…and we thought we knew...

“An intelligent heart acquires knowledge,

    and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” --Proverbs 18:15

Shortly after I graduated high school I moved away to Florida.  I had received a few scholarships to local schools but life was taking me elsewhere.  I didn’t go to college right away and instead took a job at The Bank of America.  Florida living is expensive.  I was quickly promoted to Teller Manager and transferred to another location.  I was 18 years old and managing women almost three times my age who had been doing this job for almost as long as I had been walking this earth.  I remember it being fun and aggravating and a lot of hours.  I remember flying back to see my family and while on the plane I was reading a book.  I had tons of books packed and it was a time when I could barely put them down.  I remember talking to the Tulsa Ballerina sitting next to me as I started to explain how odd it was for me to be reading any book that wasn’t a textbook.  Throughout school I rarely read anything that wasn’t a requirement.  But since graduating I had this hunger for knowledge that couldn’t be quenched.  I knew that working in a bank was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I had stood up at our Senior Tea and declared that I was going to be a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner and I needed to get started on that.  I still do not know who told me about nurse practitioners but that’s what I was going to be.  I knew it was time for me to get started.  My journey twisted and turned but I finally made it as an NP, only the pediatric kind. 

And now here I am, 6 years post graduation.  Whoa, 6 years out from graduating graduate school.  And again I have that unquenchable desire.  Lance and I have been throwing around the idea of me going back to school.   Let’s stop there.  There will be two types of people who read this and I can see they will probably be at polar opposites.  One group will say “that’s ridiculous” and the other would say “go get it.”   Or maybe those are the polar opposites that continue to play out in my head.  But here it is: I want to go to med school.  That’s right, med school.  I have been going back and forth for the past two years since starting my job in the ER and working in direct relationship with a few of the brightest minds out there.  I want that.  It excites me.  I want to possess that knowledge.  I don’t care about the pay or the title, (although to pay for school, I would need to make more money in the end) but I really just want the knowledge. 

But then on the flip side, I want to be mom.  I want to be wife.  med school would cause me to miss out on so much more than i already do.  I would not have the flexibility and freedom for t-ball, swim, the pumpkin patch, nap time snuggles and all of the other things that I enjoy taking him to or engaging with him in.  And let’s not get started on having another baby.    If I continue on an NP then we will have all of our debt paid off in 5 years.  If i go back to school then it will end up costing us almost a million dollars in the cost of school, interest and missed wages from having to quit my job for so many years.  I don’t mind the schoolwork, the long hours, the endless lectures.  I love school life.  I love late night cram sessions,  I love learning.  Then I thought, well i could just learn the content.  There is limitless university lectures online and a plethora of books and study material at my fingertips.  Lord, I even have pediatric board test prep books.  But I’m the type of person who needs to sit in a lecture and take notes.  Ample notes.  I require the structure of lecture and then as we all know we need that application piece.  If I learn something but then do not have the opportunity to apply it then it gets lost in the sea of random facts that may or may not be found when needed.  

I received an Np magazine yesterday in the mail.  On the cover a title read “NP to MD: Is it Worth it?”  and I was overjoyed.  More info.  More information to help me decide what is best.   But as i read through the article it told of a woman who was an empty nester who racked up 390,000 dollars in education loans to go to a traditional school and then of another woman who had her school paid for by a patient of hers in clinic and who went to a non-traditional school.  She went to Oceania University and did online classes for her first two years as she continued to work full time.  ...which neither of those stories really helped me.  i would have to pay my own tuition and we still have children at home.   The last woman in the article did say something that I am sure will make some of my NP friends a bit upset but I agree completely:

“I can understand why NPs in Missouri still must work collaboratively: There is still so much to learn.  I was an NP for years, and i was very good at what I did.  yet I have learned oceans and chasms and Grand Canyons full of things I did not know before.”  

I want that.

 So then I kick myself and wonder why I never even thought about going to med school before now.  People would ask if I was going to become a doctor throughout my nursing education.  I always belted out this resounding “no”.  I never imagined myself being a physician.  But now, here I am.  Here I am wanting to soak it all in.  Here I am tinkering with the idea.  I have requested my transcripts. I have studied for the MCAT.  Here I am waiting for God to show me, to tell me, to guide me.  I wait on the Lord.  And while I wait, I continue to enjoy freedom.  Gabe woke up twice last night in a fearful crying state.  Nightmares.  I went to comfort him and hold him.  I sang as many “Bless the Lord’s” and Silent Nights” as he wanted.  If I go to school, will I even have the energy to sing to him once?  I made his lunch this morning as he played around before school.  There was no rush, no prepackaged prepared food going in his pail and I enjoy that.  I drop him off almost everyday and on days that I do not work, I pick him up.  We play a lot.  We share a lot.  These are things that I would miss for many years.  

So here I am, waiting.  Waiting for God to show me a way or to put out the flame and show me something else.  

Waiting.  Living.  But waiting.  

“From of old no one has heard

    or perceived by the ear,

no eye has seen a God besides you,

    who acts for those who wait for him.” --Isaiah 64:4 

Gideon!

   

Pour over me...

“...I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”John 16:33

I’m not typically a fan of female singers.  I’m not sure exactly why.  It could be that their pitch is often too high, their voice too soft but I often catch myself skipping through my female counterparts and stopping on the men of music.  That is, until I find the girl with more “oomph” in her voice.  Possibly a little ruggedness, a little hurt, a little harshness...  When I first heard Lauren Daigle’s “How Can It Be” I remember pulling into the garage around one in the morning from work and just being in awe as I sat there until it had finished.  I had failed to look her up on iTunes until many weeks later after attending a concert she had performed at.  She was amazing, stunning really and she had this huge sound that came from this petite frame.  And even more importantly she continued to pray over us between her songs, calling for revival, for the Spirit to come, for change within us.  I downloaded her album that night.  I listen to it daily.  Every song is play worthy but one song in particular leaves me in tears and is my battle cry, my surrender, my life song all in one...

 Once and For All...

God I give You all I can today

These scattered ashes that are hid away 

I lay them all at Your feet

From the corners of my deepest shame

The empty places where I've worn Your name

Show me the love I say I believe

O Help me to lay it down

Oh, Lord I'll lay it down 

O let this be where I die

My Lord with thee crucified

Be lifted high as my kingdom fall

Once and for all, once and for all

There is victory in my saviors loss

and In the crimson flowing from the cross

Pour over me, pour over me

I lay it at your feet.  Show me Your love.  Help me.  Let me die to self.  Let me glorify You as my kingdom falls.  There is victory.  Pour over me.  Pour over me, Lord.  It’s an anthem of sorts.  

I sing it from the depths of my soul.  i scream it out.  I sometimes sob it out through streaming tears.  

Fear.  Humiliation.  Loss.  Longing.  

Missing old friends, old community groups where we got down to the nitty gritty...where we laughed, we loved and we ate some of the best food out there, missing weekly Driscoll sermons, missing Gideon, making mistakes in the workplace, worrying about how maternity leave will play out. 

You see, community group is this backbone for me.  It’s not just this thing that I do.  It’s where I get together with people who love Jesus like I do, people who I love and it’s what helps hold things together.  It’s not necessarily me bringing my cries to the group but taking what we experienced in the group and letting that lead me into a conversation with Christ, a deeper study, a richer soul.  I love Sunday mornings.  I love singing praise and worship.  I love scripture.  I don’t always love the themed sermons but I love the message.  But on Sunday, there’s no dialogue.  There’s no time for questions and answers.  There is no circling, holding hands, praying for fellowship and breaking of bread.  There’s no prayer requests.  No praises.  But unfortunately we have been out of group as our church suspends them during the summer and even in past semesters, either our jobs or vacation or sickness within the group has caused us to be absent.  So I long for those home group nights, those relationships.  I long for the things of yesteryear.  

....and there it is. The things of yesteryear.  Longing for those things that once were instead of living in the now.  

The joys of being a child.  Running around the trees.

Lately, I have been missing Gideon more and more.  Two of my friends have boys that are the same age as Gideon.  They started pre-K this year.  It was so sweet to see their first day of school photos yet it cut like a knife.  How would he have been in school?  How would he differ from Gabriel.  How would they be the same?  How would they get along?  I was thankful that Gabe was starting preschool so we could live in that moment for awhile and hold back the hurt of never experiencing so many firsts with our first the best we could.  

Enjoying the sounds of the chimes.  

Then thinking about him makes me think about our next and how will maternity leave work out?  Like all of Oklahoma women who do not have an EIB (extended illness bank), the thought of going without a real check for so long can wreak havoc on the nervous system.  Then a few days ago I was faced with the realization that I will also have to pay for my health insurance premium while I am off work.  Yuck.  Here I was just worried about paying for the regular list on my spreadsheet and now there is this added cost.  I’m not trying to gripe.  I am again thankful to have a job, to have insurance but I still worry.  

Then there’s work but that’s a whole other beast and a whole other blog post.  I love it.  I’m not going anywhere but somedays are harder than others and it can wear on you...like any job.  

So here is why I need community group.  Here is why I need Christ.  Here is why I have been screaming out these words as I drive to and from work, as I stand in the kitchen cooking and cleaning.   

Though I have worry, though I face trials and tribulation.  You have overcome.  You. Have. Overcome.

Help me Lord to lay it down.  Help me to live in the now.  Help me to let go of the bitterness that sometimes creeps inside.  Lord, let me die to myself.  Let me glorify You.  Let me seek You.  Pour over me.  Pour. Over. Me.  

He's back where he belongs.