Though I am weak, You are strong

11-2-11

This pregnancy has been a different experience for Lance and me.  Although all of my symptoms have been the same, this pregnancy has been a completely different experience.  First, we were coming into this pregnancy after the loss of our son.  We had once held our precious boy in our arms and felt that love and connection but it had been ripped away from us and this time we knew that feeling as a couple whereas before we didn’t know what it was like to have a child together.  So this pregnancy was already different.  We both knew how much the little bundle that would soon be growing inside my belly would teach us and we were already anticipating having the sounds of baby, the smells of baby, the joy of baby fill our house. 

Second, we had to wait.  God did not just give us a new pregnancy on our first try like He did with Gideon.  No, this time we had to wait 6 months before we got a plus sign.  Again and again, we were reminded that our plan is not always the best plan, that what we wants isn’t always what God has in store for us.  And we had to realize that what God wants should be what we want.  His plan should be our plan and although it may “stink’, ultimately it is far better than what we would have in store for ourselves. 

Third, our first ultrasound experience was very different.  I read two weeks earlier than calculated so we just got more time stacked onto the due date.  The tech was rushed and we didn’t get to see the best images—partly also because it was so often.  And then we didn’t get any photos--again, completely different.

Now, here we are at 12 weeks with no real, tangible proof that I am pregnant, that God is molding a little being inside of me and still all the while missing our sweet son and wishing he were here to be the big brother.  I have been feeling the baby move low in my belly for the past week.  The movements are so light that Lance can’t feel all of the flutter so he is separated from the connection.  He was in need of getting to hear the heartbeat and honestly, so was I.  He asked on the way to the appointment, “So we will be able to hear the heartbeat today, right?”  “I really need to hear the heartbeat.  I need something.”  So when the doctor tried to pick up a beat with the Doppler and there was no success, our hearts sank.  He excused himself from the room.  I thought that he was going to get a different Doppler and try again.  During that time, the questions came…what do we do if he can’t find it?  Do we go for an ultrasound?  Then he came back with the laptop ultrasound machine.  We had to wait 15 minutes for it to warm up.  He left while it was warming and there was a lot of praying happening again in that room.  Pleading for movement, pleading for a heartbeat, pleading for a perfect God made baby developing inside of me.  He came back in, placed the wand on my stomach and instantly we were able to see our baby--his heart just fluttering away.  His arms and legs reaching for the sky as his butt bounced off the bottom of my trampoline uterus.  This was very reminiscent of Gideon during bathtime as we often had to pull him back into his little tub.  Lance was ecstatic.  The joy overflowed us both but it was truly touching to see the gift that God had given Lance.  He had gone in with the simple hope of hearing his child’s heart for the first time but God knew better what he needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  Isaiah 55:8

I know that many more things will probably be different and there will be more bumps along the road but it is important that we seek His plan not our own and remember…

…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose—Romans 8:28   Not that all things will be sunshine and roses but God makes all things good. :-)