...an empty grave

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. --John 12:24

I have mentioned before but it bears repeating that before losing Gideon, life made sense.  There was no alternative track.  We were not looking to make changes.  Lance was an investigator.  He had actually given up the opportunity to be a Marshal so that we could stay planted in Oklahoma and begin our family.  He had made it through the interview, made it through the testing and made it through the physical but he walked away from it all to keep our babies in a tight knit family.  He gave up one dream in honor of a more noble one.  I had reached my personal goal as a nurse and was going into my second year as a nurse practitioner.  We had our home, our jobs, our baby, church, Jesus, our family and our church family.  We weren't unchurched.  We weren't on the fence in our relationship with Christ.  We were saved, Jesus loving people who loved others and who were raising our child the best way we knew how.  So, when we lost Gideon a huge hitch in our step reared its face.  Our trusting and faith in the Lord has never wavered but our identity had been shaken.  Who were we if not a policeman?  If not a Nurse Practitioner?  If not a mother?  A father?  So, this has been our quest; trying to identify who we have become after losing so much.  We knew how much time we missed out on with Gideon due to driving back and forth to Muskogee everyday from Broken Arrow.  I knew how much I missed by not being a stay-at-home mom.  I was thankful that I had so much maternity time and then a winter storm thrown in there but still there were weeks when he was cared for more by someone else during his wake hours than he was by me.   We knew the plan for us set out in Genesis 1 and we knew that this was to be our goal.  The father fathers by working, by providing and the mother mothers by her nurturing and with her time.  (This was OUR plan, I am not condemning you if this is not your plan.)  We knew what God had outlined for us, we knew we wanted that too so during the past 2 years we have strived to get to that place.  But our choices getting to where we were when we were delivering Gideon have not proven to be helpful in getting us to where we need to be with Gabe.  Our actions have consequences.  Sin has a consequence.  Our consequences are not wiped away on this side of Heaven.
We bought a house closer to our jobs to help cut down on gas and went to a one car family.  We were miserable in that house.  We had great vision for it but no time to make it a reality.  With a newborn and a Muskogee crime filled summer, there wasn't much getting done.  It had charm and potential but we longed for the place where we had so many memories of our Gideon.  We longed for the house that Lance had poured so much time and sweat into.  We longed for our neighbors.  We wanted our home so we sold the "farmhouse" and all its land and proximity.  Blessed were we that we could sell it quick to our friends who were also blessed to be able to sell their own home and separate land before buying ours.  So then we rented an apartment in Muskogee.  We rented for many reasons.  But the one reason that outweighed all others was Gabe.  We both didn't want to waste one moment driving back and forth to BA from Muskogee.  We both wanted to see him at lunch.  I wanted to be able to feed him at lunch. So we did that until he turned one and then we came back to BA full-time.
So there we were, still praying for God's will.  Still praying for God's provision.  Still praying for His holy intervention.  There we were still trying to identify "who am I?"  I am a resident of BA, I am a wife, I am a husband, I am a mother/a father, I am a mother/a father of a child in Heaven, we are parents of another boy, I am a resident of Muskogee, no I'm a resident of BA again... so here we were back to where we had started.  We knew we belonged in BA (this after even considering a NP job in Texas that would have cut down on my time away considerably from home).  We knew we were to be parents and to fill the role that entails.  We knew Lance needed a new job.  He had known for a long time.  But when God is telling you that you need to go back to school for a medical degree and you have only known law enforcement and your post secondary school education consists of merely basics and criminal justice, that's a huge leap to take.  So, he was slow to tell me.  A fear I would laugh, a fear he would fail, a fear that it could break our marriage, since for the next several years, I would be the sole financial supporter (which is completely against what we believe a marriage should be).  It was scary for him to tell me.  But he finally did and we prayed.  We prayed some more and again, we prayed.  Because even though, we are wrestling with the "who am I" on the outside, we know that we are followers of Christ on the inside.  Although we may be struggling with how does our life in Christ look in our roles as husband and wife, mother and father, we know where our source comes from.  We knew not to make a decision without prayer, without listening, without waiting.  Lance already knew but he had to know that I was on board.  
So here we are.  Lance is enrolled full-time for the fall with classes filled with Chemistry, labs and such while nearing the completion of his first semester of summer school geared towards a nursing degree so that he could be a better father and provider.  We are both followers of Christ who continue to listen and act so that our life may be a reflection of Christ's love.  We both are Christians who want to live our lives in a biblical manner.   We are both Christians who want God's will.

John 12:24 has always meant to me that as a Christian we must die to our self.  However, I am currently reading "Healing Hearts" and the verse was listed at the end of Dr. Nikaidoh's story of his own loss of his son and in this God was able to show me another take on the verse.  Gideon was little.  He was never able to give his life to Christ but through his death, many seeds have been produced.  People have sought Jesus, parents have hugged their babies tighter, household dynamics have changed and in the Hamm home, we are seeing more of those seeds through Lance returning to school and reaching the seed of knowledge/light that was shown shortly after Gideon's death.  I will praise Him in all my failures.  I will praise Him in every storm for He is my strength.

Although there are days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore.  I want to waive my white flag, pack it up and head to the house.  Songs like this come along to remind me it is worth it....
"An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives" 

how can your Spirit not move?  He lives, people.  Life is worth living because Jesus lives.  His EMPTY grave proves his power, his love; it proves he LIVES.  

I pray your Spirit leaps from the truth of this song...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mse4-ts2Wao