Sealed... 9/10/13

September 10, 2013

I have an interview set up for tomorrow evening at 6.  I am incredibly excited and nervous.  It has been years since I have had to interview--probably since 2007 or so.  My clinical rotation with Dr. Wade was my interview.  He extended me a job offer and contract on my last day of clinical so I have never had to do a face to face, tell me your weaknesses, your strengths kind of interview as a PNP.  I was spoiled and somewhat blessed in this matter.  I have always gotten every position that I have ever interviewed for.  I was blessed by God alone.  What type of questions would he ask me?  Will I have to recite the immunization schedule verbatim?  List reasons why I would not immunize? Work out a case study?  Eek!!  What are my strengths?  What are my weaknesses?  Yikes!!  

Verse of the Day: 

Ephesians 1:13-14

In him you also, when you heard the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.  

I read a story while reading some commentary on these verses.  It was of an elderly lady who was making her final arrangements as she knew the end was nearing.  The pastor had came and she discussed, music, flowers, belongings.  She made it known that she wanted to be buried with her Bible and then as the pastor was about to leave, she remembered there was one last thing.  She wanted to buried with a fork in her right hand.  The pastor was baffled.  He couldn’t imagine why a fork.  She explained that at church function meals, her favorite part was when the people who were clearing the tables told her that she could go ahead and keep her fork.  She knew what this meant.  There was more to come.  Something better was on the way.  It wasn’t going to be jello but cake or pie was going to be handed out.  So she wanted to be buried with that fork because she knew there was something better to come and that fork symbolized that for her.  

The Holy Spirit is our promise.  It’s our fork, so to speak.  The Holy Spirit is our seal, our guarantee that we will one day inherit the Kingdom of Heaven and that we are now in Christ.  The meal is good but Lord almighty, the dessert is worth the wait.  Jesus is worth the wait.  The Kingdom is coming.  I know that I will now look at keeping my fork in a whole new light, so I wanted to share and I hope you too will smile when told that you can keep your fork--I will probably giggle some;-)  

God is so good to give us that promise, to place in us a stake, a place holder that reminds and reassures us of things to come and what we have.  Bless the name of Jesus.  He is worthy of our praise.  

if this doesn't make you laugh, you should probably call a code....

Update:  So, I talked to a physician recruiter whose group manages the urgent care/ER to which I was referring that is in Tulsa.  It sounds like a definite viable option as far as pay and benefits but there are still a lot of unknowns--hours, scope, credentialing and I have yet to speak with the actual director of the ER.  There are options but God has a plan.  I am praying for a good interview tomorrow evening and that God will continue to guide my steps. I know he has so far.  

Forsake me not...9/9/13

September 9, 2013

Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!

In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me!

Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.

For you, O Lord, are my hope,
    my trust, O Lord, from my youth.

Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
    you are he who took me from my mother's womb.
My praise is continually of you.

I have been as a portent to many,
    but you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,
    and with your glory all the day.

Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
    forsake me not when my strength is spent.

For my enemies speak concerning me;
    those who watch for my life consult together

and say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue and seize him,
    for there is none to deliver him.”

As I begin my fast from facebook and instagram, I decided it would be best to journal my journey through this 21 days.  The fast was to begin last night but after looking at both social media outlets early yesterday morning, I decided it best to just go ahead and start on our way to church.  Last night, as I was reading my Bible verse of the day on my Bible app, I decided that journaling the verse of the day accompanied by how I can apply that to my life would be most beneficial in leaning on God more and more.  If along the way, I read something else or learn something else, I will also try to journal this!  So you may get an ear full everyday!  Again, we are fasting to align our will with God’s to ensure that our plans and pursuits are in line with His.  Happy reading!

As I began day two, I was encouraged.  I find pieces of my life coming together.  I am beginning to see the wolves in sheep’s clothing. I am seeing doors open, doors close that need to be and God fulfilling His promise to me.  He will never forsake me.  During the past week I have had a combination of job possibilities that have ranged from 2 days a week, totaling 12 hours total to a full work week plus possible overtime in the comforts (confines??) of my own clinic.  Although 12 hours a week divided between two evening shifts does seem ideal, I am not certain that this position will have longevity.  I would be filling in for an urgent care that is not pediatric specific but will only be seeing the peds patients.  There is a possibility that if someone were to come along that had family credentialing then I could see myself without a job.  The hopes of being in my own clinic sounds amazing.  But then I think of all of the stress and commitment that is associated with that and I almost puke!  When I first started out as a nursing student, this was of course my goal but as you all know, my goal had changed significantly.  There is also a possibility of a full-time urgent care position at one of the local hospitals that would consist of 12 hour shifts three days a week.   

I feel God leading me to a clinic in Tulsa but I have yet to meet with this doctor in person and really discuss the specifics.  The previous PNP was working three 12 hour shifts with no weekends.  She would work 9-9 with her daytime hours in the clinic and from what I understand, her after 4 hours in the urgent care.  I know that 12 hour shifts may seem ridiculous to you but I would love to be home 4 full days and only work 3.  Gabe is not in school, there are no sports to work around so for me to work 12’s for awhile would be more ideal for us.  The doctor of the clinic was Gideon’s doctor at St. John Owasso when he was born.  He let me know about the opening of his new clinic and gave me a flier in case I was interested in coming to work there.  I, of course at the time, was entering into a new contract of three years--so I wasn’t going anywhere.  But it was exciting to have someone show interest when I wasn’t even looking!  I remember Kirsten, the NNP who cared for Gideon (and later Gabe,) telling me how great Dr. Henley was and that he may be looking for someone.  But I was taken.  I’ve been taken.  Until now.  

I received a message at work last Thursday from the PNP at the clinic with a simple name, number, office location and to call or text back.  I assumed/hoped that since it said I could text that this was not patient related!  I text back and waited in anticipation.  Sure enough, she replied back in search of a PNP.  She had been given my name through a friend.  After about a year of working at the clinic and many trips back and forth to Africa, she was leaving to go to Africa permanently and she was looking for someone to take her place.  Even better, she had been working 12 hour shifts three days a week.  I had been searching for this type of position.  I was giddy to say the least.  Thankful to God for sure.  I excitedly emailed the doctor.  It was difficult to not use my exclamations, my smiley faces.  I had to keep it professional.  I waited all evening....checking my email almost hourly and again as soon as I woke.  lance and I prayed over it, praying for God’s will.  I checked my email again just before heading off to work.  My body just worn down from the trip back and forth, longing for closeness to home.  But there was nothing.  No reply.  Unease began to swell within me.  Maybe he didn’t like my resume.  Did he even get it?  How could I have stood out more?  Friday morning I had to sign my panel away at work.  Instantly I felt a little of “what are you doing?...are you crazy?...you do not have a job?...you are making a mistake.”  But then like the calming Sprit He is, I heard soft, stern and clear, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.”  I heard Him loud and clear.  I will not look back, Lord.  It is your will I am seeking.  You will not forsake me.  I will keep my eyes on you.  I checked my email after texting Lance and in my inbox was a thank you email from the doctor, wanting to meet me as soon as possible.  God is gracious.  God is good.  

Psalm 71:8 was the verse for today but simply leading with that verse doesn’t tell us the whole story.  It is easy to praise Him when all is well but we must be able to see His splendor, His glory, His goodness when all is not well.  Here we see David worn, tired, his strength fading.  He cries out to God to not forsake him in his hour of need.  He speaks that God has never forsaken him and he won’t start now.  David has had trial, he has had hardship but he will praise the name of the Lord.  He will return to Him.  

I am by no means David but i do feel my strength fading, my spirit tiring but the Lord can save me. He will never forsake me.  He will bring me through to the other side.  I thank Him for this calm that He has given me and these plans that He continues to bless me with.  Although this Peds clinic may not be where I land I think God gives me these plans to help keep me afloat.  It is through Him that all good things come.  I will praise Him for these things.  

Who wouldn't want to spend more time with this sweet baby???

Fasting for the Lord...

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways. 

“For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?”  

“Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?”  

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. --Romans 11:33-36

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. --Romans 12:1-2

We are having a corporate fast coming up in September for 21 days at the Church.  I have been rolling over what it is I am to fast for the past month.  I have still yet to decide.  I definitely do not want to take the easy road but want to give up something that not only will make me rely more on God for his strength to make it through but also something that when I am craving the omitted item, I turn to God and the Bible for more time with Him.  

As you all know, I am quitting my job and I have nothing concrete lined up.  There have been options placed in front of me but no contracts signed, no “you start the first.”  No, I gave my notice in full faith that God would get me closer to home and give me more time with Gabe and Lance.  I gave my notice so that I can be more of the mom God desires me to be.  As my contract was coming to an end and due for renewal, I had to make a decision and I knew God was calling me to leave.  This calling has been screaming for a long time but I have refused to place my complete dependence on Him and his provision.  

I feel this fast is in perfect timing (His timing is always perfect, right?).  The fast begins on September 8th and ends September 28th.  My last day of employment is September 30th.  I know these last few weeks of employment will be extremely difficult as doubt plagues my brain.  I will begin to waiver and reach for the quick answer, the option that offers simply a paycheck and security but not the answer that God is wanting me to wait for.  I will not fast for God to give me what I want as in a way to control Him--I sacrifice for You, You give me x amount of money so I never have to work again.  No, I fast so that my will will align with His will.  I want to strengthen my relationship with Him.  I want to make sure that my plans and pursuits are led by Him.  I fast so that I will rely on His strength, His provision, His security.  I fast because I need Him.  He wants me to need Him.  He wants to teach me to need Him more.  

Will you join the Hamm family as we enter into this fast together, praying for God’s guidance and our dependence on Him?  We love you guys and we are so honored that you take the time to read our story.  As in our trials with Gideon, we could use those prayers again for God’s sovereignty and provision.  We need Jesus.  We are desperate for Jesus.  We want to need Him more.  

In my distress I called to the Lord;
    I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
    my cry came before him, into his ears. --Psalm 18:6

Feel my distress, Jesus.  Hear my cry. 

You can do all things...

Testimony comes in those times when the odds were against you.  Rarely do you hear the testament of how the routine giver routinely gave and yep, this month he was able to pay his bills again and have money left over like he did last month and the month before and the month before that.  No, testimony generally comes from that giver who had his car break down, the fridge go out and an unexpected co-pay and prescription to fill yet he still tithed although he didn't know how he was going to pay to have that new fuel line put in.  But God's provision was given to him and an unexpected check came in the mail or turns out, the fuel line wasn't out, he just happened to have some bad gasoline.  Miracles, that's what we want to brag on Jesus about.  That's what we want to hear about.  I remember profoundly with Gideon, praying for that miracle.  We prayed for him to beat all odds.  I even said, "what a wonderful testimony it would be to tell of our son who was perfectly healed in the name of Jesus on this side of Heaven."  The doctors didn't have a good prognosis and I, like so many other mothers standing in my place before me, wanted God to prove them wrong.  I wanted my testimony.  I wanted it my way.  I wanted our  son.  But God being all sovereign, leading us down his path and not our own, gave us another testimony.  Is it that my son died?  Of course not.  My testimony remains that although our son passed away, although we didn't get what we wanted, although my husband fasted and saw no tangible results, our hearts still belong to Jesus.  Our testimony remains that satan has no hold on us.  Our testimony remains that hell has no power.  Jesus is our source.  Jesus is our salvation.  And for us that salvation brings us many things even this side of heaven--saved from depression, from hate, from a deep pit of self-loathing.  Jesus is the only way that we have survived.  Our faith in him, his grace to us--that is all.    

Today, as I was journaling--journaling to Jesus, I was encouraged and I wanted to share this encouragement with you.  As I am patiently waiting on God, which at times is honestly not the calmest of spirit, I will remember that I have been obedient.  I must wait for Him.  I will remember that God is in control.  God loves me.  God loves my little family.  And although things may not always go as I had planned or as I want, in time or action, He is in control, has my best interest at heart and His plans will only make me stronger in Him--which is the only thing that matters anyway.  Be encouraged by Job.  Even though God allowed a lot of harm to come his way, his relationship in Christ was only refined by the fire.      

Then Job replied to the Lord:

“I know that you can do all things;    

no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me to know.

“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;

I will question you,    

and you shall answer me.’

My ears had heard of you   

 but now my eyes have seen you.

Therefore I despise myself    

and repent in dust and ashes.” --Job 42:1-6

Our original little monkey in utero;-)

...an empty grave

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. --John 12:24

I have mentioned before but it bears repeating that before losing Gideon, life made sense.  There was no alternative track.  We were not looking to make changes.  Lance was an investigator.  He had actually given up the opportunity to be a Marshal so that we could stay planted in Oklahoma and begin our family.  He had made it through the interview, made it through the testing and made it through the physical but he walked away from it all to keep our babies in a tight knit family.  He gave up one dream in honor of a more noble one.  I had reached my personal goal as a nurse and was going into my second year as a nurse practitioner.  We had our home, our jobs, our baby, church, Jesus, our family and our church family.  We weren't unchurched.  We weren't on the fence in our relationship with Christ.  We were saved, Jesus loving people who loved others and who were raising our child the best way we knew how.  So, when we lost Gideon a huge hitch in our step reared its face.  Our trusting and faith in the Lord has never wavered but our identity had been shaken.  Who were we if not a policeman?  If not a Nurse Practitioner?  If not a mother?  A father?  So, this has been our quest; trying to identify who we have become after losing so much.  We knew how much time we missed out on with Gideon due to driving back and forth to Muskogee everyday from Broken Arrow.  I knew how much I missed by not being a stay-at-home mom.  I was thankful that I had so much maternity time and then a winter storm thrown in there but still there were weeks when he was cared for more by someone else during his wake hours than he was by me.   We knew the plan for us set out in Genesis 1 and we knew that this was to be our goal.  The father fathers by working, by providing and the mother mothers by her nurturing and with her time.  (This was OUR plan, I am not condemning you if this is not your plan.)  We knew what God had outlined for us, we knew we wanted that too so during the past 2 years we have strived to get to that place.  But our choices getting to where we were when we were delivering Gideon have not proven to be helpful in getting us to where we need to be with Gabe.  Our actions have consequences.  Sin has a consequence.  Our consequences are not wiped away on this side of Heaven.
We bought a house closer to our jobs to help cut down on gas and went to a one car family.  We were miserable in that house.  We had great vision for it but no time to make it a reality.  With a newborn and a Muskogee crime filled summer, there wasn't much getting done.  It had charm and potential but we longed for the place where we had so many memories of our Gideon.  We longed for the house that Lance had poured so much time and sweat into.  We longed for our neighbors.  We wanted our home so we sold the "farmhouse" and all its land and proximity.  Blessed were we that we could sell it quick to our friends who were also blessed to be able to sell their own home and separate land before buying ours.  So then we rented an apartment in Muskogee.  We rented for many reasons.  But the one reason that outweighed all others was Gabe.  We both didn't want to waste one moment driving back and forth to BA from Muskogee.  We both wanted to see him at lunch.  I wanted to be able to feed him at lunch. So we did that until he turned one and then we came back to BA full-time.
So there we were, still praying for God's will.  Still praying for God's provision.  Still praying for His holy intervention.  There we were still trying to identify "who am I?"  I am a resident of BA, I am a wife, I am a husband, I am a mother/a father, I am a mother/a father of a child in Heaven, we are parents of another boy, I am a resident of Muskogee, no I'm a resident of BA again... so here we were back to where we had started.  We knew we belonged in BA (this after even considering a NP job in Texas that would have cut down on my time away considerably from home).  We knew we were to be parents and to fill the role that entails.  We knew Lance needed a new job.  He had known for a long time.  But when God is telling you that you need to go back to school for a medical degree and you have only known law enforcement and your post secondary school education consists of merely basics and criminal justice, that's a huge leap to take.  So, he was slow to tell me.  A fear I would laugh, a fear he would fail, a fear that it could break our marriage, since for the next several years, I would be the sole financial supporter (which is completely against what we believe a marriage should be).  It was scary for him to tell me.  But he finally did and we prayed.  We prayed some more and again, we prayed.  Because even though, we are wrestling with the "who am I" on the outside, we know that we are followers of Christ on the inside.  Although we may be struggling with how does our life in Christ look in our roles as husband and wife, mother and father, we know where our source comes from.  We knew not to make a decision without prayer, without listening, without waiting.  Lance already knew but he had to know that I was on board.  
So here we are.  Lance is enrolled full-time for the fall with classes filled with Chemistry, labs and such while nearing the completion of his first semester of summer school geared towards a nursing degree so that he could be a better father and provider.  We are both followers of Christ who continue to listen and act so that our life may be a reflection of Christ's love.  We both are Christians who want to live our lives in a biblical manner.   We are both Christians who want God's will.

John 12:24 has always meant to me that as a Christian we must die to our self.  However, I am currently reading "Healing Hearts" and the verse was listed at the end of Dr. Nikaidoh's story of his own loss of his son and in this God was able to show me another take on the verse.  Gideon was little.  He was never able to give his life to Christ but through his death, many seeds have been produced.  People have sought Jesus, parents have hugged their babies tighter, household dynamics have changed and in the Hamm home, we are seeing more of those seeds through Lance returning to school and reaching the seed of knowledge/light that was shown shortly after Gideon's death.  I will praise Him in all my failures.  I will praise Him in every storm for He is my strength.

Although there are days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore.  I want to waive my white flag, pack it up and head to the house.  Songs like this come along to remind me it is worth it....
"An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives" 

how can your Spirit not move?  He lives, people.  Life is worth living because Jesus lives.  His EMPTY grave proves his power, his love; it proves he LIVES.  

I pray your Spirit leaps from the truth of this song...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mse4-ts2Wao

Death, where is your sting?

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well. 

--Henry Scott Holland

On Thursday afternoon I went to a funeral of a man that was one of my charge nurses during my time at CMC.  This was my first funeral since the funeral of Gideon.  I was nervous to go it alone and even while making the hour plus drive to Sand Springs, I was contemplating turning around.  I wasn't sure how I would hold up.  But I was reminded that this funeral wasn't about me.  It was about Rick.  It was about his family.  None of us enjoy going to funerals, especially those who have endured their own personal loss of someone very close.  It stirs up memories and feelings.  That loss comes back like an old wound that has been ripped open and is now fresh with pain.  So I was going to go.  I was going to walk in and I was going to be a demonstration of a life their father had touched.  The ceremony was simple.  People stood up and spoke of memories and laughter.  Comfort was given to his two children and their children.  Words were shared among the group.  This poem was read by his ex-wife and thankfully, it was read during the first ten minutes.  It stuck with me through the entire funeral and gave me peace.

To the believer, death is a mere moment of separation.  Though these past two years without Gideon may seem like an eternity and to know that I may be blessed enough to endure 70 more without those bouncing blue eyes is painstaking, it is all but a blink of time in the grand scheme of things.  Too soon, I will be called up to Heaven to celebrate Jesus, to worship God along side our son.  This Easter weekend I am reminded of God's promise as we all should be.  Death has no power over the believer and Hell, no victory.  In the reading of the promise of Jesus' birth, in his death, burial and resurrection, my heart cannot help but be overfilled.  Overfilled with an immense love that He is my Savior, an immense sorrow that because of my sin, He had to die and not just die but die a brutal death that man cannot even fathom and an immense awe that He rose--that he conquered death and Hell could not hold Him down.  And through this, not only will I now be able to see my son again in perfect healing because I am saved but I will also get to bow down and worship the one true God.  I cry out to you, Lord.  I glorify you, Lord.  I thank you, Lord, that this is a mere interval and that my son is merely in another room for a short time.  I love you, Lord.

Good work

Dr. Coldwell and I at my wedding:-)

My phone had been on the fritz since my running episode.  Unable to use the very bottom of my touch screen, I was unable to access my keypad, voicemail or missed calls.  So when I got a new phone there were a few voicemails waiting on me.  The majority were out of state and were staffing agencies and calls regarding a trip I had won to the Bahamas but there was one from a local unknown number.  I listened and much to my surprise and excitement it was a call from a woman that I worked with at CMC.  They were planning a retirement party for one of the doctors/CMC reunion party.  I was and still am ecstatic!!

I began my journey at CMC upon returning from New Jersey when I was 22 years old.  I had just started my second semester of nursing school and had planned on being a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner so I knew that I wanted to work with children and I applied at all of the hospitals.  I remember my interview.  I had worked since I was 15 years old so I wasn’t new to the interview process.  But all of my other jobs had been in fast food, banks, sales and my most recent—a CNA on an adult med/surg unit so this one was different.  This was the starting of my life journey in my career field.  This was what I had been planning on going into since a senior in high school.  During the interview I told the manager about being in nursing school and wanting to be a NNP.  She explained that CMC was different—boy was it ever.   CMC was a long term rehab facility for children with special needs.  We were much like a hospital within a hospital.  (Some of you may remember the old CMC off of Skelly—I was not able to work there but from what I am told it was even better than the unit I did get to be a part of.)  We had two physicians who admitted patients.  Although I respected both, I grew a great affinity for Dr. Coldwell.  A thin, older man in his 70’s with a soft voice who walked with a slight lean forward.  At first glance, he may have appeared “too old”, “too frail”, and even to some “too quiet” to be a doctor.  At first glance, he probably didn’t come across as the man who still ran a mile a day or the man who is probably the most brilliant person I know.  But his love for these children shined through in all that he did.  His knowledge ran over.  Often times, even now, I found myself mentally taking notes as he talked over my IQ level—not purposefully but he treated us nurses and even nurse aides as equals.  I still remember seeing his pure love shine through in the simplest manner as I was walking through the hall of CMC.  We had received a visit from a previous patient whose foster mom had come back to say hello.  As I approached the elevator, my heart melted as I watched this thin man pick up this little boy who was maybe three at the time and at least thirty pounds.  He lifted him up so the child could push the button to call the elevator—a simple joy all children love.  The smile on the child’s face as well as Dr. Coldwell’s was unforgettable.  That simple act of kindness and love still fills my good CMC memory box today. 

I stayed at CMC for five years—my longest employment at any one place although I did have a very short leaving.  When I was in my final semester of nursing school, I took an externship in the neonatal intensive care unit because after all, I wanted to be a NNP.  I despised the NICU.  I didn’t enjoy the routine at all.  Vitals, diaper change, feed, chart and repeat every 3 hours.  Sure, there was more excitement at a delivery, when taking in a new patient but there was little patient/nurse interaction.  I felt like I nursed the machines—constantly watching monitors, tubes and IV lines.  I missed the interaction with my CMC patients.  They had so much personality.   I’m not saying that these babies didn’t but I didn’t get to interact with them as much as I did my CMC patients.  A lot of our CMC patients didn’t have family that visited and we were their family.  So we had fun like families do.  We would dance and sing, play games, have movie nights, go out to watch fireworks, and take trips to the water sprinkler.  The children were wild and unruly at times but they were such a joy to care for.  Every day was something new and exciting.  (Side note—we did do our CNA and nurse duties also!!  but I feel like we did a better job at taking care of the whole patient by making things fun and truly interacting with them.  Consider that we had patients who were there for years because their care was too complicated to send to a foster home or because no one had taken them home yet.)  It was at CMC that I formed some of my best friendships as well.  The majority of women that I worked with, I still talk to this very day.  I cannot say that about any other job or even so much for high school either.    

After 5 years of working there, we had gone through a lot of changes.  I had transitioned from CNA to Registered Nurse.  But the unit was changing.  There was a strong push to get our patients into homes and out of the hospital—an understandable desire but not always the best option.  Our unit was going to mandatory 12 hour shifts.  This didn’t affect me as much as it did some of the women who had worked 8 hour shifts for years and whose care for their children revolved around being off at 3:30 every day.  Our manager had left and now our unit was being run by someone who had no idea what we were even about.  And then finally, our unit was being closed for “cleaning” and we were being moved up to the general pediatric floor.  We were told that this would just be temporary but we all knew this was just another step in phasing out the CMC unit and patient intake.  I was young and unhappy.  I didn’t like the tone that the unit had taken on.  I didn’t like the politics of management and I didn’t want to be a part of that team anymore.  We had already lost 5 of the other women I called friends and I felt like it was my time to go as well. 

Since leaving, the unit has completely closed.  After the nurse manager deciding who the doctor can admit, a flurry of floating the nurses to other units and a complete disrespect for the orders the doctors wrote for, the patient load dwindled to nothing.  The hospital stated in a press release that CMC would be closing due to the lack of need but we all know that it was due to money.  Long term care for pediatric patients doesn’t pay like the NICU.    It’s painful to think that there is no longer a CMC.  We have often joked and thrown the idea around that we need to just open another CMC.  A center with physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy all in one location.  A center where tube feedings and medication schedules can be established or modified.  A holistic center that cares for the children that are truly left behind.  (We saw children from birth to 21 who had issues varying from sickle cell anemia, prader willi, shaken baby, head trauma, seizures, PKU, MVA’s, drug withdrawal newborns, near drowning, autism and more complicated genetic metabolic issues.)

I think my time at CMC was all part of God’s plan.  My desire to be a NNP got me into nursing school and on the search for a job in a hospital with children.  But through my time there, God revealed a passion for children who needed extra care throughout their lifespan.  He revealed a passion for those who had often been rescued through life saving techniques only to be left behind.  CMC changed and molded me into a nurse who cares deeply for these children with chronic health issues and even more for those children who have no family to go back to.  I will forever be thankful to God, to CMC, to my manager for hiring me, to all of the wonderful women I worked with, to the children I cared for and to my mentor, Dr. James Coldwell.  A future CMC or even just an outpatient clinic to provide primary care services may be in our plans—only God knows how He will use this experience.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Two of my favorite CMC ladies at my wedding @naomimaliske and @Genamaute