...rejoice in the Lord. -Philippians 3:1
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. —Philippians 4:4
As 2021 was drawing to a close, I felt the dam break. The emotions, the anger, the anxiety, the fear I had been allowing to build for nearly two years finally released. For two years I had fought feelings of inadequacy, feelings of unworthiness, feelings of being used and abused. I had fought feeling as though at any given moment, the rug was going to be ripped out from underneath me. I feared losing our home, our kids’ private education, our stability. My schedule was all over the place. I had gone from being highly utilized and essential to a place of feeling like I could get fired any day because the hours just weren’t there to keep all of us and if we griped or contested then that risk felt even higher. When I would finally get settled in and comfortable with the current state of affairs, a new disruption would hit. I felt as though God was slapping me, trying to get my attention, setting me towards something else but not seeing what the something else was—which only brought more frustration. In the beginning of 2021, I chose to go part-time. In part, so the risk of our current group losing another employee was lessened, in part because I was not in agreement with what the model was going to look like and in part because I just needed to step away. For months, I didn’t work. Thankfully, God knew what was going to happen and he positioned us in a place where financially it was feasible for a season. A friend had told me that though we thought we were paying things off for this or saving for that, God had us set us out on that journey for other reasons and this just happened to be that reason. But it wasn’t what we had planned and it was uncomfortable. Then after finally paying off that student debt, I found out that I’m going to need another certification to keep my position—the one that I had been doing for 8 years. That certification was going to require going back to school and paying tuition—something I thought I was done with. Again, not what I had planned. So, by the time December came, I was drained and spent. But God spoke to me on Gideon’s birthday and reminded me to rejoice. I had been waiting for him to give me the plan, the blueprint, my checklist of what to do. But he simply told me to rejoice. Rejoice in him. Rejoice in Jesus. Rejoice in my salvation. Rejoice in that one day I will stand in the presence of Jesus and I will be in amazement of his glory and goodness. As the year ended and the new year began, I held onto that word. I made it my intention this year to worship.
Worship isn’t just Sunday mornings standing in church, singing to God with my hands lifted in praise. It’s not just listening to Shane and Shane on my drive into work or drop off and pick up. Worship can be found in everything that I do. Worship should be a part of everything I do. And that worship should be to God to bring glory to God. The “Daily Devo” app has helped me stay on track. This morning’s devotional spoke about God giving us the desires of our hearts. It spoke about how we wrestle with unmet desires, unmet Godly desires. It’s hard for us to sometimes see that he is working in us, that he is developing a path, a way to make that desire come to be truth and fact. Almost 11 years ago, when we lost Gideon, there was no stronger desire of my heart than to have him back—and one day I will see that come true—just not this side of Heaven. But secondly, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. However, I was $80,000 deep in student loan debt and without a miraculous change in events and circumstances, financially it wasn’t going to happen. But God brought me lots of people and circumstances that allowed me to have more time with the babies that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. And these past two years haven’t been any different from that. Granted, they’ve been harder. They’ve squeezed me more. I definitely didn’t always handle them with grace. They haven’t looked as though I had wished but they have brought about change that has led to me being more available, at home more, actively mom more of the time. In April of 2020, I was scheduled for 170+ hours for the month. That month, my hours were cut to around 80. And though I went part-time with the desire to return to full-time, that too changed. This morning’s devotional resonated and spoke to me because this has been my desire. Working less, staying at home more, being the available mom has been my desire and I am living that out. These are those days. They are tough at times and scary and filled with the unknown but they are here and now. I have a savior who loves me, who does push me, who does teach me to be more reliant, who does answer the Godly desires of my heart and in him I will rejoice. Rejoice. Again I will say, rejoice.
 |
| Easter weekend 2010--when we found out we were pregnant with Gideon. |
