Though I am weak, You are strong

11-2-11

This pregnancy has been a different experience for Lance and me.  Although all of my symptoms have been the same, this pregnancy has been a completely different experience.  First, we were coming into this pregnancy after the loss of our son.  We had once held our precious boy in our arms and felt that love and connection but it had been ripped away from us and this time we knew that feeling as a couple whereas before we didn’t know what it was like to have a child together.  So this pregnancy was already different.  We both knew how much the little bundle that would soon be growing inside my belly would teach us and we were already anticipating having the sounds of baby, the smells of baby, the joy of baby fill our house. 

Second, we had to wait.  God did not just give us a new pregnancy on our first try like He did with Gideon.  No, this time we had to wait 6 months before we got a plus sign.  Again and again, we were reminded that our plan is not always the best plan, that what we wants isn’t always what God has in store for us.  And we had to realize that what God wants should be what we want.  His plan should be our plan and although it may “stink’, ultimately it is far better than what we would have in store for ourselves. 

Third, our first ultrasound experience was very different.  I read two weeks earlier than calculated so we just got more time stacked onto the due date.  The tech was rushed and we didn’t get to see the best images—partly also because it was so often.  And then we didn’t get any photos--again, completely different.

Now, here we are at 12 weeks with no real, tangible proof that I am pregnant, that God is molding a little being inside of me and still all the while missing our sweet son and wishing he were here to be the big brother.  I have been feeling the baby move low in my belly for the past week.  The movements are so light that Lance can’t feel all of the flutter so he is separated from the connection.  He was in need of getting to hear the heartbeat and honestly, so was I.  He asked on the way to the appointment, “So we will be able to hear the heartbeat today, right?”  “I really need to hear the heartbeat.  I need something.”  So when the doctor tried to pick up a beat with the Doppler and there was no success, our hearts sank.  He excused himself from the room.  I thought that he was going to get a different Doppler and try again.  During that time, the questions came…what do we do if he can’t find it?  Do we go for an ultrasound?  Then he came back with the laptop ultrasound machine.  We had to wait 15 minutes for it to warm up.  He left while it was warming and there was a lot of praying happening again in that room.  Pleading for movement, pleading for a heartbeat, pleading for a perfect God made baby developing inside of me.  He came back in, placed the wand on my stomach and instantly we were able to see our baby--his heart just fluttering away.  His arms and legs reaching for the sky as his butt bounced off the bottom of my trampoline uterus.  This was very reminiscent of Gideon during bathtime as we often had to pull him back into his little tub.  Lance was ecstatic.  The joy overflowed us both but it was truly touching to see the gift that God had given Lance.  He had gone in with the simple hope of hearing his child’s heart for the first time but God knew better what he needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  Isaiah 55:8

I know that many more things will probably be different and there will be more bumps along the road but it is important that we seek His plan not our own and remember…

…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose—Romans 8:28   Not that all things will be sunshine and roses but God makes all things good. :-)

What are you waiting for???

Yesterday I got word that someone who I am very close to and love very much was a having a rough time.  He was in desperate need of prayer.  About 8 months ago, he had given his life to the Lord and now he was being faced with some serious trials as a result of earlier circumstances.  Among other things, he was really wrestling with whether he was a good dad.  Three out of four of his girls from a previous marriage had recently decided that they wanted to move more than an hour away to live with their mom. He had put off for quite some time allowing this move to take place but he finally felt like he had no other choice but to let them go.  During their time there, their trips back here have been few and far between.  Their 3 year old sister repeatedly asks “where are my sisters” and “when will I see them.”  To which there is no good answer that she would understand.  For the past three years, she has lived a life that involved them every day and now they are gone.  He also has had to deal with questions from us, asking when they would return and when we will be able to see them.  Again, he has no answer.  And again he has his own worries.  What are they doing?  Are they safe?  Are they getting into trouble?  Are they doing well in school? (Not that their mother didn’t worry about the same things but these things are consequences of divorce and a topic for another post—this is to merely express the hardship and the trial that he was enduring and continues to endure.)  So not only is he having to absorb everyone’s questions and concerns but his own concerns and then he has to deal with his own loss, his own feelings of missing them and his own broken heart.   Well Friday, they were supposed to come back for the weekend but for some reason they didn’t.  He had been in a good mood, awaiting their arrival until he got the news.  It was then that he began to show his vulnerability and his weakness.  It was then that we, as a loving family, were able to see just how well he was doing.  It was then that we were able to see just how much he needed our love and prayer. 

So last night on my way home, I called Lance and asked him to be praying for him.  And as I got off the phone, I too began praying for him.  I knew that others were also praying.  I asked that God confirm in his heart, in whatever way he seemed fit, that he is a good father.  I asked for open eyes on behalf of his girls but more so that he will be given reassurance that he has done a good job and although mom’s house may be the fun place to be and it may keep them away during these teenage years, that he will know that he is loved and that he will always be their dad in the true meaning of the word.    

This afternoon there was a post on his wall from possibly his most rebelliously spirited daughter that read something along these lines:

dear dad.
i listen to a lot of country, christian music.
i'm at my friends house, &' i heard my little girl play on my phone.
it made me realize &' think real hard.
even though, i told you i hated you a million times.
deep down, i love you.
i'm a teenager going through my phases, thinking i'm better than anyone.
but i'm not.
i'm just as equal, as anybody else.
i've thought about everybody in Catoosa, but i've thought about little Gideon &' Tristany the most.
if Gideon were here, he'd want me to visit him as much as possible.
i realize, that i don't visit as often as i shoud.
i realize, that Tristany's only three &' doesn't understand why her sister is gone.
i realize, that Catoosa, gets a visit from me very, very, seldom.
but, i just wanted to say, that i think of you, &' Tristany, all the time.
i pray, that you guys are safe, everynight.
dad, i'm always going to be, your little girl. ♥

God is waiting for your prayers, for your honesty, for your humility in your brokenness.  What are you waiting for?