Pour over me...

“...I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”John 16:33

I’m not typically a fan of female singers.  I’m not sure exactly why.  It could be that their pitch is often too high, their voice too soft but I often catch myself skipping through my female counterparts and stopping on the men of music.  That is, until I find the girl with more “oomph” in her voice.  Possibly a little ruggedness, a little hurt, a little harshness...  When I first heard Lauren Daigle’s “How Can It Be” I remember pulling into the garage around one in the morning from work and just being in awe as I sat there until it had finished.  I had failed to look her up on iTunes until many weeks later after attending a concert she had performed at.  She was amazing, stunning really and she had this huge sound that came from this petite frame.  And even more importantly she continued to pray over us between her songs, calling for revival, for the Spirit to come, for change within us.  I downloaded her album that night.  I listen to it daily.  Every song is play worthy but one song in particular leaves me in tears and is my battle cry, my surrender, my life song all in one...

 Once and For All...

God I give You all I can today

These scattered ashes that are hid away 

I lay them all at Your feet

From the corners of my deepest shame

The empty places where I've worn Your name

Show me the love I say I believe

O Help me to lay it down

Oh, Lord I'll lay it down 

O let this be where I die

My Lord with thee crucified

Be lifted high as my kingdom fall

Once and for all, once and for all

There is victory in my saviors loss

and In the crimson flowing from the cross

Pour over me, pour over me

I lay it at your feet.  Show me Your love.  Help me.  Let me die to self.  Let me glorify You as my kingdom falls.  There is victory.  Pour over me.  Pour over me, Lord.  It’s an anthem of sorts.  

I sing it from the depths of my soul.  i scream it out.  I sometimes sob it out through streaming tears.  

Fear.  Humiliation.  Loss.  Longing.  

Missing old friends, old community groups where we got down to the nitty gritty...where we laughed, we loved and we ate some of the best food out there, missing weekly Driscoll sermons, missing Gideon, making mistakes in the workplace, worrying about how maternity leave will play out. 

You see, community group is this backbone for me.  It’s not just this thing that I do.  It’s where I get together with people who love Jesus like I do, people who I love and it’s what helps hold things together.  It’s not necessarily me bringing my cries to the group but taking what we experienced in the group and letting that lead me into a conversation with Christ, a deeper study, a richer soul.  I love Sunday mornings.  I love singing praise and worship.  I love scripture.  I don’t always love the themed sermons but I love the message.  But on Sunday, there’s no dialogue.  There’s no time for questions and answers.  There is no circling, holding hands, praying for fellowship and breaking of bread.  There’s no prayer requests.  No praises.  But unfortunately we have been out of group as our church suspends them during the summer and even in past semesters, either our jobs or vacation or sickness within the group has caused us to be absent.  So I long for those home group nights, those relationships.  I long for the things of yesteryear.  

....and there it is. The things of yesteryear.  Longing for those things that once were instead of living in the now.  

The joys of being a child.  Running around the trees.

Lately, I have been missing Gideon more and more.  Two of my friends have boys that are the same age as Gideon.  They started pre-K this year.  It was so sweet to see their first day of school photos yet it cut like a knife.  How would he have been in school?  How would he differ from Gabriel.  How would they be the same?  How would they get along?  I was thankful that Gabe was starting preschool so we could live in that moment for awhile and hold back the hurt of never experiencing so many firsts with our first the best we could.  

Enjoying the sounds of the chimes.  

Then thinking about him makes me think about our next and how will maternity leave work out?  Like all of Oklahoma women who do not have an EIB (extended illness bank), the thought of going without a real check for so long can wreak havoc on the nervous system.  Then a few days ago I was faced with the realization that I will also have to pay for my health insurance premium while I am off work.  Yuck.  Here I was just worried about paying for the regular list on my spreadsheet and now there is this added cost.  I’m not trying to gripe.  I am again thankful to have a job, to have insurance but I still worry.  

Then there’s work but that’s a whole other beast and a whole other blog post.  I love it.  I’m not going anywhere but somedays are harder than others and it can wear on you...like any job.  

So here is why I need community group.  Here is why I need Christ.  Here is why I have been screaming out these words as I drive to and from work, as I stand in the kitchen cooking and cleaning.   

Though I have worry, though I face trials and tribulation.  You have overcome.  You. Have. Overcome.

Help me Lord to lay it down.  Help me to live in the now.  Help me to let go of the bitterness that sometimes creeps inside.  Lord, let me die to myself.  Let me glorify You.  Let me seek You.  Pour over me.  Pour. Over. Me.  

He's back where he belongs.