So let go my soul and trust in Him; the waves and wind still know His name.
I have never been one to be competitive in life except for when it came to school. But still, I was quietly competitive. I remember in grade school, we had “math blasts” where we were given a sheet of equations and the first to finish with the most correct won. Oh, I wanted to win so badly. I was speedy. I don’t even remember what the prize was. the prize wasn’t what I wanted so it didn’t matter. I wanted to be the best. But there was one girl who consistently beat me. Every. Single. Time. Her name was Michelle Montgomery. Funny thing about Michelle is she actually precepted me during my nurse externship in the NICU when I thought I still wanted to be a neonatal nurse practitioner and she is now a neonatal nurse practitioner. Anywho, back to math blasts. I wanted to beat her bad! Math blast after math blast, she would finish just before I wrote my final answer until finally one day I beat her. It was a glorious victory and I bounced with joy, on the inside of course because I’m an introvert. Maybe its the fault of math blasts that I am a speedy test taker...?
This theme of having to be the best continued throughout school age. I never cared if I made the basket, hit the ball or ran the fastest but it was always important to make an A. It was pleasing to my parents for me to do well in school. I graduated in the top of my class. This continued through my college days, when I was a teller, a tech, a nurse, through grad school. i wanted to be the best at what I was doing. I wanted to be the best at using my brain. Does that sound weird? Well, you know what I mean. And I loved school. i was good at it. But not only good at the study stuff and test stuff but with the application piece as well. The good student, the good employee, that was who I was. So now go back to me beginning at the PEC. The primary care stuff was easy peasy. But when it came to the acute care, I was a little fish in a big pond. My peer is so unbelievably brilliant and then again these doctors. That pride piece in me was becoming deflated. So, why not go back and learn and gather all of the information in one huge block of mandatory time. I could do it. i would do well. Well, the problem with that is that even when you graduate med school, you don’t have all of the information. Even when you finish residency, you don’t have all of the information. You are definitely prepared but you still have things to learn and you never stop learning. But the even bigger problem with that plan is it isn’t what God wants for me.
Dr. Brandi Hamm is not the plan that God has for me. Almost as soon as I posted my blog last week declaring to the world my struggle, my temptation, God began showing me where I am to be. When I went to pick Gabe up from school, he was sick. When he was being walked over by his teacher, he looked pale. He was moving slow. No smiles. He looked tired. No ‘hi mom”. As she loaded him in the car, she told me that he just began feeling ill and asked to be held because his leg hurt. She thought he felt a little warm. As we drove away, i reached my hand back to feel his head and he was hot. i looked back at him. he was very pale. I looked at his legs, gave a few squeezes. i saw a few bruises. Then mom who lost her three month old kicked in. Cancer? Septic joint? Then rational mom came around, “I’ll just look at you when we get home.” I carried him in. His little body radiating heat. 103 fever, of course you look puny. Ears clear, throat clear. Lungs sound good. Soft belly. No abnormal bruising. No joint swelling, redness or tenderness. Still bearing weight. So I gave him some motrin and put him down for a nap.
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| 10 minute car ride and couldn't keep his eyes open. |
During the midst of his nap, I received some feedback to my med school blog. I was given contact info to a female physician who had a three month old when she started med school and had another girl during her third year of school. I scanned her blog. She had helpful mommy/school tips. She had been on vacations. She seemed to be making family time and school time really work. She called me shortly before Gabe woke from his nap. That was a God orchestrated conversation. She scared me. She scared me to no end. I hung up the phone with my jaw dropped. She told me how she would see her 3 month old on Monday night and then not again until Thursday night. She told me how her husband does all of the car pooling and any school activity. Her husband also had to quit his job for 6 months so they could just keep things together and flowing. She had also contemplated quitting but had it not been for the debt she had already racked up and just the determination of just doing the thing that she had always wanted to do she probably would have. If made to do it again, she would not go back to school. And she said it was really common theme with others in her program because she felt like she was the only one questioning but she was really surprised how many others were unhappy. So yes, I got off the phone with her and immediately went to tell Lance, who by this time was holding Gabe, that I would not be attending school. But then we talked it out as I snuggled Gabe. Maybe her priorities are different than mine. I know some people who manage to keep active within the church and within their family. So I was back on the fence when I went to bed. Then 0645 rolls around. Lance has left for work. I worked 12-12 and Gabe is crying out. He usually wakes around 830-9 but here he was crying and ready to get up. He still has a slight fever but he seems comfortable but he is done with sleeping. Again, I hear you God. This is what it will be like. I just want to go back to bed. I want my child to be well. I want him to go back to sleep. Nope. Not going to happen. And this is what med school would look like. trying to get in a few extra hours of sleep while the newborn needs to be fed and changed and needs attention. Or trying to study during those quiet morning hours when Gabe decides he is done and wants out of bed. Then there are other things, like the fall festival, book fair and mom and muffin events at school that I would miss out on. Then I had good conversation with some friends where i could just talk it out. You realize how stupid something sounds when you say it out loud for others to hear you... It doesn’t make sense. God has blessed me with a great education. he has blessed me with a flexible job. And more importantly, He has told me time and time again I am made to be mom. And in 5 years, I will have debt paid and even more flexibility. I am also encouraged when I hear other women physicians tell me that their goal is not work as much either but to stay home with their children.
We had community group last night and let me tell you, this semester has been awesome. Our lesson teaching leader got held up at work so another leader stepped in and taught. he spoke about jesus being tempted and just before leaving I was able to share how I continued to be tempted with this desire to go and further my education, all while racking up ore debt and missing out on all of those “firsts”. God set it again in my heart that it’s not the path for me.
“O Lord God of hosts,
who is mighty as you are, O Lord,
with your faithfulness all around you?
You rule the raging of the sea;
when its waves rise, you still them.” Psalm 89:8-9
Oh God, you are faithful. As in the days of Gideon, the days of Noah, you continue to be faithful. As I continue to turn to you, forget your promise, your commands, you are faithful to bring me back and show me your ways. As I wrestle with the same lie, the same sin of pride that tempted Eve in the garden, that tempted Jesus in the wilderness, I thank you for the everlasting truth that you are faithful. You have the power to calm the storm, to calm the waves, come and calm my soul, Lord.
I have heard that children are resilient, that school is only for a season and although I know all mean well. This is what goes through my mind. I don’t say it because then things get awkward... but yes, kids are resilient except when they die. And then it’s not the resiliency of the child that I am worried about. It is instead mine. There is no doubt in my mind that Gideon felt loved everyday of his life. But I missed out on so much. Me. Not him. It’s my resiliency. let me make it clear, that I do not live in fear but God showed me His plan for us after we lost Gideon and through our life we will continue to hold tup what we think we want and see how it holds true to that promise and plan. If through the death of our son i was able to hear from God and not have any change in my life then it is all for not. It is not all for not.
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| I want more of this. More pumpkin town. More smiles. More giggles. More snuggles. |
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