the ultimate misleader...

In recent months my encounters with atheists has been on the rise.  I haven’t had any face to face interaction (that I am aware of) but in social networking I have heard and seen more.   A few of the Christian pages that I like on Facebook have a few dedicated atheist followers.  It amazes me and sometimes enrages me that they find so much time to post an anti-God statement on so many posts or give false claims of the Bible and Jesus.  I have never responded because my wise pastor once told me that it does no good to argue.  Two nights ago I was reminded of this once again, while Lance and I were reading through Titus together.  Paul tells Titus, “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.”  To be divisive means to cause a disagreement or dissension ( a disagreement that brings about a lack of harmony between persons). 

Last night I was able to hold on to this even more.  As a side note and a telling of how God works throughout our lives here is a little insight—Sunday morning at church, we were given a lesson over Psalms 1:2-3. 

(blessed is the one)…. whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

The message was that we were to read God’s word and meditate on that daily.  When we do this we are made stronger in our spiritual relationship with God.  I was reminded that it is impossible to build a relationship with my own husband if I do not get to know him, if I do not spend time with him and the Bible is God’s way of teaching us His character and in this we build a true relationship.  Dwayne had pointed out that many times after his reading he would later in the day be faced with an application scenario of something that he had earlier read.  That’s the amazing thing about God’s word—it still applies today.  So this is where I was.  Lance was encountering his own revelation and meditation but it dealt with another part of Titus and that is his story to tell. 

So, back to last night—I had stumbled across a blog of a guy through a post of a friend.  I had seen that he had written a book and I was intrigued because I love a good read and even more so a good read from a “real” person that knows someone I know!  I got to looking around and realized that this guy was an atheist.  It did take me sometime and even when he spelled it out in his description I was still not a 100% convinced.  Surely, he was kidding.  He had been a Christian, a theology major.  Now he was an atheist?  As I read through his “about me” blurp over and over, I tried to wrap my head about it.  We talk about it all of the time at home group.  How can intelligent people who know the Bible, study the Bible and who have experienced the Holy Spirit deny God?  He spoke of his month long journey trying to live as a child with his daughter as the example so that he could know what God wanted of him.  This journey led him to the conclusion that his spiritual journey was grounded in fear and in exchange for that fear he finds faith IN HIMSELF, realizing HE is the answer to all his wanting.  (That “he” is not capitalized because it is referring to the big He of God but for emphasis that he finds faith and answer in his own being—the common thread of atheists whom believe that Christianity is merely a crutch to help bring peace, order and sense to our lives.)  My heart instantly broke.  I don’t know this guy but my heart aches for him.  He, during a time of trying to draw near to God, was attacked by Satan and was able to be deceived.  The Bible says that Satan falsifies truth and delights in deception.  His goal is to get us to stop following God.  It would appear that in the life of this young man, Satan has won. 

Satan is constantly working, trying to attack us and get us to leave Jesus.  Though many people who claim to be atheist would not claim to be Satan followers, they have still been deceived by Satan.  All throughout the Bible, we see that we are given two paths; the one that leads us to Heaven or the one that leads us to Hell.  We are either for or against God.  We either choose the wide and easy path that the world offers or we take the narrow and hard path that leads to Jesus.   That is, if you don’t take the road to Jesus then you take the road to Satan by default.  The world is of Satan.  The wide path is the worldly path. 

Christians are under attack more than the non-believer.  Why does Satan care to attack someone who already follows him?  He has already won them over?  We talked about this just weeks ago in home group when discussing a statistic that more Christians get divorced than non-believers.  Why would Satan want to break up a team that is already on his side but the Christian home—now that is powerful.  Two married Christians who raise children to be followers of Jesus, to love Jesus and to know Jesus-now that is intimidating.  We are seeing divorce and separation around us and it is heartbreaking.  We pray for our marriage and for the marriages of our friends.  We know that divorce leads to destruction so we pray against it.  I feel like we should pray more as a group as the incidence continues to increase.

I know that this was a ramble of a blog but it’s what I felt led to post today.  Today, God wanted me to write warning of the deception of Satan.  Today, God wanted to remind us that we must always keep our eyes on Jesus because Satan is waiting around every corner to try and keep us from the Kingdom of Heaven…

Application--it's the real deal....

Genesis 50:19-20 ..."Don't be afraid.  Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

The saving of many lives is what the Bible was all about.  An account was given so that we may know history, that we may know God and so that we would come to know Jesus and have relationship with him.  So many times throughout the Bible we see an evil act that God is able to turn for good and bring about change in people--not only change, but a change of the heart and a turning to God.  Tonight Lance and I are presenting Genesis 4--Cain and Abel.  And we are presenting it like we have heard it taught to us and how we can best relate.  Growing up I learned the story of Cain.  He was a terrible man.  He killed his brother.  I was taught that I shouldn't kill, especially not my brother!  But that's all that I really learned from all of those days in Sunday school.  But there is so much more to the story.  We see Eve putting her hope in her son, thinking this is the answer that the world needs.  She thinks this is Jesus.  We see Cain commit a grievous act which he remains un-repentive of for quite some time.  But then we see in the end of the chapter that people began to call on the name of the Lord.  This is what God wants.  He wants us to turn to Him, to call to him, to want to be in relationship with Him.  And this comes from the horrendous act that Cain committed. 

So this is my challenge for the group tonight; that we may see ourselves in Cain, that we may see what Satan has meant for harm in our own lives but God has used for good and lastly that we may be able to apply some real life application of the story of Cain and Abel.  After all, this would truly be the purpose of the history lesson.  It does us no good to read the story, to know the story yet be unable to apply the story.  I challenge them to be able to see that separate from God, we are all like Cain, we are all like Eve and later on, we are all like Lamech. 

In reading and preparing, I was able to reflect on our own experiences and see exactly how we related to these people in Genesis 4.  First, I will begin with Eve.  Oh that Eve!  In the last chapter Eve had just been punished.  She had received the penalty for disobeying God but God had given her the hope of redemption.  In chapter 3, we received our first Gospel and we see where God has used the opportunity to take something that Satan has done that was meant for evil and destruction and turn it into something good.  He gives us the promise of Jesus.  I’m going to stop here for a moment because this literally gives me goose bumps.  Satan says, I can deceive your woman and cause your man to openly disobey and God replies, “I’ve got a plan.”  God doesn’t erase creation, start over or just give up on us all together.  No, he says, “I’ve got Jesus and He will overcome.”  Okay, okay…now back to Eve.  So Eve knows that through her a son will be born who will reverse all that she has done.  A son will come that will correct her mistakes.  She thinks Cain is Jesus.  We see her boast in what she has done.  Little does she know that her son will turn out to be a pre-meditated cold blooded killer who not just kills but who kills his own brother. 

Here is my reflection of me being Eve.  First, I overstep my husband and like Eve, I try to overstep God.  This was what she had done in chapter 3 and what she was doing here in chapter 4.  Just the other day, Lance and I were simply walking through the store and I felt like he was taking the long way out and moving too slow so I took a right instead of following him.  Immediately after, I was hit with the simple conviction that I wasn’t letting my husband lead.  Now I know that it sounds ridiculous to many of you and that this may seem very trivial but Lance has a well-hated job in this town.  There aren’t many people who respect what he does and plenty of people who, if given the chance, would love to harm him or his family or any other officer or officer’s family on the police force.  And we had talked about that before.  Simple things, like if he tells me to stay put then I need to stay put or if he tells me to stay with him then I need to stay with him.  And this isn’t because he’s chauvinistic and he gets to tell me what to do because God says so but because he cares about me, he loves me and much like God, he wants me to be safe.  Then of course, as a mom, I am much like Eve.  We mothers all put so much on our children to do great things.  Did I think that Gideon would save the world?  No.  But did I think he would do great things in the name of God?  Yes.  That’s one reason we gave him the name of Gideon (mighty warrior of God).   I don’t think that it is necessarily wrong to think the latter but we must be careful to realize that no human can save us—only Jesus can save us.  But I had great plans for him.  Swimming lessons at 6 months, private Christian school, music lessons, sports, and college.  But God had something better.  He knew the days ahead and he had plans to turn something bad into something good.  He knew that he could do miraculous things through the tragic loss of our son.   So, my point here is that separate from God, we are all Eve.  We women try to overstep our husbands, overstep our God and we place too much emphasis on our own doing and what our children can do and not on what God can do. 

Then we move on to Cain and Abel.  I won’t get into it too much but I want you to realize that Cain came to worship with jealousy and unbelief in his heart.  He was jealous of Abel.  So God rejected his offering which made Cain that much more mad.  And God tried warning him.  He tried to get Cain to repent.  Even after Cain had killed Abel, God came to him seeking for repentance but Cain refused…until later.  And like so many, we fight jealousy.  We fight addiction and lust and self-righteousness.  We, like Cain, come with sin in our lives.  The past six months haven’t been easy, that’s no secret.  I have fought with my own jealousy and my own anger and bitterness.  There have been times when I have seen a mother holding her 4 month old baby and I was jealous because I only got to hold and enjoy mine until he was 3 months and not a day more.  At three months exactly, he was ripped from our arms and for two days following we went through turmoil seeing our baby lifeless, beginning to swell and just “not there” anymore.  For those next two days, we prayed relentlessly for God’s mercy and his healing, only to get a healing that we hadn’t expected.  And I have wrestled with the bitterness when I see a mother who doesn’t even enjoy their child, when I see someone who doesn’t appreciate what they have, when I see someone take for granted the blessing that God chose to give them.  I wrestled with resentment and anger during the past 6 months when a test would come back negative and then I would hear of a new mother expecting her baby after not even “trying” at all.  It was hard to see drug addicts and child abusers and child molesters be blessed with children when we were stripped of the one we were given and waiting on God to bless us with another.  But during those times, I would be convicted and I would turn back to God and seek Him more and fall even further into relationship with him.  But separate from him, I would be a bitter, angry, unbelieving, jealous person much like Cain. 

I believe that Cain repented because he goes on to be blessed and I believe that he began to spread the word of God in his thriving metropolis.  Some may argue with that view.  Like I said, we were taught to see Cain as bad, as dirty, as evil.  But I think if we read on and see what God says, how Cain responds and then the blessings that Cain receives then we may see Cain in another light.  We also, may be able to see ourselves in Cain. 

In the end of Genesis we see that Eve gives birth to Seth and this time she gives credit where credit is due.  She acknowledges that God has granted her another son.  She realizes God did this.  Unlike in the beginning of the chapter where she states, “with the help of God” this time she gets it right.  God did this.  I was merely the vessel that He chose to use.  This child is God’s and He made my son.  She finally gets it.  And that’s what we get when we turn to God.  Then at the very end we are told “people began to call on the name of the Lord.”  That’s what it’s all about people.  We die to self.  We recognize that we are merely vessels.  We realize that these are not our hands, not our minds, not our money, not our house, not my job, not my child but that it all belongs to God.  And we seek him constantly for guidance and we thank Him for what he has done.  We have faith in His plan and in His Son.  We lean on God and not our own understanding.

And lastly I want to say and probably repeat that God has done amazing things through our experience with Gideon in our lives and in those who knew his story.  Our relationship is closer than it has ever been.  Now God is granting us another child that should be here May 8^th—if it is God’s will.  We are excited and encouraged to see what God will let us “borrow”.  We pray that our hearts stay turned to Him and He remains our focus.

the help....

Lance and I attend two home groups with our church.  We were originally only frequenting one on Monday nights but after Gideon left us, we started attending the Wednesday night group as well.  The group is a little big and we are technically members of the Monday group but they have been gracious enough to allow us to continue to come.  The time will come though that we will have to leave and when even the group may be divided because it is getting too large.   To put it like Jared, I hope we have to draw straws or something because I don't see any of us wanting to pick sides and leave one another.

Anywho, in the Wednesday night study we are going through Genesis.  I love Genesis.  Genesis is where it all begins.  Genesis is where God begins to reveal himself to us.  And recently, Genesis is where I really see what God designed me to be.  I will just briefly share a part of my role through the eyes of God.  I was designed to be a helper.  Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”  This does not mean that I am inferior to my husband, Genesis 1:26 and 27 explains that God made us in His image, male and female in his image.  Therefore we are equal.  I do not need to join a feminist movement, strike on shaving or curse like a sailor to prove my equality.  God did it back there on day 6.  No, I am not inferior.  I am a helper.  In Genesis 2, we see God unfolding His plan in us.  He sees Adam alone and declares that he needs someone.   So God decides to take a rib from Adam to make Eve.  God could have used any bone or even chosen to use something completely different or even created Eve out of nothing.  But he chose a rib.  This is important.  This reiterates that we are equal.  God formed Eve from a bone taken from the side of her husband—not from above, below, behind or in front of but from the side.   The best place that I like to be is nestled up next to Lance with his arm around me and our sides touching.  God made me from that nook.

So God made me to be a helper…what exactly does that mean?  Well, before He made Eve, he made Adam to work (Gen 2:15).  At this time, his work was blessed.  In 3, the curse comes and I would agree that this is where the work became hard.  But in 2, life was good.  Work was easy and Adam loved to work.  So I look at my husband—he loves to work.  He complains sometimes of the ins and outs of his job but he loves to work.  Many times, I have ridden with him on night shift and he was dreading working.  He didn’t want to do anything.  He didn’t want to make stops.  He didn’t want to be pro-active.  But as the night went on and he became active in his work, he began to enjoy it.  He loved being busy, bouncing from one call to the next, or one stop to the next.   And now, he doesn’t pray for money to bring in extra funds to get the student loans paid off or the house finished, he prays for work.   So my husband is a worker.  In his work, he has to be gone from the home 40 plus hours a week and sometimes he is away more than he is at home because he has picked up extra work.  So with him being made to work and him following through with God’s design for him to work, where do I fit into this puzzle?  I would say that it is my job to make his work easier.  It is my job to make his burden lighter.  If he is away at work then it is my job to ensure that things are taken care of at home.  And when you think of it, it makes sense.  God made me to carry the baby for 9 months—not the worker.  He made me to make the milk—not the worker.  I would also say that by design Lance is more rough and rugged.  He is stronger than I and more agile.  I am more comforting and nurturing.  We saw a great deal of the difference during our brief parenting and our bouts with colic—nights of Gideon crying with me in near tears trying to console him, while lance simply says, “ah boy, shush it and shake it off.”!!  I remember so desperately wanting Gideon to be on a schedule for when I went back to work so that I could work and care for him in the office.  But I was the milk machine—producing 24 hours a day by design.    I know that this may come across as sexist to some of you—“Are you really saying that the wife should care for the home and the kids while the husband does nothing?”  No, I am saying that the wife should take care of the home and the kids while the husband is providing for the family.  Lance is a great husband.  He helps out often.  During the last week of maternity leave and during the ice storm when Lance would have to venture to work but I was able to stay home, there were many nights where when dinner time came, he offered to hold the colicky baby, prepare the meal or go and get Cherry Berry for the worn out mama.  There is give and take.  He may help me but ultimately, the dishes, the clothes, the babies are my responsibility. All the while he respects me in that role.  He doesn’t leave his glass in the livingroom or his dirty laundry strewn across the house because it is my job to clean it up.  Just as I do not spend his paycheck on frivolous things in hopes that he will only make more.   “So a woman can’t work?”  She can, but her first priority after God is to be her husband. 

Of course this relationship is more than just household duties and making a paycheck but this is all I felt led to discuss tonight as I wait for my bread to rise and bake.

I have been venturing out in my baking abilities with my latest endeavor being a rendition of birdseed bread.   Baking is therapeutic.  I love baking and creating a meal for a large crowd or for my sampling of one.  (perhaps because that is who I was meant to beJ)  I enjoy making things that Lance and I can take with us to work and things that will last throughout the week.  I want us to be able to eat healthy and this is one thing that I can do to help us save money by not buying bread from the store (which for the same quality of bread at Whole Foods is about $5 plus a loaf) and help keep us from eating junk.  I made this bread last weekend for community from a recipe that I found online and it was so yummy for our breakfast slice with Nutella and our afternoon sandwiches that I had to make it again.  Hope you enjoy….

I had to go to Reasor's to get the Red Mill 7 grain cereal.  I couldn't find it at the Wal-Mart here.  (this is one of the many things that the Reasor's employees helped me to find and it was on the cereal aisle--clever spot:-))

• 1 1/4 cups 7-Grain Cereal 
• 2 1/2 cups Boiling Water 
• 3 cups Unbleached All Purpose Flour (plus extra for dusting) 
• 1 1/2 cups Whole Wheat Flour 
• 4 Tbsp Honey 
• 4 Tbsp Unsalted Butter, melted and cooled slightly 
• 2 1/2 tsp Instant Yeast 
• 1 Tbsp Salt 
• 3/4 cup Raw Pumpkin Seeds or Sunflower Seeds (Raw Shelled) 
• 1/2 cup Oats, Rolled, Regular Old fashioned 

also was unable to find these little jewels at Wal-mart where the nuts were all salted and roasted.  The recipe calls for raw nuts but I was still unable to find the raw sunflower seeds.  After a few trips around the Reasor's store, we decided this was the best that we were going to find and I wasn't up for  a drive to Whole Foods (driving across town to buy sunflower seeds to make a bread to help save money while wasting gas didn't seem reasonable!)They tasted great in the bread.

Directions 1. Place cereal mix in bowl of standing mixer and pour boiling water over it. Let stand, stirring occasionally, until mixture cools to 100�F and resembles thick porridge (about 1 hour). In a separate medium-sized bowl, whisk flours together.

2. Once grain mixture has cooled, add honey, melted butter and yeast. Stir to combine. Attach bowl to standing mixer fitted with the dough hook. With mixer running on low speed, add flours � cup at a time, and knead until dough forms ball (1-1/2 to 2 minute); cover bowl with plastic and let dough rest 20 minutes. 

after about an hour, the cereal should be thick and cooled down to about 100

butter, honey and yeast added in

adding the flour...

3. Add salt and knead on medium-low speed until dough clears sides of bowl, 3-4 minutes (if it does not clear sides, add 2-3 Tbsp additional all-purpose flour and continue mixing); continue to knead dough for 5 more minutes. 

4. Add seeds and knead for another 15 seconds. Transfer dough to floured work surface and knead by hand until seeds are dispersed evenly and dough forms smooth, taut ball. Place dough into greased container with 4-quart capacity; cover with plastic wrap and allow to rise until doubled, 45 to 60 minutes.

5. Adjust oven rack to middle position; heat oven to 375�F. Spray two 9� x 5� loaf pans with nonstick cooking spray. Transfer dough to lightly floured work surface and pat into 12� x 9� rectangle; cut dough in half crosswise with knife or bench scraper.

6. To shape loaves, start with one dough (from step 5). With short side facing you, start at farthest end, roll dough piece into log. Keep roll taut by tucking it under itself as you go. To seal loaf, pinch seam gently with thumb and forefinger. Repeat with other dough. Spray loaves lightly with water or nonstick cooking spray. Roll each dough in oats to coat evenly. Place loaf seam-side down in grease loaf pan, pressing gently into corners. Cover lightly with plastic wrap and let rise until almost doubled in size, 30-40 minutes. (Dough should barley spring back when poked with knuckle.)

7. Bake until internal temperature registers 200�F on an instant-read thermometer (35-40 minutes). Remove loaves from pans and cool on wire rack before slicing, about 3 hours.

Magnificent. Glorious. Triumphant…..

This morning I received a message from a friend.  Her heart hurts for us and longs to be home—the true home.  I had no encouraging words.  I often feel the same way.  All I could do was tell her how I felt and then these strange words typed from my fingers…what a glorious day it will be.  Glorious?  5 months ago did I ever say the word glorious?  I typed it and I thought about it.  The word is fitting.  The word is perfect.  Awesome, great, amazing, fantastic, and even terrific are great words but they just don’t seem to fit when it comes to standing in Jesus’s presence or the re-uniting of a mother and her son.  Glorious just fits.  A great sale is awesome.  A miracle is amazing.  Getting to leave work early is fantastic and a date night with my hubby is terrific.  But meeting Jesus face to face and seeing Gideon again is just glorious.   

Made for deep intimacy...

Last night our pastor’s wife had a typical “Tonya” moment.  If you knew her then you would know what I am talking aboutJ  Her humor and her klutziness always give us a good laugh.  A lot of times it’s not even her humor but that she is just humorous in her being that makes us laugh.  Last night Lance was excited to hear more in Genesis.  He made the statement, “tonight’s the big night” while we were eating dinner together.  Tonya took that statement to mean that I must have been ovulating and so we must have been going to try for a baby when we got home.   After the study we had gathered and were praying for rain, praying for our nation and praying for his people to turn back to him.  Tonya was praying for our fertility.  While she was praying silently, Dwayne began praying aloud, “we pray for those in heat…”.  Tonya thought he was adding to her prayer and what a peculiar way of saying itJ 

Sometimes you feel like a prayer is just for you or the message was sent just for you to hear.  God can reach out and individually affect our lives.  This morning I read an article from a pastor.  Although it discussed loneliness in the midst of not having a partner or close friends, I still felt like it was just what I needed.  The pastor stated that in our loneliness, we should see it as a helper.  Loneliness is not an enemy but is a reverberation of our purpose here—we are made by God and we are made for God.  “Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee.” –Augustine.  I think that all I need is another baby to love and hold or my Gideon back and then most of (or all of in the latter situation) my pain will go away.  But this is my delusional reality.  Children are wonderful blessings but are not the purpose of why we are here.  The pastor states that loneliness is like a sticky note that reminds us, “Don’t forget for whom you were made.”   The author goes on speaking of viewing loneliness as a friend that helps draw you closer to God.  He then points out that loneliness has an ugly twin sister named “fear”.  This is where I am.  My heart feels lonely without my son here.  And then I have fear—fear that I will never conceive again, fear that I am not good enough for that blessing, fear that plans will not work out if we are given another baby.  Then there are fears of this happening all over again—loss.  I fear that we will not be good enough.  But like the author says, I must remember that God does not love me because I am lovable but because HE IS LOVE.   “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” –Romans 8:32.  I must remember that I may not have Gideon here but I have Christ.  I may not be pregnant yet but I have Christ.  I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.  He sees my imperfections, my ins and outs and he knows my heart.  He wants good things for me—whatever those things may be.  And although I pray for a baby—the reality, as harsh as it may seem, is that I may not get another baby.  This may not be God’s plan.  I know that I am in his will in trying to conceive because I have prayed, asked and listened but just because he has given me the okay to begin trying again does not mean that I will definitely conceive.  Often times he has us do things for the learning that comes with the test.  I pray that I am soaking up every ounce of knowledge and that I am truly growing closer to him because this would be the ultimate purpose.   My flesh fears that I will not get what I want; my heart trusts that all He does is good (regardless if it’s what I want or not).

Faith comes from...

The issue of faith is not so much whether we believe in God, but whether we believe the God we believe in. - RC Sproul

--Day  after day, I find more truth in this statement. 

I believe in God—I have no problem in that believing.  But there are days when I wrestle with believing his goodness for me.  I wrestle with the fact that he has a plan for us—a plan that is better, greater and far exceeds anything that we could imagine.  Some days it is hard to remember that he is the conductor and that he is gracefully arranging the notes in my life to play out a beautiful masterpiece. 

Over the weekend we went to two different church services other than our own.  On Saturday night it was Church on the Move with Pastor Willie George.  He spoke about faith.  He recalled a story about when his daughter had been 10 and she had fallen from an upper level onto the concrete floor and landed directly on her head.  He took her home, thinking that she was just a little shook up and bruised.  At home she began vomiting.  They called their doctor who told them to go ahead and bring her in and that someone would be there to check her out.  There had been an ice storm that night but they ventured out anyways only to arrive at the office to find the lights turned out and the doors locked.  They called the pediatrician who told them to come back first thing in the morning.  They arrived first thing in the morning after a night of Charity repetitively vomiting.  The pediatrician looked her over, a bit perturbed that the staff had closed the clinic early the night before and then sent them across the street to have imaging done.  The doctor came out and handed them the films in a large manila envelope with a solemn face and told Pastor George to go directly to the emergency room and the staff would be waiting for him.  He knew then that it was serious.  They rushed over and the staff ushered them back immediately.  They had frequented the ER many times before for broken limbs and open wounds but this time it was different.  There was no waiting in the lobby or asking for insurance forms.  No, this time they went straight to a room.  The surgeon came in to talk them and told them that there was a large bleed over their daughter’s brain and it needed to be evacuated immediately.  He could not guarantee that she would make it.  He could not guarantee that there would not be lifelong complications.  They were amazed that she was doing so well to begin with.  Instantly as the doubt and the fear started to rise up within him, he heard a small, small voice from within him say, “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  He began saying this verse over and over.  He prayed out loud against complications, death, side effects all the while, doubt was still swirling around his thoughts.  He could here Satan tell him time and time again, as they pushed her through the operating room doors to when the doctor came out to give them an update, “you might as well as forget it.  She is gone.  He’s not going to save her.  Get your support group together because you are going to need them.  He’s not helping you.”  He continually repeated Mark 11 verse 23.  “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”  His message was pointing out that God wants us to say it.  In that verse alone the word say is used three times as opposed to believe that is used only once.  He pointed out other places where God puts emphasis on how important our words are.  He pointed out the story of the Roman servant whose master had asked for healing for his servant in Luke 7:6-10.  The master did not want Jesus to come but to only speak the words of healing.  The Centurion knew the power of authority having many soldiers under him and by being one under authority himself.  He knew the power of simply saying a word to get things to come or to go.   He had faith in the spoken words of Jesus.  Luke 6:45 …for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.  I don’t believe that pastor George was saying that it is more important for us to simply say than it is to believe.  But he was guiding us to how important our spoken words are.  I wouldn’t call him a say it, claim it preacher or myself a say it, claim it believer, but I can definitely find truth in the importance of speaking.  God knows how are mind works.  He knows that we are human.  We like to go into panic mode, start doubting, stop believing and he knows that satan is there to ensure that our minds get more tangled up in ourselves and lies instead of wrapped around the truth—that GOD IS GOOD.  (by the way—his daughter made it through without a single complicationJ) 

Then Sunday, when going to watch Lance’s three children be baptized along with Harley Joe, Pastor John spoke of the power in the name of Jesus.

             I took these messages, much like I try to take every message and apply them to my life.  I so desperately want to have another baby.  I have seen stories and photos the past few days of birthday parties, family vacations and baby play-dates.  I have wrestled with hearing those doubts…”He will never bless you with another child.  You couldn’t care for the one you were given.  You placed too much emphasis on working than you did on being a mommy.  If he does give you another one, you won’t be able to live out the plan that you have and if you do then you will be so broke that you would never even be able to take those vacations.  Your baby should have been there but you messed up.”  I believe in the goodness of God yet these thoughts come streaming through my mind.  So I tried to quiet them.  I placed my hope in His promise and I repeated, “I am pregnant.  He does want good things for me.  I am blessed and He will continue to bless me because this is His promise.”  I repeated this over and over, thinking of the faith of that tiny mustard seed and saying it out loud.  The significance of that verse is not the amount of our faith—that we have a little or that we have a lot--but that the mustard seed being tiny is able to overcome a “mountain” in comparison to its size.  Seeds planted have to push up through obstacles, like the dirt that’s on top of the seed. Your seed of faith must go through things if it is going to mature. 

So this was my weekend and the beginning of my week.  I was fighting back the coveting and the jealousy and speaking the word of God.  I was speaking for things to be.  I was speaking so that satan would not win.  Then last night, a resounding “NO” screamed through our home.  Yet another confirmation that we are not pregnant and this time three days before schedule.  It was a slap in the face.  To know that we are pregnant just feels like it would make things easier.  Angry, I cried out to God once again.  “Why?  Where are you?  Why aren’t you blessing us?  Why have you forgotten me?  Why have you forsaken me?”---my weak flesh caving in.  My spirit being broken.  The bitterness rising up within me.  I wept in my bed, as my husband sat next to me torn between leaving for work or staying with his broken wife.  I cried out to God, desperate for Him to restore me but feeling like I was forgotten.  I cried myself to sleep. 

I know that His timing is perfect. 

…“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid…”

This is my prayer for today.

 I am taking some time away from facebook updates so that I can center back on Christ and find that strength to face these challenges.  This trial that He has brought me into will not be won by satan.  For I believe the God of the Bible and I believe in His promises....

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

Control....what was that again?

7/21/11
Lance and I have been “making babies” (a term we picked up from our counselor since the term “trying” implies to fail) over the past couple of months.  We have yet to actually “make” a baby.  Over the past couple of weeks, I began getting discouraged--wondering if this is really what God wants for us.  Were we meant to have more?  Was Gideon the only baby that I would have?  Aren't I deserving?  Is it too soon?  What are the plans that he holds for us?  Was a baby in our near future?  And then really, how near is nine months when I want a baby now?  Every failed test was just one more month plus nine more months of waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.  The wait was enjoyable before.  But now I just want a bundle of joy to wrap my arms around, snuggle and never let go of.  I would think that with all of this waiting, I would be reminded that I am not in control.  I would think that I would be able to look at my close friends—some who have waited for more than a year for God to give them a baby only to find a negative test or a monthly visit from an aunt by the name of flow, and see that God is in control.  But it took a study over the 3rd day of Genesis and an application summary from a friend for the comfort to come.
11 Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds.
--The image was given of a single plant, a single tree, a single blade of grass that had been created by God that reproduced and multiplied.  The blanket of vegetation spread from one end of the earth to the other--and all of this in one day.
Our pastor’s daughter recently came back from a mission’s trip to Peru.  She had been gone for a while and during her last three months she decided that she was going to start a church plant in one of the villages.  A leader and friend that was there with her asked what exactly she was trying to do.  She explained it to him.  He gave the response that it wasn’t going to work.  She wouldn’t have enough time.  She tells that she allowed him to influence her.  In response to his comment, she told him that he was probably right and that she did really need to be there a year to get a church going.  Yet, she still went on with her church plant.  She has been back in the states for a few weeks and she reports that the church plant is still going and that they are still a gathering body of Christ—glory to God.  She told of how she was allowing someone to influence her and how she put God in a box.  She should have told him that God can do anything in any timing that he feels fit.  It’s not our determinant of how long something will take.
How true of so many of us that we try to put God in a box.  I think that term applies in many ways.  First, God has walls and he can only go so far and second, I put him there for safe keeping and get him out when I need him.  How inaccurate are both of those statements.  God has no limit and I should always need him.
This brings me back to my control.  Recently, I read an article on the Resurgence over control or the lack thereof (I think God has been trying to get this to me—thank God that Brittne spoke up and gave her testimony).  The article spoke about how we try so intensely to be in control, yet we really don’t have anything under control.  We didn’t control who are parents were, what our kids will look like, where we were born, when we were born, how many brothers or sisters we would have.  We can plan for today, plan for tomorrow but ultimately God is in control.  I can plan to be at work on time but if there is a wreck then I may be late.  I have no control.  I knew this yet somehow I wasn’t letting my spirit live this.  I go back to my opening statement about Lance and I making babies—how foolish of me.  God makes the babies.  If we haven’t gotten pregnant yet, it’s because God hasn’t given us a baby yet.  It’s not because we were unsuccessful but because we are incapable.  I laugh at the arrogance.  If we have a girl instead of a boy, it’s not because of technique but because God gave us a girl.   His timing is perfect and if he wants us to wait then we can only wait.  And we must be patient waiters.
“Patience is understanding the settled reality that we are not in control. We are at peace with the fact that life is run by someone else. When we are patient we are paddling downstream, letting the force of life guide us along, knowing we can steer, but not turn upstream. Impatience is turning the boat, rowing hard against the current; we still move downstream, but with incredible exhaustion.
We want more control than we have. But God wants patience to permeate our inner being. Why? Not just because life and its trials will require patience, but we need to reconcile our souls to our lack of control, trusting that God is good. If God is good and he is in control, then we can trust the satisfaction or obstruction of our will is the good design of a loving and gracious Father.

And that is worth the wait.”—Dave Dorr

And this was what I was feeling—complete exhaustion, run-down, tired and becoming bitter because I was navigating my boat but wasn’t getting anywhere.  Yet, all the while he was planting his fruit of patience.

I am in control of my life—really a hilarious statement if you stop to think about it.

 

my favorite bundle of joy...