...and I will trust Him.

“This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” —Psalm 91:2

Music has this enchanting quality that can stop us in our tracks, captivate our thoughts and take us to a place we didn’t realize we were even headed.  Since losing Gideon, music has meant so much more than just a catchy hook or danceable beat.  I have songs that remind me of him because that is what we would always play or I would always sing to him.  There are songs that cripple me, songs that give me hope.  And when it comes to Christian music, I’m thankful that even though it rips open those scars, it still points me back to Jesus.  

It’s the month of his birth and every year, I feel like it sneaks up on me.  I know it’s coming but it seems to come so fast.  And when it’s not even on the forefront of my thoughts, BAM, it hits me.  Driving in the car, I hear a song and instantly, I’m transported back to 2010, holding my first son, feeling that joy, smelling that sweet baby smell, seeing his smile, then 2011 and watching his laugh, discovering his personality, getting that call, walking those halls, crying out to God, leaving with an empty carseat.  This year, that song was “Even So” by Mercy Me.  

“I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul”

This was us, standing next to that ICU bed, holding onto hope, holding onto the child who lay in front of us, intubated and sedated.  That was us, knowing that He could heal him but also knowing that He may not.  So driving home, tears flooded my face.  Not only was that us, it is still us.  In times like that, on his birthday, on March 8-10th every year, we still stand there and pray for the strength to praise Him.  And in those times, these songs I remember because these songs remind me of his Word.  

As we are planning for the new house, I have decided that we will have lots of song lyrics/scripture on the walls, on counters because this is how we get through.  These words point us to the Word and this always bring me back to Jesus.  I thought I would take the time to share as we prepare to celebrate Gideon’s birthday and later this month the birth of our Savior, some of the words I hold onto.  

Shortly after we lost him, God gave us this song and even though I knew the verse, when it was put to music it was something I can sing out at the top of my lungs in opposition to the enemy, in victory that even though we lost Gideon, Hell has no victory.  

“O death, where is your sting?

O hell, where is your victory?” —Christ is Risen, Matt Maher

And this points me to the actual scripture:

“O death, where is your sting? O grave, where is your victory?” --1 Corinthians 15:55

What was meant for evil in our lives, what could have totally ripped Lance and I apart, broken our spirit, turned us from God, only drew us closer.  Closer to one another, closer to Christ.  And one day, that grave will bear no hurt because God has defeated death and one day I will see my son again.  

And this pattern of thinking is the same path I take when I see the words:

“Ain’t no grave gonna hold me down.” —Ain’t No Grave, Crowder

And finally, 

  “But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.”—Even If, Mercy Me.

The song goes on to sing about how He has been faithful and good all of our days and I will cling to Him. And this, I remember.  It is not God’s nature to hurt me.  Too many times He has been good.  Too many times, He has been faithful and pulled me through situations that only were God directed.  And so even if He doesn’t do what I ask, what I plead, I will still choose Him versus the many idols this world tries to set up in His place.   

Directs you to: 

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." —Daniel 3:17-18

I pray this post leaves you feeling blessed, feeling renewed, armed with some words of good songs that point to even better scripture that help you get through those times when you feel all is lost.  I tell you now, all is not lost.  We have a hope.  We have a God who came for us.  A God who became vulnerable and walked along side us, who now is in us.  We serve a God who suffered a death that was meant for us, a God who took the death we deserved even though He did not.  This month we will celebrate the birth of Gideon but more importantly we will celebrate the birth of Jesus.  On Christmas morning, I pray you take a look around at those near you, hug them tight and sing Jesus the loudest Happiest Birthday song you have ever heard because without Him all is lost.  Praise God we have Jesus.    

“This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” —Psalm 91:2

I trust you, Lord that you have saved me, that you have rescued me.  I trust in your promise that one day I will see You face to face and as I stand there recalling all of the times I doubted, all the times I have failed, You will cup my face, make Your light shine upon me and tell me, “Think of that no more.(The Silver Chair).  Then in all of your glory, I will again see my son.  I trust you.  

I see so much of Cadence in these photos.  She is this perfect blend of Gideon and Gabe yet still her own little person.

...and we will Rejoice

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” --Jeremiah 29:11-14

As I pack up our home, I reflect on our journey here, the memories made and look forward to the future.  This is the first home we have ever built.  Gabe’s hand print is embedded in the driveway.  We got to be a part of every step of the construction phase and see this house come to life.  We brought Cadence home here.  We have shared so many memories with our friends and family here through the birthday parties, graduation party, hosting community groups and just offering a place to rest.  There is no doubt that part of me will miss this home.  The layout inside has always made sense to me.  There is no wasted space, no poorly planned, “what do we do here” area.  Every room has a purpose and every space has a use.  Even the cut out area in the hall was perfect for our seating bench and then Gabe’s piano.  It is a great design.    But still, for many reasons, we are leaving.  As we don’t have plans for what the future holds and we will be moving into an apartment, I struggle.  

I relentlessly search home sites looking for a house that fits our wish list or land that we could make our own.  I have multiple searches set up of my own as well as one from our realtor so that i can be notified as soon as something new comes on the market within our criteria.  I am in weekly contact with our banker, asking various questions regarding various financing options, current rates and updating her with our current info.  I find myself yearning to know, to just have an idea... We will sell our home and build.  We will sell our home and buy a new home.  We will sell our home and buy an older home.  We will sell our home and buy something in Broken Arrow.  We will sell our home and buy in Bixby.  We will sell our home and live in an apartment for x amount of months...  It’s not known at this time.  Even though we have an apartment lined up for move in in 1 week, I still consider that an undecided.  If something were to come up for sale that was what we wanted before our move date then we wouldn’t even rent an apartment at all but instead stay with family until we closed.  So even that is iffy.  And honestly, even the sell of our house is iffy.  There are four closings happening on one day.  Our contract resides on our buyers closing on their previous home, which resides on their buyers closing on their previous home and their buyers closing on their previous home.  So even this packing could al be for not.  

On Sunday, I journeyed to church with both kids in tow.  Lance had had an awful night at work so we got home at 8, he was exhausted and stayed home to sleep.  We have started going to a new church plant over the past few months.  The congregation is small and we share a space with another church.  There is children’s church in the room behind the sanctuary and it’s not exactly sound proof and my daughter is not quiet.  She has had stranger anxiety from the age of 6 months and as we have tried to get her use to going into children’s church, she has cried for almost the duration of the entire service.  But this Sunday was different.  This Sunday, she cried for a few moments and then I didn’t hear her any longer.  So when the time came for reflection, I actually had time.  I had peace and quiet and opportunity to talk to God without distraction.  So I turned and knelt at my seat and began to pray.  “God, show me what we are to do. Let your plan be known to us.  Should we buy or build?  Let me have peace.  Tell me what to do.”   And in that moment, His simple answer, “Seek Me”.  But should we... “Seek Me.” ...but what about... “Seek Me.”  Yes, I hear you but what does that mean?  “Seek Me.  Spend time with me.  Find me in your day.  Read more of my Word.  Seek Me.”  Instantly, He showed me the daily devotional and I knew that I needed to start carving out time every day to devote to Him and the reading of that devotional.  

I would like to say that all of the angst and stress of the move is gone.  I would like to not say that although I’m excited, I’m also a little depressed about the downsizing while we wait.  But I can’t.  I’m human and flesh and my brain chases the rabbit trail in 15 different paths every minute.  But I can say that I will be obedient and there is a peace in that.  And in continuing to be obedient, I know He will continue to work in me and alleviate those fears and feelings.  I will seek Him and I will find Him and His plans will be brought to light.  He is good. 

I thank you, Lord for seeking me first.  I thank you for the things that you have done and what you will do, but more importantly what you are doing this very day.  Today is yours and I will rejoice in it.  I will seek you.  I will find you.  I will find you here in this very day.  I will be glad.  

“This is the day the Lord has made; Let us will rejoice and be glad in it.”  --Psalm 118:24

What are you seeking?  Where are your sights set?  It’s so easy to ask God what he has for us and get caught up in the minutiae but how are you working on that bigger picture?  What does seeking Him in your life look like? 

when the well runs over...

WARNING!!!  This post is a bit personal.  I talk about woman things and such..like boobs...nope, not those ones, I mean the kind that produce milk and that hungry babies use for nourishment..and other lady norms...like the kind that requires sanitary napkins and such.  So, if you can handle that imagery, then read on.  If not, then please stop now before you and I embarrass ourselves any further. 

Today was one of my most productive days in quite awhile.  I mean the kind of productive where you get to do something that you want to do (not that you have to do) and then you get to look at your work and just be glad.  That kind of productive.  We are all for the most part productive everyday.  But this is a different kind of productivity.  This is the thing that makes you feel like you actually did something and didn’t just get pushed along by the tide of life.  That’s it!  That’s how things have been feeling lately.  From work to feedings, to naptime rituals and storytime, to diaper changes and wardrobe changes, to baseball practice and piano lessons and piano practice and swim lessons, school pick-up and school drop off, homework, napping here, sleeping there, crying over there...the list of things to do never stops.  I joke to Lance that before bedtime rituals, is when I am the most optimistic and after bedtime rituals is when I am the most real.  There is something about preparing those two little humans for bed and tucking them in that just drains me!   And for the past few months, I feel like we have been pushed along by this tide that just sweeps through our house and directs all of our actions.   So today, was good in that I broke free from the undertow and made it up on the beach, by walking and not by being tossed!  

But today was also a struggle.  Cadence started refusing to nurse.  A few months ago i felt like my supply was decreasing because I had too many days away from her and although I pump, if she doesn’t go to breast, my milk production decreases.  So at that time, I was wrestling with giving her formula and giving up on nursing.  But then I was going in a little later and getting to feed her every night for the 7:00 feed and I felt like my production was boosted back to normal.  But today, she acted like she did not want to nurse from me and fear struck.  WHY?!?!?  Was my production down?  I did work the past three nights and missed out on those feedings.  She was excited to see the daily bottle of prune juice...so, was she just too used to the bottle now and protesting me?   I mean, she would literally pull away from me and not even try to latch.  Ugh!   I could feel her getting lighter and lighter.  I had decided that she was going to go to the bottle and since I’m not good at making milk with pumping, formula it was.  Fed is best, right?  I researched  (eh-hem,  in this case I googled) “the most like breastmilk formula).  The top contender?  Earth’s Best organic sensitive with DHA/ARA.  Ok great.  I would go to Target after community group and pick up a can.  (never mind that my breasts were producing milk and supply was not the issue--as she had milk draining from her mouth when she would pull away and scream at me.  Surely she just “didn’t want to breastfeed any longer and she was weaning herself.)  

So I go to Target, pressed for time because Lance has to leave for work and I have exactly one hour to get there and back.  One.  Hour.  Hello, have you been to target?  There are too many pretty/shiny things to be limited on time while shopping at Target.  First stop, girls clothes for an Easter dress.  i probably spent a good twenty minutes in this section.  I finally have a few things picked out.  Yes, a few.  i couldn’t just get one dress.  I also had to get a romper and a pair of tights and a sun hat.  Priorities.  I almost make it out of clothes when I remembered that I needed to get Gabe a new blazer.  That’s when I realize the new boy toddler section for daily clothes containing items other than pajamas and swim clothes, consists of one rack that holds two different dress shirts, two different pair of pants and three different casual shirts.  So I pout and rant for a minute, stroll over to the boys section and stare at an XS 4/5 button down shirt and try to picture it on my 36 pound almost 5 year old before rolling my eyes and getting aggravated once again by the lack of options.  But then it was on to the formula finally.  I spend a good 5 minutes picking out various organic simple ingredient baby food items consisting of “just” ingredients.  Just apples.  Just green beans.  Just prunes.  Then I turn to the dreaded formula.  Now let me stop you right here, if you formula fed/feed, I’m not putting you down.  Your choice to formula feed is just that, your choice and what worked for you, was best for you.  This is simply my story.  I’m sure there will be someone who feels the need to tell me that “formula is fine”.  I know it is fine.  But...

Now back to the formula.  So at first I don’t see it.  I see the Honest baby brand.  I see that price.  yikes.  then finally, I see it.  I stand there analyzing the cans.  Earth’s Best Organic Sensitivity DHA/ARA.  But then there’s another one “Earth’s Best Organic Organic Sensitive DHA.  Wait, so is the first not organic?  But it’s Earth’s Best Organic brand.  Doesn’t that mean it’s organic?  And what was ARA for again?  I know the DHA but what is the significance of ARA?  Oh wait, this non-ARA is No GMO.  Wait, there was an article going around about why you shouldn’t eat non-GMO foods but I didn’t read that so I don’t know what the argument is.  Okay, I’ll compare ingredients...eh, what the?!?  nothing simple like “just boob milk”.  Oh crap, 23 minutes til time to be back.  Well, I’ll grab the $30 container and don’t forget the special infant water.  Head for the check out as thoughts of stopping breastfeeding bounce through my head and how she is my last one and I want her to be healthy so I want her fed but I have milk, but she isn’t drinking my milk but I’m making milk but she is so tiny  and it is all jumbled in my brain.  Then, there it is.  One cashier open and 5 people ahead of me.  Immediately parked the cart next to the candy trap and exited the store.  Formula crisis diverted.  Wasted an hour and came home empty handed but still full of milk on my chest!   

So then I start researching reasons why she may be protesting.  How can I coax her to nurse?  And then boom!  There it was. . . “Hormones.  Pre-menstruation and menstruation may cause a baby to nurse less or refuse because the mother and milk may smell different and the milk changes and may be saltier.”  Oh yes, that little womanly wonder showed back up today after nearly 18 blissful months and with her she brought the acne back as well.  35 and breaking out.  It’s like I’m in high school again.  Seriously, I had terrible skin.  I remember one year when I showed my dad my school picture, his reply was “your skin looks better than last year.”  He didn’t mean anything and I remember calling him out on it and it never made me self conscious (more than I already was) so I don’t need therapy or anything.  i just remember it because it was a little rude but funny (like the kind of funny you sit around with your cousins and reminisce about) and it was definitely true.  But back to the topic at hand...perhaps, that’s why she’s been so moody.  It more than likely was the cause of my evening downward spiral.