You saw to the other side...

  

 

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  —Hebrews 12:2-3

Last night, as I was packing up the house I found an old journal. The first and only actual journal entry in it was an account of why I was leaving my clinic position of 4 years.  As I read through the entry, tears fell like rain.  The entry was raw—full of emotion.  I had been hurting.  I had been struggling.  I wanted God’s plan for me but I didn’t know all of what that would entail but I knew it meant leaving my position.  I knew it would mean stepping out in faith. I knew it would mean giving up a nice salary with bonuses and stability, with a husband only working part time and enrolled in school and leaning in on God that he was going to provide me with something new, something better.  On August 14, 2013, I wrote, “Tonight, I journal so I can leave a trail of God’s promise, so that when that devil comes, I can show him this is why I left.”  I wanted the record so there was no doubt.  I wrote the reasons I felt God was calling me to leave.  There were many reasons ranging from too much drive time and not enough wake time with Gabe  to feeling like a cash cow to an at times hostile work environment to feeling like I spent more time with other people’s kids than my own, to simply the memories the office held of our fatal day with Gideon.  I ended the entry, “I trust in Him and like Gideon, I am putting it out on the lawn, praying He brings the dew.”  This Gideon was the Gideon of the Bible of course and not my son.  In Judges 6, Gideon knows the plan.  He knows exactly what he is to do but still he asks for a sign.  He lays out his fleece, asking for it to be wet and the ground to be dry and then again the next night asks for another sign that the fleece be dry and the ground wet with dew even though he was given the sign on that first night.  He asks for these two signs even after seeing the angel of the Lord, asking for a sign it is truly the Lord and having that sign given.  Three times Gideon asked for a sign that he was truly to fight the Midianites.  God didn’t have to but three times he gave him the sign.  When I wrote my journal entry, I wasn’t necessarily asking God to give me a sign that I was to quit.  I knew that I was supposed to leave but I was asking for a sign on the other side that He truly was with me.  It’s strange and it’s flesh but it happens.  Gideon knew what he was to do but he struggled with feelings of inadequacy.  His clan was the weakest and he was the least in his family.  He had almost gotten killed because he cut down the altar to Baal and built an alar to God after God told him to do it.  I knew I was supposed to leave but how was my family going to survive.  How would the bills get paid?  Gideon questions the plan.  How, at his own hand, will Israel be saved?  How were we going to get money?  What job was waiting for me on the other side?  I too, wanted the proof of the plan and not just the catalyst.  My “proof” didn’t come until 2 months later—17 days before my last day of employment.  On September 13, I spoke with the medical director of the Saint Francis Pediatric Emergency Center.  The details of that conversation were jotted down just 2 pages over from my “leaving” entry.  When I saw the notes last night, I couldn’t help but giggle.  I hadn’t written the notes as an entry of “proof.”  However, that’s exactly what it was as I look back nearly 9 years later.  

This move in my career was one of the most pivotal times in my life.  This is one of the most concrete, vivid experiences where I knew God was calling me to action, to act in faith, to trust in Him.  He was faithful.  I have shared with Lance and a few others that the selling of our house is another pivotal moment in our life.  It will mean financial freedom.  It will mean a woman who is more present as wife and as mom.  It will mean the fulfilling of a promise I was given over 11 years ago.  I don’t know where we will land, what he will have for us in the end.  We sold with a camper to live in but nothing to buy, nothing to build on.  I have felt like God was going to provide a house with land, with the necessities to live simply and to have our small farm life.  But he had not shone it to me when we listed, when we accepted an offer.   I do know he drew out the home we found last week that I inquired about.  I do know he set in me a spirit of boldness in that moment to step out in faith.  I know he is the reason I received a text back from the owner stating she wasn’t interested in selling previously but after seeing our offer, she now is.  I know that wherever we land, whatever happens, this is His will and our act of faith will not be questioned. I will use this “journal entry” as the proof that our God is good even when we don’t know the plan.  I know I follow a God who suffered a death of scourging, of beating, of hanging on a cross, because he saw to the other side.  He died for me and my sins. He died for me and my questioning.  He died for the joy of having me restored.  I may not know the details of what is on the other side of this move but I serve a God who does and in that I will rejoice and have joy.   I will not grow weary or lose heart.   

My notes from my phone conversation for my job in  the PEC.  I love how Micki's name is on the 3rd line down.  She has become my best friend and I cherish her dearly.  

  

Again, I will say rejoice...

...rejoice in the Lord. -Philippians 3:1

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  —Philippians 4:4

As 2021 was drawing to a close, I felt the dam break.  The emotions, the anger, the anxiety, the fear I had been allowing to build for nearly two years finally released.  For two years I had fought feelings of inadequacy, feelings of unworthiness, feelings of being used and abused.  I had fought feeling as though at any given moment, the rug was going to be ripped out from underneath me.  I feared losing our home, our kids’ private education, our stability.  My schedule was all over the place.  I had gone from being highly utilized and essential to a place of feeling like I could get fired any day because the hours just weren’t there to keep all of us and if we griped or contested then that risk felt even higher.  When I would finally get settled in and comfortable with the current state of affairs, a new disruption would hit.  I felt as though God was slapping me, trying to get my attention, setting me towards something else but not seeing what the something else was—which only brought more frustration.  In the beginning of 2021, I chose to go part-time.  In part, so the risk of our current group losing another employee was lessened, in part because I was not in agreement with what the model was going to look like and in part because I just needed to step away.  For months, I didn’t work.  Thankfully, God knew what was going to happen and he positioned us in a place where financially it was feasible for a season.  A friend had told me that though we thought we were paying things off for this or saving for that, God had us set us out on that journey for other reasons and this just happened to be that reason.  But it wasn’t what we had planned and it was uncomfortable.    Then after finally paying off that student debt, I found out that I’m going to need another certification to keep my position—the one that I had been doing for 8 years.  That certification was going to require going back to school and paying tuition—something I thought I was done with.  Again, not what I had planned.  So, by the time December came, I was drained and spent.  But God spoke to me on Gideon’s birthday and reminded me to rejoice.  I had been waiting for him to give me the plan, the blueprint, my checklist of what to do.  But he simply told me to rejoice.  Rejoice in him.  Rejoice in Jesus.  Rejoice in my salvation.  Rejoice in that one day I will stand in the presence of Jesus and I will be in amazement of his glory and goodness.  As the year ended and the new year began, I held onto that word.  I made it my intention this year to worship.  

Worship isn’t just Sunday mornings standing in church, singing to God with my hands lifted in praise.  It’s not just listening to Shane and Shane on my drive into work or drop off and pick up.  Worship can be found in everything that I do.  Worship should be a part of everything I do.  And that worship should be to God to bring glory to God.  The “Daily Devo” app has helped me stay on track.  This morning’s devotional spoke about God giving us the desires of our hearts.  It spoke about how we wrestle with unmet desires, unmet Godly desires.  It’s hard for us to sometimes see that he is working in us, that he is developing a path, a way to make that desire come to be truth and fact.  Almost 11 years ago, when we lost Gideon, there was no stronger desire of my heart than to have him back—and one day I will see that come true—just not this side of Heaven.  But secondly, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  However, I was $80,000 deep in student loan debt and without a miraculous change in events and circumstances, financially it wasn’t going to happen.  But God brought me lots of people and circumstances that allowed me to have more time with the babies that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  And these past two years haven’t been any different from that.  Granted, they’ve been harder.  They’ve squeezed me more.  I definitely didn’t always handle them with grace.  They haven’t looked as though I had wished but they have brought about change that has led to me being more available, at home more, actively mom more of the time.  In April of 2020, I was scheduled for 170+ hours for the month.  That month, my hours were cut to around 80.  And though I went part-time with the desire to return to full-time, that too changed.  This morning’s devotional resonated and spoke to me because this has been my desire.  Working less, staying at home more, being the available mom has been my desire and I am living that out.  These are those days.  They are tough at times and scary and filled with the unknown but they are here and now.  I have a savior who loves me, who does push me, who does teach me to be more reliant, who does answer the Godly desires of my heart and in him I will rejoice.  Rejoice. Again I will say, rejoice.   

Easter weekend 2010--when we found out we were pregnant with Gideon.