Forsake me not...9/9/13

September 9, 2013

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!

In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!

Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.

For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.

Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.

Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.

For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together

and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

As I begin my fast from facebook and instagram, I decided it would be best to journal my journey through this 21 days.  The fast was to begin last night but after looking at both social media outlets early yesterday morning, I decided it best to just go ahead and start on our way to church.  Last night, as I was reading my Bible verse of the day on my Bible app, I decided that journaling the verse of the day accompanied by how I can apply that to my life would be most beneficial in leaning on God more and more.  If along the way, I read something else or learn something else, I will also try to journal this!  So you may get an ear full everyday!  Again, we are fasting to align our will with God’s to ensure that our plans and pursuits are in line with His.  Happy reading!

As I began day two, I was encouraged.  I find pieces of my life coming together.  I am beginning to see the wolves in sheep’s clothing. I am seeing doors open, doors close that need to be and God fulfilling His promise to me.  He will never forsake me.  During the past week I have had a combination of job possibilities that have ranged from 2 days a week, totaling 12 hours total to a full work week plus possible overtime in the comforts (confines??) of my own clinic.  Although 12 hours a week divided between two evening shifts does seem ideal, I am not certain that this position will have longevity.  I would be filling in for an urgent care that is not pediatric specific but will only be seeing the peds patients.  There is a possibility that if someone were to come along that had family credentialing then I could see myself without a job.  The hopes of being in my own clinic sounds amazing.  But then I think of all of the stress and commitment that is associated with that and I almost puke!  When I first started out as a nursing student, this was of course my goal but as you all know, my goal had changed significantly.  There is also a possibility of a full-time urgent care position at one of the local hospitals that would consist of 12 hour shifts three days a week.   

I feel God leading me to a clinic in Tulsa but I have yet to meet with this doctor in person and really discuss the specifics.  The previous PNP was working three 12 hour shifts with no weekends.  She would work 9-9 with her daytime hours in the clinic and from what I understand, her after 4 hours in the urgent care.  I know that 12 hour shifts may seem ridiculous to you but I would love to be home 4 full days and only work 3.  Gabe is not in school, there are no sports to work around so for me to work 12’s for awhile would be more ideal for us.  The doctor of the clinic was Gideon’s doctor at St. John Owasso when he was born.  He let me know about the opening of his new clinic and gave me a flier in case I was interested in coming to work there.  I, of course at the time, was entering into a new contract of three years--so I wasn’t going anywhere.  But it was exciting to have someone show interest when I wasn’t even looking!  I remember Kirsten, the NNP who cared for Gideon (and later Gabe,) telling me how great Dr. Henley was and that he may be looking for someone.  But I was taken.  I’ve been taken.  Until now.  

I received a message at work last Thursday from the PNP at the clinic with a simple name, number, office location and to call or text back.  I assumed/hoped that since it said I could text that this was not patient related!  I text back and waited in anticipation.  Sure enough, she replied back in search of a PNP.  She had been given my name through a friend.  After about a year of working at the clinic and many trips back and forth to Africa, she was leaving to go to Africa permanently and she was looking for someone to take her place.  Even better, she had been working 12 hour shifts three days a week.  I had been searching for this type of position.  I was giddy to say the least.  Thankful to God for sure.  I excitedly emailed the doctor.  It was difficult to not use my exclamations, my smiley faces.  I had to keep it professional.  I waited all evening....checking my email almost hourly and again as soon as I woke.  lance and I prayed over it, praying for God’s will.  I checked my email again just before heading off to work.  My body just worn down from the trip back and forth, longing for closeness to home.  But there was nothing.  No reply.  Unease began to swell within me.  Maybe he didn’t like my resume.  Did he even get it?  How could I have stood out more?  Friday morning I had to sign my panel away at work.  Instantly I felt a little of “what are you doing?...are you crazy?...you do not have a job?...you are making a mistake.”  But then like the calming Sprit He is, I heard soft, stern and clear, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.”  I heard Him loud and clear.  I will not look back, Lord.  It is your will I am seeking.  You will not forsake me.  I will keep my eyes on you.  I checked my email after texting Lance and in my inbox was a thank you email from the doctor, wanting to meet me as soon as possible.  God is gracious.  God is good.  

Psalm 71:8 was the verse for today but simply leading with that verse doesn’t tell us the whole story.  It is easy to praise Him when all is well but we must be able to see His splendor, His glory, His goodness when all is not well.  Here we see David worn, tired, his strength fading.  He cries out to God to not forsake him in his hour of need.  He speaks that God has never forsaken him and he won’t start now.  David has had trial, he has had hardship but he will praise the name of the Lord.  He will return to Him.  

I am by no means David but i do feel my strength fading, my spirit tiring but the Lord can save me. He will never forsake me.  He will bring me through to the other side.  I thank Him for this calm that He has given me and these plans that He continues to bless me with.  Although this Peds clinic may not be where I land I think God gives me these plans to help keep me afloat.  It is through Him that all good things come.  I will praise Him for these things.  

Who wouldn't want to spend more time with this sweet baby???