hurt in the way that if a car was barreling down the road toward your child, you would without a second thought push your child down on the pavement as you pushed him out of the way.  You would risk skinning a knee or an elbow, bruising a tush or a hand.  You would risk fracturing a bone to save your child from getting pummeled by a moving car.  Genesis brings us the curse but Genesis also shows that God loves us.  Genesis brings us the fall but Genesis brings us Jesus.  What a beautiful picture of Jesus.  

one of my favorite sleepers worn by both my favorites;-)

Sealed... 9/10/13

September 10, 2013

I have an interview set up for tomorrow evening at 6.  I am incredibly excited and nervous.  It has been years since I have had to interview--probably since 2007 or so.  My clinical rotation with Dr. Wade was my interview.  He extended me a job offer and contract on my last day of clinical so I have never had to do a face to face, tell me your weaknesses, your strengths kind of interview as a PNP.  I was spoiled and somewhat blessed in this matter.  I have always gotten every position that I have ever interviewed for.  I was blessed by God alone.  What type of questions would he ask me?  Will I have to recite the immunization schedule verbatim?  List reasons why I would not immunize? Work out a case study?  Eek!!  What are my strengths?  What are my weaknesses?  Yikes!!  

Verse of the Day: 

Ephesians 1:13-14

In him you also, when you heard the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.  

I read a story while reading some commentary on these verses.  It was of an elderly lady who was making her final arrangements as she knew the end was nearing.  The pastor had came and she discussed, music, flowers, belongings.  She made it known that she wanted to be buried with her Bible and then as the pastor was about to leave, she remembered there was one last thing.  She wanted to buried with a fork in her right hand.  The pastor was baffled.  He couldn’t imagine why a fork.  She explained that at church function meals, her favorite part was when the people who were clearing the tables told her that she could go ahead and keep her fork.  She knew what this meant.  There was more to come.  Something better was on the way.  It wasn’t going to be jello but cake or pie was going to be handed out.  So she wanted to be buried with that fork because she knew there was something better to come and that fork symbolized that for her.  

The Holy Spirit is our promise.  It’s our fork, so to speak.  The Holy Spirit is our seal, our guarantee that we will one day inherit the Kingdom of Heaven and that we are now in Christ.  The meal is good but Lord almighty, the dessert is worth the wait.  Jesus is worth the wait.  The Kingdom is coming.  I know that I will now look at keeping my fork in a whole new light, so I wanted to share and I hope you too will smile when told that you can keep your fork--I will probably giggle some;-)  

God is so good to give us that promise, to place in us a stake, a place holder that reminds and reassures us of things to come and what we have.  Bless the name of Jesus.  He is worthy of our praise.  

if this doesn't make you laugh, you should probably call a code....

Update:  So, I talked to a physician recruiter whose group manages the urgent care/ER to which I was referring that is in Tulsa.  It sounds like a definite viable option as far as pay and benefits but there are still a lot of unknowns--hours, scope, credentialing and I have yet to speak with the actual director of the ER.  There are options but God has a plan.  I am praying for a good interview tomorrow evening and that God will continue to guide my steps. I know he has so far.  

Forsake me not...9/9/13

September 9, 2013

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!

In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!

Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.

For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.

Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.

Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.

For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together

and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

As I begin my fast from facebook and instagram, I decided it would be best to journal my journey through this 21 days.  The fast was to begin last night but after looking at both social media outlets early yesterday morning, I decided it best to just go ahead and start on our way to church.  Last night, as I was reading my Bible verse of the day on my Bible app, I decided that journaling the verse of the day accompanied by how I can apply that to my life would be most beneficial in leaning on God more and more.  If along the way, I read something else or learn something else, I will also try to journal this!  So you may get an ear full everyday!  Again, we are fasting to align our will with God’s to ensure that our plans and pursuits are in line with His.  Happy reading!

As I began day two, I was encouraged.  I find pieces of my life coming together.  I am beginning to see the wolves in sheep’s clothing. I am seeing doors open, doors close that need to be and God fulfilling His promise to me.  He will never forsake me.  During the past week I have had a combination of job possibilities that have ranged from 2 days a week, totaling 12 hours total to a full work week plus possible overtime in the comforts (confines??) of my own clinic.  Although 12 hours a week divided between two evening shifts does seem ideal, I am not certain that this position will have longevity.  I would be filling in for an urgent care that is not pediatric specific but will only be seeing the peds patients.  There is a possibility that if someone were to come along that had family credentialing then I could see myself without a job.  The hopes of being in my own clinic sounds amazing.  But then I think of all of the stress and commitment that is associated with that and I almost puke!  When I first started out as a nursing student, this was of course my goal but as you all know, my goal had changed significantly.  There is also a possibility of a full-time urgent care position at one of the local hospitals that would consist of 12 hour shifts three days a week.   

I feel God leading me to a clinic in Tulsa but I have yet to meet with this doctor in person and really discuss the specifics.  The previous PNP was working three 12 hour shifts with no weekends.  She would work 9-9 with her daytime hours in the clinic and from what I understand, her after 4 hours in the urgent care.  I know that 12 hour shifts may seem ridiculous to you but I would love to be home 4 full days and only work 3.  Gabe is not in school, there are no sports to work around so for me to work 12’s for awhile would be more ideal for us.  The doctor of the clinic was Gideon’s doctor at St. John Owasso when he was born.  He let me know about the opening of his new clinic and gave me a flier in case I was interested in coming to work there.  I, of course at the time, was entering into a new contract of three years--so I wasn’t going anywhere.  But it was exciting to have someone show interest when I wasn’t even looking!  I remember Kirsten, the NNP who cared for Gideon (and later Gabe,) telling me how great Dr. Henley was and that he may be looking for someone.  But I was taken.  I’ve been taken.  Until now.  

I received a message at work last Thursday from the PNP at the clinic with a simple name, number, office location and to call or text back.  I assumed/hoped that since it said I could text that this was not patient related!  I text back and waited in anticipation.  Sure enough, she replied back in search of a PNP.  She had been given my name through a friend.  After about a year of working at the clinic and many trips back and forth to Africa, she was leaving to go to Africa permanently and she was looking for someone to take her place.  Even better, she had been working 12 hour shifts three days a week.  I had been searching for this type of position.  I was giddy to say the least.  Thankful to God for sure.  I excitedly emailed the doctor.  It was difficult to not use my exclamations, my smiley faces.  I had to keep it professional.  I waited all evening....checking my email almost hourly and again as soon as I woke.  lance and I prayed over it, praying for God’s will.  I checked my email again just before heading off to work.  My body just worn down from the trip back and forth, longing for closeness to home.  But there was nothing.  No reply.  Unease began to swell within me.  Maybe he didn’t like my resume.  Did he even get it?  How could I have stood out more?  Friday morning I had to sign my panel away at work.  Instantly I felt a little of “what are you doing?...are you crazy?...you do not have a job?...you are making a mistake.”  But then like the calming Sprit He is, I heard soft, stern and clear, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.”  I heard Him loud and clear.  I will not look back, Lord.  It is your will I am seeking.  You will not forsake me.  I will keep my eyes on you.  I checked my email after texting Lance and in my inbox was a thank you email from the doctor, wanting to meet me as soon as possible.  God is gracious.  God is good.  

Psalm 71:8 was the verse for today but simply leading with that verse doesn’t tell us the whole story.  It is easy to praise Him when all is well but we must be able to see His splendor, His glory, His goodness when all is not well.  Here we see David worn, tired, his strength fading.  He cries out to God to not forsake him in his hour of need.  He speaks that God has never forsaken him and he won’t start now.  David has had trial, he has had hardship but he will praise the name of the Lord.  He will return to Him.  

I am by no means David but i do feel my strength fading, my spirit tiring but the Lord can save me. He will never forsake me.  He will bring me through to the other side.  I thank Him for this calm that He has given me and these plans that He continues to bless me with.  Although this Peds clinic may not be where I land I think God gives me these plans to help keep me afloat.  It is through Him that all good things come.  I will praise Him for these things.  

Who wouldn't want to spend more time with this sweet baby???

Fasting for the Lord...

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways. 

“For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?”  

“Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?”  

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. --Romans 11:33-36

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. --Romans 12:1-2

We are having a corporate fast coming up in September for 21 days at the Church.  I have been rolling over what it is I am to fast for the past month.  I have still yet to decide.  I definitely do not want to take the easy road but want to give up something that not only will make me rely more on God for his strength to make it through but also something that when I am craving the omitted item, I turn to God and the Bible for more time with Him.  

As you all know, I am quitting my job and I have nothing concrete lined up.  There have been options placed in front of me but no contracts signed, no “you start the first.”  No, I gave my notice in full faith that God would get me closer to home and give me more time with Gabe and Lance.  I gave my notice so that I can be more of the mom God desires me to be.  As my contract was coming to an end and due for renewal, I had to make a decision and I knew God was calling me to leave.  This calling has been screaming for a long time but I have refused to place my complete dependence on Him and his provision.  

I feel this fast is in perfect timing (His timing is always perfect, right?).  The fast begins on September 8th and ends September 28th.  My last day of employment is September 30th.  I know these last few weeks of employment will be extremely difficult as doubt plagues my brain.  I will begin to waiver and reach for the quick answer, the option that offers simply a paycheck and security but not the answer that God is wanting me to wait for.  I will not fast for God to give me what I want as in a way to control Him--I sacrifice for You, You give me x amount of money so I never have to work again.  No, I fast so that my will will align with His will.  I want to strengthen my relationship with Him.  I want to make sure that my plans and pursuits are led by Him.  I fast so that I will rely on His strength, His provision, His security.  I fast because I need Him.  He wants me to need Him.  He wants to teach me to need Him more.  

Will you join the Hamm family as we enter into this fast together, praying for God’s guidance and our dependence on Him?  We love you guys and we are so honored that you take the time to read our story.  As in our trials with Gideon, we could use those prayers again for God’s sovereignty and provision.  We need Jesus.  We are desperate for Jesus.  We want to need Him more.  

In my distress I called to the Lord;
    I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
    my cry came before him, into his ears. --Psalm 18:6

Feel my distress, Jesus.  Hear my cry. 

You can do all things...

Testimony comes in those times when the odds were against you.  Rarely do you hear the testament of how the routine giver routinely gave and yep, this month he was able to pay his bills again and have money left over like he did last month and the month before and the month before that.  No, testimony generally comes from that giver who had his car break down, the fridge go out and an unexpected co-pay and prescription to fill yet he still tithed although he didn't know how he was going to pay to have that new fuel line put in.  But God's provision was given to him and an unexpected check came in the mail or turns out, the fuel line wasn't out, he just happened to have some bad gasoline.  Miracles, that's what we want to brag on Jesus about.  That's what we want to hear about.  I remember profoundly with Gideon, praying for that miracle.  We prayed for him to beat all odds.  I even said, "what a wonderful testimony it would be to tell of our son who was perfectly healed in the name of Jesus on this side of Heaven."  The doctors didn't have a good prognosis and I, like so many other mothers standing in my place before me, wanted God to prove them wrong.  I wanted my testimony.  I wanted it my way.  I wanted our  son.  But God being all sovereign, leading us down his path and not our own, gave us another testimony.  Is it that my son died?  Of course not.  My testimony remains that although our son passed away, although we didn't get what we wanted, although my husband fasted and saw no tangible results, our hearts still belong to Jesus.  Our testimony remains that satan has no hold on us.  Our testimony remains that hell has no power.  Jesus is our source.  Jesus is our salvation.  And for us that salvation brings us many things even this side of heaven--saved from depression, from hate, from a deep pit of self-loathing.  Jesus is the only way that we have survived.  Our faith in him, his grace to us--that is all.    

Today, as I was journaling--journaling to Jesus, I was encouraged and I wanted to share this encouragement with you.  As I am patiently waiting on God, which at times is honestly not the calmest of spirit, I will remember that I have been obedient.  I must wait for Him.  I will remember that God is in control.  God loves me.  God loves my little family.  And although things may not always go as I had planned or as I want, in time or action, He is in control, has my best interest at heart and His plans will only make me stronger in Him--which is the only thing that matters anyway.  Be encouraged by Job.  Even though God allowed a lot of harm to come his way, his relationship in Christ was only refined by the fire.      

Then Job replied to the Lord:

“I know that you can do all things;    

no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me to know.

“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;

I will question you,    

and you shall answer me.’

My ears had heard of you   

 but now my eyes have seen you.

Therefore I despise myself    

and repent in dust and ashes.” --Job 42:1-6

Our original little monkey in utero;-)