Oh come, all ye faithful...

“Oh come, all ye faithful

Come let us adore Him

Oh sing hallelujah

Come let us adore him.”

As I walked towards the sanctuary this morning, these words echoed down the hall.  I parked my little Doona on the end of the row and gleefully unpacked the small, wide eyed girl it was carrying.  Singing as I lifted her up, smiling at her sweet face to see her smile at me in return.  Then back to these words, this beat as in the style of Hillsong and I instantly see Jesus in her sweet face.  Thoughts of those that flocked to see Him in that manger, thoughts of the pride Mary must have had circling in my head and heart.  Mary, what a moment that must have been for her.  I begin to chase the rabbit.  How full was her heart?  How full was her spirit?  How much did she know?  How much did she fully grasp?  

As a mother, I find myself pondering the thoughts and actions of Mary.  I mean, she was chosen to be the mother of the only Messiah.  She has to be a pretty good example of what to look up to and as a mother I find this trans-generational empathy from her to me and me to her.  I find myself wondering if her heart was conflicted?  Was it filled with joy in the birth of her baby but filled with worry as to what exactly her (Old) Testament teachings referred to in Isaiah.  Joseph had been given the vision to keep Mary as his wife and that their son would “save his people from their sins.” (Matthew 1:21).  Did he share that with her?  Did he boast in the great gift and task they have been given?  “Mary, he is the One!  The chosen One!  Our son is the Messiah!”  Or did he play it down with an “it’s cool, God’s got this and we’re good” kind of attitude as to not alarm his new young wife?  Had she told him of her visit from Gabriel who told her she would give birth to the son of the Most High and that he will reign forever?”  (Luke 1: 28-33)  Did they compare notes?  

 Did she realize this man Isaiah spoke of as lacking beauty, majesty, who would be despised, rejected, pierced and crushed (Isaiah 53:1-5) could possibly be the same face of that baby boy she stared into on that star-filled night as the shepherds gathered to simply see him and then to tell Mary of the things the angels had spoken to them. “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:8-20)    

Here, gathered around the manger, I would like to think that the only thing in Mary’s heart was joy, an overflowing joy.  For the next three decades, her life would be filled with fret and anxiety and I’m sure worry wondering if they were doing “enough”. Simeon would tell her on that eighth day, “Behold, this child is appointed for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign that is opposed (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also), so that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.”  (Luke 2:34-35).  Imagine getting that good news.  She and Joseph had to flee King Herod’s killing of all babies heralded by the Wise Men.  (Matthew 2:1-21)  They had to raise a child who “grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom; and (who had) the grace of God upon him.”  (Luke 2:40) And imagine her sunken heart after losing the Messiah.  Lance and I lost sight of Gabe one time at Hunter park for about 30 seconds when we turned our backs to load up the bikes.  He had traveled from the train to the swings.  In that 30 seconds, my brain played out every SVU/Criminal Minds child abduction scenario and that annoying voice kept repeating “worst parent ever.”  And there's Mary, losing Him for three days.  Three days!  Where’s the Messiah, Mary?  Where’s the boy God chose you to protect?  

(Side note, isn’t is amazing the parallels the Bible makes, the foreshadowing that we see?  When Jesus was simply 12 years, his family made a trip to Jerusalem for Passover.  After the 7 days of celebration, the family returns home.  But then they realize they have forgotten or you could even say forsaken as they abandoned and deserted him (not purposefully though).  And so they search for him and it is not until the 3rd day they find him.  Sound familiar?)     

Then when they find Him, I’m sure her face is tear stained, her eyes red from the crying from this sorrow and then they have to wrestle with all of these weird things He is saying and what would sound like straight sarcasm to my ears: “Why were you looking for me?  Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?”  (Luke 2:49-50)   So there she is, I’m sure weeping as He has been lost for days and much like he tells Mary Magdalene on that third day outside of the tomb as she sat there weeping as she mourns not knowing where the body of Jesus has been taken, Jesus responds in this questioning way that many of us would see as having zero social norms or social awareness.  “Why are you looking?  Why are you crying?  Do you not know?”  (John 20:15) Then there is this wrestling of the unfolding of this personal relationship that is being recorded from the words of Jesus referring to God as His Father.  And Mary and Joseph are left struggling to figure out what this all means.  But Mary continued to ponder these things in her heart just as she did when the shepherds first came to her.  (Luke 2:51; 2:19) 

Then they continue to raise this young man and Mary, still not quite getting it, pleas for Him  to somehow correct the running out of wine in Cana.  She witnesses the first miracle but not after having probably what was another pondering conversation.  And then of course we come to Mary at the foot of the cross.  Picture her there weeping, filled with sorrow, love overflowing, understanding lacking as she watches her oldest son hanging from a cross.  In that moment, her world was crashing.  Yet, God proves to be faithful.

So, when I think of the birth of Jesus, when I think about Christmas morning, I like to think that her heart was filled with that same joy I felt as I pulled Cadence out of her seat and she greeted my smile with bright eyes and a smile that seems to sweep over her entire body simply because those next 33 years for Mary were filled with hate, fear, anguish and death that this mama can’t even begin to perceive.  

As we enter into this Advent season and we reflect and we look forward with much anticipation, we can remember that He is faithful and just like Mary we can adore Him, we can sing hallelujah.  

“Unfulfilled and fulfilled promise are related to each other, as are dawn and sunrise. Both are promise and in fact the same promise. If anywhere at all, then it is precisely in the light of the coming of Christ that faith has become Advent faith, the expectation of future revelation. But faith knows for whom and for what it is waiting. It is fulfilled faith because it lays hold on the fulfilled promise.” --Karl Barth

He has come, and he will come again. This is Advent.  

Thank you, Jesus, for always refocusing my heart on you.  This morning was filled with much angst as I wrestled with even attending service due to a hungry girl who nursed longer than normal.  But when I walked through those doors, you were speaking to me.  I heard you tell me that I was to write tonight.  Thank you for giving me the words, for mine would be nothing more than a blundering mess.  I thank you that you are faithful and I adore you.  My heart does sing hallelujah as I enter into not only Advent but this time of reflection and remembrance of Gideon in the coming days and months.  I thank you for the Hope.  I thank you for choosing Mary to show us this relationship.  We see Mary weep and Mary fret.  You know the heart of a mother and you show us that even the mother of God made mistakes, that even she didn't have it all put together.  I thank you for knowing me.  

Thank you, God, for happy, smiling babies.

His timing is good...

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.--John 14:27

My Time Hop came up from 3 years ago:

Today, I received my credentialing from St Francis and get to start work a day early (this evening)! I have thoroughly enjoyed this past month of rest and bonding that has flown by way too quickly but I am thankful to have a place of employment and a job to go to. This has been an amazing journey for our little family. My husband told me when I first began looking into the PEC that if it's not from God, it will fizzle and that if it is from God then it will be unstoppable. I look at how much happened in so short of time: credentialing in less than a month (most hospitals estimate a time of three months for this) and even my certifications in less than a week compared to the estimated 6-8 weeks. I believed my husband then and I see the proof now and I thank Jesus always for leading us.

This was such an adventure for me.  I stepped out on complete faith when I gave my notice at the clinic.  I knew God wanted more from me as a mother and I knew we needed to make some drastic changes to get there.  Then, I had a full month off work.  I do not know if I ever had felt so healthy and refreshed in all my life and still so fulfilled.  Gabe and I filled our days with each other in playtime and activities.  And now in 2 days, I will venture back to work.   I will enter that building where God chose to place me.  I have been thinking about how I had an entire month off exactly 3 years ago and how blessed I was to be able to spend that time with Gabe and Lance.  I think it’s beautiful how God timed these two separate events of my work break and now my maternity leave.  Every year in November, I am reminded how God orchestrated this move but this time he gave me a bit of a reprieve as I start into my fourth year.  he gave me a time to just be mom and wife without the worry of being a working mom.     

This past week has been filled with rush and worry with this deep desire to slow down and indulge.  Indulge the snuggles, the hugs, the smells, the quiet, the smiles and the laughs.  This time off has certainly been different than the last.  We have had lots of hanging out at the house with the sleeping baby and less of going to the fun places.  Cadence has filled more of my time and Gabe has often been left to play with Gege or Granny and dad has almost completely taken over story time.  But tonight, we danced.  Gabe and I danced in the kitchen.     It’s this beautiful picture that I pray he will remember for all of his life and one I will never forget.  He takes both of my hands in his, his hazel eyes stare up at me and never leave my face except when a spin is involved and then I hear the joyous giggle from his pure sweet soul.   These are the things that God gives to me that give me peace.  Peace that we are doing something right.  Peace as I return to work.  

I pray you find peace in God.  I pray He gives you rest.  Too easily our work can become toil and our hearts begin to harden as we seek for a rejuvenation that can only come form Him.  Prayers for peace and comfort in what this week may bring you.  

Lord, I thank you for giving me 12 beautiful weeks.  I thank you for this time to reflect on who you are and all that you have done for us.  As I begin my fourth year at the job you chose, I pray I will continue to be the hands and feet of you, Jesus.  I know you hear my cries and you know my angst of returning to work and I pray that you will continue to give me comfort and these special moments with my children and husband to help get me through my time away.

These two have definitely kept me busy these past 12 weeks.

Pumpkin Town was one of our many adventures during my time off 3 years ago

That Gideon was one cool dude!

A trip to the lake to hang out and dad to take pictures during time off 3 years ago.

We dance...

When you are praying for a Bible church who preaches the Bible and uses the Bible to make it relevant and you pray to God for a pastor who studies the hermeneutics of scripture and you show up to a new church after listening to several sermons of the lead pastor preaching the Bible, still having hesitation and reservations and then you get to hear the associate pastor preach and he actually says "while studying the hermeneutics" during his sermon, all you can say is "I hear you, God. I hear you".  ...and so was my experience this past Sunday.
For sometime, we have been considering a new church.  For sometime we have been hungry for more...more relationships, deeper teaching, a spiritual growing.  We went to the midtown campus while living in Tulsa and found it to be smaller but still not the family type environment we felt at our first church that Lance and I grew exponentially in and the church where we found some of our best friendships.  We got to know one person while we were there.  Then we moved back to the main campus because it just seemed to make sense.  It was in the same town we lived in.  It was the home church of our community group and it was an easy drive for Gabe and I.  But still, we felt not at home.  It was even more of a lost feeling.  The pastor tucked away, in and out for preaching.  Seating difficult to find as well as the parking. We felt like just another face.  (Now don't get me wrong.  I believe Big churches are great but it wasn't working for me.) I missed the community feel that I fell in love with during my days at Fusion. I missed the quirkiness but spirit filled singing of Dwayne where at times he stumbled through some words but it never mattered because he was singing to God and not us. Or the beautiful voice of my best friend, Stephanie, who stood beside me on my wedding day singing a song of praise. I missed baking the cookies for Sunday morning, making the tea, being a good host. I missed the intimate setting where my pastor knew every single person's name and we went to lunch together, celebrated birthdays together, had community together. I missed my husband wanting to linger after church to hang out with his friends and talk about manly things with men he had found common interests with.  My soul was crying, breaking, longing for the things of yesteryear that I know can never be he again but surely there had to be some common ground.
And so brings me to Sunday.  When I walked into The Gathering, I instantly felt at home. Meeting in the Thoreau Demonstration Academy with pop up signs, it had the feel of a developing church plant. Friendly faces greeted those coming through the door. I could definitely help with set up on Sundays. Orange juice, coffee, and mini muffins were also a welcome sign of a church who wants to be inviting.  I could totally see myself making cookies for this church.  The children's church was down the hall in a classroom with a baby gate blocking the door to Gabe's class.  We couldn't enter the "sanctuary" (auditorium) until 1020 due to the need for set up and practice so people congregated in the front giving hellos, hugs and how have you beens."  The lead pastor rushed by us but stopped to say hello and good morning. Upon entering the sanctuary, it was quaint. Big enough to allow for newcomer space but not so large that you felt like a face lost in the sea.  The music shortly began. At first, I'm drawn to the uniqueness and peculiarity of the worship leader's voice. It's different but it's good. Then I scan the stage. A full band. A violin...well, that is a blessing that hadn't been on a search list but definitely makes me excited.   The music is good. It's familiar. Even the song that isn't speaks to my soul. Without truly scanning the room, I can tell people are raising their hands in worship, I can hear the clapping on the glorious triumphant proclamation that Jesus has conquered the grave, that Jesus covers my sin. I can see the people dancing. The Spirit of God is in this room. Then on the last song, down in front, I see a man with both hands raised, dancing, almost jumping then he does it. He jumps, he lets out a celebratory yell and I feel the Spirit leap in me.  The Spirit of God has met us here in this room where during the week, assemblies are held, plays are had. He is here. Then this guy in front moves down to the front and begins speaking. At first, I'm a little disappointed as I knew he was not the lead pastor. But then I'm reassured as I had heard the lead pastor speak before and this would show me what I would hear when he was gone.   We take time to greet one another and again I feel the connection to Fusion. People know we are new. There's no guessing.  Names are exchanged. We are welcomed.  I actually feel welcomed.  Then the preaching begins. Still talking about David as has been the series I had been following at home. He reads out of second Samuel with some corny church humor of where that's located  and then continues the story of David and Bethsheba. It's all Bible.  It's all scripture. Over to Psalms to read of David's thoughts during these times, back to second Samuel.  Back to Psalms. See how it correlates. One brief personal story of his own struggle with the weight of sin and back to second Samuel. And then the glorious bringing back to Jesus. The band comes back, we take communion. Couples holding the cups, speaking out to every single person individually, "Christ body broken for you. Christ blood shed for you."  And then on a little platform as I look to my right, it's just like Fusion, people kneeling, praying, thanking God.  So badly I wanted to join and kneel but I could already feel the tears swelling and I just couldn't let that be my first experience. I should have just went. Instead, I went back to my seat. Prayed and thanked Jesus for all that He has done and almost screamed along with the music. This is where I feel I belong. I heard Him loud and clear. Lance is so excited to come with me and hopefully in 2 weeks, he will be able to take off and join Gabe and I for a full Sunday of togetherness.  OH!! And they are also having a men's retreat which involves, camping, woods, 4-wheelers and shooting guns. I think Lance will fit in;).
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you."--Psalm 32:8





And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.-- Isaiah 30:21

Thank you, Lord, for listening, for guiding, for making me pay attention to that trailer parked out by the road in that empty parking lot that made me look up that church. I pray you lead me, keep me and that you shine your face upon me. I love you, Lord. It is my desire to be where you want me. Continue to show me. 

I pray you are listening to the Lord and going where He leads. I pray that if you are struggling with this same dilemma as I have that He too will be gracious and show you the way. 


Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That You won't lead me
Where You don't go .....let me pray this daily, Lord. 

let me stay here a little longer....

I was blessed to have nine days off in a row.  9 beautiful days.  No vacation taken.  No vacation planned.  Just 9 days in a row.  I did ask for the next three days off but the previous 6 days were just a lovely addition.  And it’s amazing how you don’t realize how much you may actually need something more than you know.  The past several days have been this subconscious preparation for the endurance of these three days.  A time to find comfort in God, seek His shelter and lean on Him.  This past week He has continued to point me toward Bethel Music as I have just continued to listen over and over.   Sunday after church, the words played again and again.  Crying out to God and missing my son.  Thinking about that beautiful time that I will see him again, wrapped in the glory of Christ.  Then these words played out; they echoed a chorus my soul was already playing...

      “And I will lock eyes

    With the One who's ransomed me

The One who gave me joy for mourning

And I will lock eyes

With the One who's chosen me

The One who set my feet to dancing.”

I will be overcome by that glory and power of Christ.  The one who gives me joy.  The one who continues to set my feet to dancing.  Every year, several times a year, I become so focused on Gideon.  I mean tunnel vision on Gideon.  And God so kindly in one way or another turns my focus back to him.  It will be a glorious time when I get to see that blue eyed boy again but the real beauty of it all comes from the beauty that is Christ.  He makes it possible. 

So as we get great news that we have this growing girl who is being intricately made within me, or when it’s 11PM  in the middle of a rainstorm the night before the anniversary of the biggest fight of our life, we will be filled with the same joy.  The joy that only comes from God.  

Better words than I could write:

“You steady me

Slow and sweet, we sway

Take the lead and I will follow

Finally ready now

To close my eyes and just believe

That You won't lead me

Where You don't go

When my faith gets tired

And my hope seems lost

You spin me round and round

And remind me of that song

The one You wrote for me

And we dance.”

Lord, your love has broken every chain.  You free me.  You heal me.  You guide me.  Though my flesh deters, my flesh caves, you spin me back around.   I am continuously pointed back to you.  And I can’t thank you enough.  Like those words I cried out, those words I screamed out; I can’t thank you enough.  And though I ask you, what it is you would have me to do.  You simply reply with not a list of do’s and don’t’s.  You don’t condemn me for focusing on Gideon and planting my feet in the muck of sorrow.  But you simply love on me and call me to love you so that I can feel that joy that overcomes all of my mourning.  You are glorious, Lord.   You are glorious.