The rhetoric...

Recently, my husband overheard a conversation about “tramp stamps”.  He was engaged in a conversation of his own but he wanted to comment so badly.  He chose to keep his opinions to himself...well, at least until the ride home.  It’s not the first time he has held his words back when overhearing the tramp stamp talk.  Recently, he also made it known how bothered he becomes when people make blonde jokes.  He’s protective and I love him for it but truthfully it bothers him more than I.  I just smile and tell him it’s okay.  When it comes up in conversations of my own, I only sit and listen.  You see, I have one of those “tramp stamps” also known as a tattoo on the small of my back.  I’ve had it since I was 19...right along with my belly ring (which I still love both and regret nothing about them!) and I’ve been some shade of blonde all of my life.  But those things don’t define me.  Well, some people do choose to define me by those descriptors but that girl in the blonde joke isn’t me.  That tramp you refer to isn’t me either.  I’m a mother of two boys.  I’m a wife to the same man I’ve been in a relationship with for the past 8 years without any hint of infidelity.  I have an associate’s degree, a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree.  I graduated in the top of my class.  I have a successful career.  That tramp and dumb blonde aren’t who I am.  Sure, I am socially awkward at best as my brain is searching around for the next topic of conversation but that is the introvert in me and I sometimes blurp out that my son is 20 months because somehow my mind got off track to Gideon and his age and then the age difference between him and Gabe and him to another child... 

These things, although they are more accurate than the aforementioned, are not truly who I am either.  As I have said before, I am a child of God.  This is who I am.  I could lose my husband, my job, my children but they are not my identity.  Christ is my identity.     

Maybe this is why it bothers Lance more than it does me.  It’s easy for us to get caught up in our accomplishments and want to defend them but we have to remember that it is all temporary.  It’s easier for me to hold onto that for myself than it is for him to hold onto that for me.  The role is often reversed when I hear police bashing and I automatically go into protect mode...even though he may not be active any longer, he will always be a police officer.  When he was active, he was often brushing it off and calming me down.  He was the one telling me to hold my facebook posts.  So I get it.  But again, that’s not who he truly is.  

When I get to Heaven, God isn’t going to care about the sunset on my back or that I went to graduate school.  He’s going to want to know if I knew Him.  Did I know Jesus?  Did I love Jesus?  Did I show the love of Jesus when I was here on earth?  Those qualities are what truly matter.  

So I say all of that to say this, it doesn’t matter what label society has placed on you.  It doesn’t matter what you have or what you don’t have when it comes to material things and social standards.  The only thing that matters is Jesus.  Find your identity in Christ.  

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.  --Psalm 62:6-7 

I hope that as we raise our children, we will ground them so heavily in this truth that their spirit may not be broken by mere words of another.  

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.--Proverbs 31:30

For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.  --1 Thessalonians 2:11-12  

Blonde curls.  Blue eyes.

My tattoo!  On the beach of Gulf Shores.

My loves and the vast beauty of God's creation behind them.  Family vaca to Gulf Shores.

the wait in us...

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
    and by night, but I find no rest.  --Psalm 22:1-2

We have been studying the story of Joseph over the last few weeks in our series entitled “Overcome.”  Today, Pastor Alex gave me a terrific quote/piece of advice/self examination tool.  Call it what you will...

Why is it so hard to remain patient?  Because too often we feel forgotten. 

I wrote the words down quickly.  In too many places in my life, I could easily apply this.  From something simple--waiting in line at Quik-trip, knowing it was my turn but I was “overlooked” as they waited on the people around me.  Or the time when we were in Aruba and all I needed was a pen so I could write down info for our roof replacement.  I went to the “guest services” desk and was referred to the front desk.  I waited in line at the front desk for 15 minutes, then a guy came up from the side, questioned the bell-hop for some change who then interrupted the only guy working at the front desk which then placed an even longer wait.  Instances like these, I get so worked up.  Did you not see me standing here?  Clearly, I was next.  IT’S MY TURN!!  I completely lose my patience.  Sometimes I say something very passive aggressively.  Sometimes my poor husband has to hear all about it because even though it bothered me to no end, I still said nothing and continued to be “overlooked” or “forgotten.”  And then there are those serious times when I am questioning God... Why are we going through this colic phase again?  We did this.  Remember, we did this once before.  We made it through the colic only to meet the worst end.  Couldn’t you please heal the colic this time around?  Did you forget?  One in five babies have colic.  We were 2 for 2.  Hello, up there.  Or the...seriously, it’s my turn to be pregnant.  You keep showing me all of these moms with bellies, new babies and still nothing for me.  Remember, we lost ours?  We are needing a little something here.  Have you forgotten me?  ...and those weren’t even serious waiting times.  Gabe had colic for the typical 3 months.  Between losing Gideon and becoming pregnant with Gabe, we waited a total of approximately 6 months.  That’s it.  I have friends who waited years to become pregnant and some who are still waiting.  I have friends who lost children to genetic disorders only to lose another.  

But still, in my circumstance, in my self centeredness, I question, “have you forgotten?”  

The Bible says that He knows us.  

“You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” 

--Psalm 139:1-13

But in my self pity, in my self loathing, I quickly forget.  I forget that He has promised me good.  I forget that the work that He is doing in me now is preparing me for something in the future.  I forget.  Patience stinks.  Patience especially stinks when there is hurt involved.  And it stinks even more when there is hurt involved and we think our Healer has forgotten us.  

But we can look to the Psalms and remember that He KNOWS us.  He knows our wants, our desires, our needs but more so, He knows what is best.  Joseph is a true depiction of someone who consistently seemingly is being “forgotten.”  Constantly, he is forgotten by those he lives with, works for, gives hope to.  And if not knowing the whole story, we could easily look and think that God has too forgotten Joseph.  But Joseph keeps on.  Through his waiting, he is patient.  He continues with his work for God.  Like Pastor Alex said, though his circumstances continued to change from good to bad and full circle again and again, Joseph knew who he was in God and he held on to that throughout all of his days.  

So as we continue on this journey we call “life,” like Joseph, I will try to remember who I am in Christ because although my circumstances may change, my God is my foundation and my salvation and through Him I can have JOY.  Glory to Christ that through His death, I will never be forsaken.  

If you are looking for a home church, I would love to invite you to our church, theChurch.at/midtown check it out.  We would love to save you a seat and grab some lunch!  We go to the 11:30 service so we have plenty of time for lazy, family , pancake making Sunday mornings:-) 

Daddy catching Gabe as he jumps off the rock wall at church.  He's always so excited to go and see his friends.  

Though you ruin me...

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

 In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong. -- Job 1:20-22

This is my hardest week of all of the year.  When March rolls around, memories flood through my heart, they fill my mind.  This is the week I grieve the most.  3 years.  It seems almost impossible that an entire three years have almost passed since I have last seen my first son alive and well.  It has not became easier.  Time has not healed all wounds.  I can still replay the day my phone rang while sitting in my office.  I can still visualize every inch of the lifeless body I laid my eyes on when opening the back of that ambulance truck.  I can still feel every ounce of hurt, of ache, of loss.  Yet still, I can be encouraged.

Near the end of February, I heard a sermon that mentioned this short scripture of Job.  It was constantly in the back of my mind.  Here is Job, once at the height of his life and quickly all is lost.  It is all destroyed.  What does he do?  He strips his clothes off and shaves his head (sounds like something a drunk Noah may do) but he did it out of reverence for God.  He gave God his everything.  He came before God completely humbled.  He came to God vulnerable.  He could have blamed God for everything.  He could have been spiteful.  He could have been angered at God.  He could have turned in his faith, given up, lost hope in this being who he thought had loved him but surely couldn’t seeing as to how he had taken everything and brought much pain in his life.  But he didn’t.  He chose to give every last bit and then he did something even more amazing, He praised God.  

“...blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job takes the time here to praise God.  He is thanking Him in this simple statement.  Job knows that everything comes from God.  Everything belongs to God.  And God alone is worthy of our praise.  God had just allowed Satan to destroy his livelihood and all of his family.  Here is Job: no work, no money, no home, no children.  He hadn’t been involved in some ponzi scheme and therefore “deserved” to lose his business, his income, based on our standards.  He simply lost everything because Satan thought had he taken it all, he would have stopped following God.  Satan thought that had Job not been blessed, he would not love the Lord.  But God knew his heart.  He knew he would not falter.  He allowed destruction, defeat and heart ache to come upon Job.  But Job, instead of cursing God, went a step further and gave God all that he had left.  He became that much more vulnerable.   

There is so much teaching in that one chapter of Job.  God knew Job’s heart.  He knew that the riches of Job were not tied to his happiness in God.  Job’s possessions were not his joy.  God knew Job had a faith and a heart for God.  I can only pray that when the events were taking place leading up to that March 8th day and then those few days in the PICU, God was able to say, “behold, all that she has in your hand” because he knew me, he knew my heart and he knew that my hope is in Him and not of the world.  

More importantly than seeing Job in this story, you see Jesus in Job.  Jesus was blameless.  Jesus was upright and without sin.  Jesus left his throne.  He lost everything.  He suffered.  Satan tried to tempt him.  He was brutally beaten and scourged.  Satan thought he could turn Jesus as well.  But Jesus held onto the only one who matters.  He kept his sight on God.  And thankfully because of that faith, we now have a promise.  I now know that I too will one day be in Heaven.  I will stand face to face with Gideon.  I will bow in the presence of Jesus.  

Be encouraged by Job as you go through loss, as old loss memorializes anniversary.  Remember to keep your eyes on Jesus.  Find Jesus.  Thank Jesus.  

Going along with this is Shane and Shane’s "Though You Slay Me" with John Piper.  Take time to listen.  I’ve shared this on my FB page before but never in a blog.  It’s a good song for the suffering.    

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship.

Although this week is one of my hardest, it will not ruin me.  I will remain in chasing after God’s heart.  i will continue to praise His name.  I will remember those huge blue eyes and smile.  I will keep my joy.