Happy, happy birthday..

December 8, 2011

"You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is just in all his ways, merciful in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them."

In preparing for today, we were quite unsure of what we should do.  It has been nine months since we lost our sweet boy.  Should we have a birthday party?  Bring out his special birthday plate and cup that Tonya gave us for a baby shower gift?  Light a candle atop a cupcake?  Sing happy birthday to the sky?  It seemed a bit dramatic and over the top…  Should we meet at his grave for a family gathering and remembrance?  His headstone wouldn’t be set and his name marker had already been removed so we would simply be staring at a mound of dirt covered in sparse grass with toys that had been brought atop it or staring at one another.  What would we do once we were there?  Say something about him?  Cry together?  Sing happy birthday there?  Possibly, we should have a family dinner out somewhere?  Again, I think it was too soon for that. 

So, as we grew closer and closer to today, I was undecided how the day would be celebrated and handled.  I wasn’t sure how it would unfold but I knew that it would be difficult so I went ahead and requested the day off.  My mom and a few of my friends had taken off as well for their own mourning and remembrance but also to be there for me in case I needed someone.  Lance had taken the day off as well so he could spend that time with me.  I am truly blessed with a loving and supportive husband, family and close group of friends.  I also knew that there were many people lifting us up in prayer so that would be able to encounter this day with the strength of Jesus.  I decided last night that I would spend the day with Lance doing things that we needed to do, staying busy, remembering Gideon, and thanking God for both of our sons, going to see the finished headstone that by God’s sovereignty came in yesterday and by going to visit the resting place of our infant’s flesh and bones.  Yep, I knew it would be hard.

I spent last night remembering the days before giving birth.  I remember calling Lance at 430 in the morning to let him know that I was having contractions.  They were nowhere near regular but they were there.  He had worked an 8 hour shift at the port after his 8 hour shift at work—just another way that he thanks God for provision in providing work that he is able to do.  One thing I love about my husband is that he doesn’t pray for wealth or riches to simply be handed to him or “to fall in his lap”, he prays for God to provide work.  And God is faithful.  Lance knew that we would be off work for 6 weeks.  He had vacation and comp time to cover his entire length of maternity leave but I only had a couple of weeks and an AFLAC plan that wouldn’t make up the entire amount that I would be missing out so he worked hard those months leading up to our delivery so we would have our finances in order and wouldn’t stress about money while we were enjoying our newborn and time off together.  I remember spending that day together--him rubbing my back, helping me through the contractions, talking to Gideon through my belly in his Elmo voice and telling him to “hurry up and come out sucka”.  Yes, that is my husband.  He makes me smile.  My mom came over later in the evening so that she could be there to ride with us to the hospital in case we left through the night.  All night long, my contractions would get stronger and closer then weak and spread apart--12 minutes then 7 minutes then 19 minutes.  This went on for hours.  I kept on remembering the advice of my doctor—consistently 3-5 minutes apart for 1-2 hours then it’s time to go to the hospital.  I waited and waited and waited.  Then finally I decided that it was time to rest at about 2 in the morning.  This seemed to intensify the contractions.  They started to increase in intensity but were still sporadic.  At about 3:45, I decided it was time to call the doctor because I felt like it was going to happen soon!  As I was telling all that had happened, I had to pause to go through a contraction.  He told me to go ahead and head that way since we had a little bit of a drive.  The car had to be the trigger because as soon as we got moving around and all packed up and headed to the hospital, my contractions began to increase to every 3-4 minutes and were much stronger.  When I arrived at the hospital at 4:30, I was already 100% effaced and dilated to an 8—which means, this baby is coming soon!! 

Those memories danced through my head as I sat in Gideon’s room sobbing for him once more.  The nurses were so supportive—praising me for not being induced and going on and on about how rare it is to have someone come in when they are actually in labor.  I was pleased.  We had managed to wait it out at home and now we were going to have a baby.  The anesthesiologist came quickly and gave my epidural—which only required one stick and God was kind enough to not give me any contractions during that procedure.  Gideon was still high so the nurses had me do some finagling to help get him down.  The epidural made me a little nauseous but that quickly resolved and I was given some O2 to help ease my symptoms.    At approximately 10:00 AM, my OB came in and the pushing began.  The time seemed to fly.  Before I knew it, it was 10:24 AM and there was our tiny baby boy, finally on the outside.  Doctor Cook joked that he was too small and we needed to put him back for a little whileJ  But no, I could finally hold him in my arms.  I had waited for this moment for 40 weeks, loving every moment of being pregnant but excited to hold our little bundle close in my arms. 

I wept and wept as I sat in that chair last night remembering the birth of my first child and stared at his, what felt to be, empty room.  Piles of toys and clothes stacked from one end to the other across the floor.  A mountain of hospital “get well soon” cards, hand prints, baby clothes and any other miscellaneous small items that had only made it to his vanity because I wasn’t able to bring them all of the way in.  There was plenty of “stuff” in the room but there was no baby.  I stared at his empty crib and just thought about all of the nights and afternoons that I would just watch him sleep and the mornings when he would be so happy to see me and I would rescue him and scoop him up in my arms as we started out our day.  I longed to be able to rescue him again and hold him once more.

But there is nothing to rescue him from.  He has been perfectly rescued and healed and rests in the arms of our Heavenly Father who I know loves him far more than we do.  So today, we tried to remember that love as we ventured through the day.  There was a lot of crying, a lot of laughing and a lot of memories made.  We decided that we will celebrate Gideon’s birthday with Gabe in years to come and it will be a family tradition.  We will tell him stories throughout the year but especially on December 8^th of all of the lives his sweet brother touched and we will always remember our son and we will always tell our future children about their big brother who was a mighty warrior of God.

Though I am weak, You are strong

11-2-11

This pregnancy has been a different experience for Lance and me.  Although all of my symptoms have been the same, this pregnancy has been a completely different experience.  First, we were coming into this pregnancy after the loss of our son.  We had once held our precious boy in our arms and felt that love and connection but it had been ripped away from us and this time we knew that feeling as a couple whereas before we didn’t know what it was like to have a child together.  So this pregnancy was already different.  We both knew how much the little bundle that would soon be growing inside my belly would teach us and we were already anticipating having the sounds of baby, the smells of baby, the joy of baby fill our house. 

Second, we had to wait.  God did not just give us a new pregnancy on our first try like He did with Gideon.  No, this time we had to wait 6 months before we got a plus sign.  Again and again, we were reminded that our plan is not always the best plan, that what we wants isn’t always what God has in store for us.  And we had to realize that what God wants should be what we want.  His plan should be our plan and although it may “stink’, ultimately it is far better than what we would have in store for ourselves. 

Third, our first ultrasound experience was very different.  I read two weeks earlier than calculated so we just got more time stacked onto the due date.  The tech was rushed and we didn’t get to see the best images—partly also because it was so often.  And then we didn’t get any photos--again, completely different.

Now, here we are at 12 weeks with no real, tangible proof that I am pregnant, that God is molding a little being inside of me and still all the while missing our sweet son and wishing he were here to be the big brother.  I have been feeling the baby move low in my belly for the past week.  The movements are so light that Lance can’t feel all of the flutter so he is separated from the connection.  He was in need of getting to hear the heartbeat and honestly, so was I.  He asked on the way to the appointment, “So we will be able to hear the heartbeat today, right?”  “I really need to hear the heartbeat.  I need something.”  So when the doctor tried to pick up a beat with the Doppler and there was no success, our hearts sank.  He excused himself from the room.  I thought that he was going to get a different Doppler and try again.  During that time, the questions came…what do we do if he can’t find it?  Do we go for an ultrasound?  Then he came back with the laptop ultrasound machine.  We had to wait 15 minutes for it to warm up.  He left while it was warming and there was a lot of praying happening again in that room.  Pleading for movement, pleading for a heartbeat, pleading for a perfect God made baby developing inside of me.  He came back in, placed the wand on my stomach and instantly we were able to see our baby--his heart just fluttering away.  His arms and legs reaching for the sky as his butt bounced off the bottom of my trampoline uterus.  This was very reminiscent of Gideon during bathtime as we often had to pull him back into his little tub.  Lance was ecstatic.  The joy overflowed us both but it was truly touching to see the gift that God had given Lance.  He had gone in with the simple hope of hearing his child’s heart for the first time but God knew better what he needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  Isaiah 55:8

I know that many more things will probably be different and there will be more bumps along the road but it is important that we seek His plan not our own and remember…

…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose—Romans 8:28   Not that all things will be sunshine and roses but God makes all things good. :-)

What are you waiting for???

Yesterday I got word that someone who I am very close to and love very much was a having a rough time.  He was in desperate need of prayer.  About 8 months ago, he had given his life to the Lord and now he was being faced with some serious trials as a result of earlier circumstances.  Among other things, he was really wrestling with whether he was a good dad.  Three out of four of his girls from a previous marriage had recently decided that they wanted to move more than an hour away to live with their mom. He had put off for quite some time allowing this move to take place but he finally felt like he had no other choice but to let them go.  During their time there, their trips back here have been few and far between.  Their 3 year old sister repeatedly asks “where are my sisters” and “when will I see them.”  To which there is no good answer that she would understand.  For the past three years, she has lived a life that involved them every day and now they are gone.  He also has had to deal with questions from us, asking when they would return and when we will be able to see them.  Again, he has no answer.  And again he has his own worries.  What are they doing?  Are they safe?  Are they getting into trouble?  Are they doing well in school? (Not that their mother didn’t worry about the same things but these things are consequences of divorce and a topic for another post—this is to merely express the hardship and the trial that he was enduring and continues to endure.)  So not only is he having to absorb everyone’s questions and concerns but his own concerns and then he has to deal with his own loss, his own feelings of missing them and his own broken heart.   Well Friday, they were supposed to come back for the weekend but for some reason they didn’t.  He had been in a good mood, awaiting their arrival until he got the news.  It was then that he began to show his vulnerability and his weakness.  It was then that we, as a loving family, were able to see just how well he was doing.  It was then that we were able to see just how much he needed our love and prayer. 

So last night on my way home, I called Lance and asked him to be praying for him.  And as I got off the phone, I too began praying for him.  I knew that others were also praying.  I asked that God confirm in his heart, in whatever way he seemed fit, that he is a good father.  I asked for open eyes on behalf of his girls but more so that he will be given reassurance that he has done a good job and although mom’s house may be the fun place to be and it may keep them away during these teenage years, that he will know that he is loved and that he will always be their dad in the true meaning of the word.    

This afternoon there was a post on his wall from possibly his most rebelliously spirited daughter that read something along these lines:

dear dad.
i listen to a lot of country, christian music.
i'm at my friends house, &' i heard my little girl play on my phone.
it made me realize &' think real hard.
even though, i told you i hated you a million times.
deep down, i love you.
i'm a teenager going through my phases, thinking i'm better than anyone.
but i'm not.
i'm just as equal, as anybody else.
i've thought about everybody in Catoosa, but i've thought about little Gideon &' Tristany the most.
if Gideon were here, he'd want me to visit him as much as possible.
i realize, that i don't visit as often as i shoud.
i realize, that Tristany's only three &' doesn't understand why her sister is gone.
i realize, that Catoosa, gets a visit from me very, very, seldom.
but, i just wanted to say, that i think of you, &' Tristany, all the time.
i pray, that you guys are safe, everynight.
dad, i'm always going to be, your little girl. ♥

God is waiting for your prayers, for your honesty, for your humility in your brokenness.  What are you waiting for?

the ultimate misleader...

In recent months my encounters with atheists has been on the rise.  I haven’t had any face to face interaction (that I am aware of) but in social networking I have heard and seen more.   A few of the Christian pages that I like on Facebook have a few dedicated atheist followers.  It amazes me and sometimes enrages me that they find so much time to post an anti-God statement on so many posts or give false claims of the Bible and Jesus.  I have never responded because my wise pastor once told me that it does no good to argue.  Two nights ago I was reminded of this once again, while Lance and I were reading through Titus together.  Paul tells Titus, “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.”  To be divisive means to cause a disagreement or dissension ( a disagreement that brings about a lack of harmony between persons). 

Last night I was able to hold on to this even more.  As a side note and a telling of how God works throughout our lives here is a little insight—Sunday morning at church, we were given a lesson over Psalms 1:2-3. 

(blessed is the one)…. whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

The message was that we were to read God’s word and meditate on that daily.  When we do this we are made stronger in our spiritual relationship with God.  I was reminded that it is impossible to build a relationship with my own husband if I do not get to know him, if I do not spend time with him and the Bible is God’s way of teaching us His character and in this we build a true relationship.  Dwayne had pointed out that many times after his reading he would later in the day be faced with an application scenario of something that he had earlier read.  That’s the amazing thing about God’s word—it still applies today.  So this is where I was.  Lance was encountering his own revelation and meditation but it dealt with another part of Titus and that is his story to tell. 

So, back to last night—I had stumbled across a blog of a guy through a post of a friend.  I had seen that he had written a book and I was intrigued because I love a good read and even more so a good read from a “real” person that knows someone I know!  I got to looking around and realized that this guy was an atheist.  It did take me sometime and even when he spelled it out in his description I was still not a 100% convinced.  Surely, he was kidding.  He had been a Christian, a theology major.  Now he was an atheist?  As I read through his “about me” blurp over and over, I tried to wrap my head about it.  We talk about it all of the time at home group.  How can intelligent people who know the Bible, study the Bible and who have experienced the Holy Spirit deny God?  He spoke of his month long journey trying to live as a child with his daughter as the example so that he could know what God wanted of him.  This journey led him to the conclusion that his spiritual journey was grounded in fear and in exchange for that fear he finds faith IN HIMSELF, realizing HE is the answer to all his wanting.  (That “he” is not capitalized because it is referring to the big He of God but for emphasis that he finds faith and answer in his own being—the common thread of atheists whom believe that Christianity is merely a crutch to help bring peace, order and sense to our lives.)  My heart instantly broke.  I don’t know this guy but my heart aches for him.  He, during a time of trying to draw near to God, was attacked by Satan and was able to be deceived.  The Bible says that Satan falsifies truth and delights in deception.  His goal is to get us to stop following God.  It would appear that in the life of this young man, Satan has won. 

Satan is constantly working, trying to attack us and get us to leave Jesus.  Though many people who claim to be atheist would not claim to be Satan followers, they have still been deceived by Satan.  All throughout the Bible, we see that we are given two paths; the one that leads us to Heaven or the one that leads us to Hell.  We are either for or against God.  We either choose the wide and easy path that the world offers or we take the narrow and hard path that leads to Jesus.   That is, if you don’t take the road to Jesus then you take the road to Satan by default.  The world is of Satan.  The wide path is the worldly path. 

Christians are under attack more than the non-believer.  Why does Satan care to attack someone who already follows him?  He has already won them over?  We talked about this just weeks ago in home group when discussing a statistic that more Christians get divorced than non-believers.  Why would Satan want to break up a team that is already on his side but the Christian home—now that is powerful.  Two married Christians who raise children to be followers of Jesus, to love Jesus and to know Jesus-now that is intimidating.  We are seeing divorce and separation around us and it is heartbreaking.  We pray for our marriage and for the marriages of our friends.  We know that divorce leads to destruction so we pray against it.  I feel like we should pray more as a group as the incidence continues to increase.

I know that this was a ramble of a blog but it’s what I felt led to post today.  Today, God wanted me to write warning of the deception of Satan.  Today, God wanted to remind us that we must always keep our eyes on Jesus because Satan is waiting around every corner to try and keep us from the Kingdom of Heaven…

Application--it's the real deal....

Genesis 50:19-20 ..."Don't be afraid.  Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

The saving of many lives is what the Bible was all about.  An account was given so that we may know history, that we may know God and so that we would come to know Jesus and have relationship with him.  So many times throughout the Bible we see an evil act that God is able to turn for good and bring about change in people--not only change, but a change of the heart and a turning to God.  Tonight Lance and I are presenting Genesis 4--Cain and Abel.  And we are presenting it like we have heard it taught to us and how we can best relate.  Growing up I learned the story of Cain.  He was a terrible man.  He killed his brother.  I was taught that I shouldn't kill, especially not my brother!  But that's all that I really learned from all of those days in Sunday school.  But there is so much more to the story.  We see Eve putting her hope in her son, thinking this is the answer that the world needs.  She thinks this is Jesus.  We see Cain commit a grievous act which he remains un-repentive of for quite some time.  But then we see in the end of the chapter that people began to call on the name of the Lord.  This is what God wants.  He wants us to turn to Him, to call to him, to want to be in relationship with Him.  And this comes from the horrendous act that Cain committed. 

So this is my challenge for the group tonight; that we may see ourselves in Cain, that we may see what Satan has meant for harm in our own lives but God has used for good and lastly that we may be able to apply some real life application of the story of Cain and Abel.  After all, this would truly be the purpose of the history lesson.  It does us no good to read the story, to know the story yet be unable to apply the story.  I challenge them to be able to see that separate from God, we are all like Cain, we are all like Eve and later on, we are all like Lamech. 

In reading and preparing, I was able to reflect on our own experiences and see exactly how we related to these people in Genesis 4.  First, I will begin with Eve.  Oh that Eve!  In the last chapter Eve had just been punished.  She had received the penalty for disobeying God but God had given her the hope of redemption.  In chapter 3, we received our first Gospel and we see where God has used the opportunity to take something that Satan has done that was meant for evil and destruction and turn it into something good.  He gives us the promise of Jesus.  I’m going to stop here for a moment because this literally gives me goose bumps.  Satan says, I can deceive your woman and cause your man to openly disobey and God replies, “I’ve got a plan.”  God doesn’t erase creation, start over or just give up on us all together.  No, he says, “I’ve got Jesus and He will overcome.”  Okay, okay…now back to Eve.  So Eve knows that through her a son will be born who will reverse all that she has done.  A son will come that will correct her mistakes.  She thinks Cain is Jesus.  We see her boast in what she has done.  Little does she know that her son will turn out to be a pre-meditated cold blooded killer who not just kills but who kills his own brother. 

Here is my reflection of me being Eve.  First, I overstep my husband and like Eve, I try to overstep God.  This was what she had done in chapter 3 and what she was doing here in chapter 4.  Just the other day, Lance and I were simply walking through the store and I felt like he was taking the long way out and moving too slow so I took a right instead of following him.  Immediately after, I was hit with the simple conviction that I wasn’t letting my husband lead.  Now I know that it sounds ridiculous to many of you and that this may seem very trivial but Lance has a well-hated job in this town.  There aren’t many people who respect what he does and plenty of people who, if given the chance, would love to harm him or his family or any other officer or officer’s family on the police force.  And we had talked about that before.  Simple things, like if he tells me to stay put then I need to stay put or if he tells me to stay with him then I need to stay with him.  And this isn’t because he’s chauvinistic and he gets to tell me what to do because God says so but because he cares about me, he loves me and much like God, he wants me to be safe.  Then of course, as a mom, I am much like Eve.  We mothers all put so much on our children to do great things.  Did I think that Gideon would save the world?  No.  But did I think he would do great things in the name of God?  Yes.  That’s one reason we gave him the name of Gideon (mighty warrior of God).   I don’t think that it is necessarily wrong to think the latter but we must be careful to realize that no human can save us—only Jesus can save us.  But I had great plans for him.  Swimming lessons at 6 months, private Christian school, music lessons, sports, and college.  But God had something better.  He knew the days ahead and he had plans to turn something bad into something good.  He knew that he could do miraculous things through the tragic loss of our son.   So, my point here is that separate from God, we are all Eve.  We women try to overstep our husbands, overstep our God and we place too much emphasis on our own doing and what our children can do and not on what God can do. 

Then we move on to Cain and Abel.  I won’t get into it too much but I want you to realize that Cain came to worship with jealousy and unbelief in his heart.  He was jealous of Abel.  So God rejected his offering which made Cain that much more mad.  And God tried warning him.  He tried to get Cain to repent.  Even after Cain had killed Abel, God came to him seeking for repentance but Cain refused…until later.  And like so many, we fight jealousy.  We fight addiction and lust and self-righteousness.  We, like Cain, come with sin in our lives.  The past six months haven’t been easy, that’s no secret.  I have fought with my own jealousy and my own anger and bitterness.  There have been times when I have seen a mother holding her 4 month old baby and I was jealous because I only got to hold and enjoy mine until he was 3 months and not a day more.  At three months exactly, he was ripped from our arms and for two days following we went through turmoil seeing our baby lifeless, beginning to swell and just “not there” anymore.  For those next two days, we prayed relentlessly for God’s mercy and his healing, only to get a healing that we hadn’t expected.  And I have wrestled with the bitterness when I see a mother who doesn’t even enjoy their child, when I see someone who doesn’t appreciate what they have, when I see someone take for granted the blessing that God chose to give them.  I wrestled with resentment and anger during the past 6 months when a test would come back negative and then I would hear of a new mother expecting her baby after not even “trying” at all.  It was hard to see drug addicts and child abusers and child molesters be blessed with children when we were stripped of the one we were given and waiting on God to bless us with another.  But during those times, I would be convicted and I would turn back to God and seek Him more and fall even further into relationship with him.  But separate from him, I would be a bitter, angry, unbelieving, jealous person much like Cain. 

I believe that Cain repented because he goes on to be blessed and I believe that he began to spread the word of God in his thriving metropolis.  Some may argue with that view.  Like I said, we were taught to see Cain as bad, as dirty, as evil.  But I think if we read on and see what God says, how Cain responds and then the blessings that Cain receives then we may see Cain in another light.  We also, may be able to see ourselves in Cain. 

In the end of Genesis we see that Eve gives birth to Seth and this time she gives credit where credit is due.  She acknowledges that God has granted her another son.  She realizes God did this.  Unlike in the beginning of the chapter where she states, “with the help of God” this time she gets it right.  God did this.  I was merely the vessel that He chose to use.  This child is God’s and He made my son.  She finally gets it.  And that’s what we get when we turn to God.  Then at the very end we are told “people began to call on the name of the Lord.”  That’s what it’s all about people.  We die to self.  We recognize that we are merely vessels.  We realize that these are not our hands, not our minds, not our money, not our house, not my job, not my child but that it all belongs to God.  And we seek him constantly for guidance and we thank Him for what he has done.  We have faith in His plan and in His Son.  We lean on God and not our own understanding.

And lastly I want to say and probably repeat that God has done amazing things through our experience with Gideon in our lives and in those who knew his story.  Our relationship is closer than it has ever been.  Now God is granting us another child that should be here May 8^th—if it is God’s will.  We are excited and encouraged to see what God will let us “borrow”.  We pray that our hearts stay turned to Him and He remains our focus.