“My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.” Psalm 25: 15-17
Can I be real? Like super vulnerable real? I know I share in my loss, in that struggle and I have shared the “freaking out” moments but this is a “real” that I have probably struggled with since elementary school. Truth—today, I cried because I felt like I didn’t have any close friends. Today, I cried because I haven’t made any real connections at Gabe’s school and I feel like such an outsider. Today, I cried because I feel socially awkward, like the odd girl out, like the outsider. I’m 37. I’m 37, yet I cried because I feel like I am always watching other moms, other women engage in conversations and enjoying relationships while I just watch. I just watch, hoping to be brought in, hoping to be a part, wondering why it seems so easy for some and so plain hard for me.
Many of you have that close group of girlfriends. You share everything with one another. You have coffee dates, playdates, nights out and you have texts on repeat. This post isn’t for you. This post is for those women who just find it hard to connect with other women. This post is for those women who covet those close knit relationships. For those women who have weekly friend dates and seem to make friendships look so easy, I see you and I envy you. But for those moms who feel isolated at their son’s friends’ birthday parties or school events, I’m living life right there with you.
I once had a mom of a patient refer to me when speaking to one of the nurses as the “pretty one, who was probably popular and a cheerleader.” Could she have been further from the truth. We couldn’t afford cheerleading so unless me dressing up in this little nautical outfit that had a blue pleated skirt with built in shorts underneath while I clapped my hands screamed out “ready, okay” followed by cheers and awkward arm movements on my back porch that I had heard from pep rallies counts then no, not a cheerleader. And although I felt well accepted, I would not say popular. No one was rushing me to be by my side. And “pretty”is subjective. Let’s keep it in perspective and that I didn’t really have cheek bones til I was 19. Making friends has always been weird for me. I almost always feel out of place. Once, Lance and I had Gabe and Cadence at a local school’s playground. Another mom of a child around Gabe’s age, drifted towards me. She asked a few questions, made a few comments as she watched her son. I did the same in return then I became engulfed in my children and drifted away. As we were leaving, Lance made the comment about how she was trying to make friends with me. I didn’t see it. I thought she was just making small talk because she was standing a foot from me watching her child. I joked that I should send out a craigslist post, “Lost connection: seemingly random nice woman at the elementary playground around 2:41 in the afternoon, who my husband says was trying to potentially make a friendship. —socially blind woman.”
I had very few real friends growing up. I hear about “friends since elementary” and I can’t recall having a best friend at my elementary school. I do remember sitting in a circle of girls and one of the girls telling me that I “breathed too loudly”. Does that count? Maybe she was just keeping it real. I had friends in middle school, junior high, high school. Usually I had only one or two who I was actually close with. Only one or two who I could actually just relax and enjoy being around. Only one or two I would hang out with outside of school and call from my own private line with my rotary phone. But for various reasons we stopped being so close. And while, I have a handful of women I am still “friends” with, we aren’t close. I didn’t have a typical college experience so I didn’t join a sorority. I didn’t make college roommate lifetime friendships but I did get one friend from graduate school and I’m so incredibly thankful for her. Too bad she lives 15+ hours away. And I have work friends and church friends, from years past and current, who if I needed something or if they needed something then that something would be taken care of. But we aren’t sending each other daily texts, meeting up for playdates or coffee breaks. I have a few who I enjoy outside of work activities with but today, today I was thinking of the (lack of) friends I have made since Gabe started at his school. Today, I struggled with “is it always going to be this way?” “Is it always going to be this hard?”
Don’t get me wrong, the people at Gabe’s school are very nice and sweet. But today, and on most days, I feel like they already have their circles made and I’m not going to break in. Have you ever found yourself searching for the other “new mom” so that maybe you can make your own circle. Well, I do. I offered to hold a baby of one of the dad’s so he could help his son on an obstacle. He was polite and told me she was okay and his son wasn’t interested anymore. Both true statements and I thought nothing more of it. Then, probably not even 30 seconds later, one of the other moms went and got the baby from him. Probably harmless. But still that doubt and insecurity started to creep in. I wasn’t going to hurt the baby. I wasn’t trying to hit on him. I don’t have cooties. Then as I stood there, on the outside walls, watching Gabe play, I also noticed how the moms were circling up, engaged in conversation, laughter, trying out the obstacles for themselves. And I was just overwhelmed with this sense of loneliness. You could probably see me sink further into myself. I longed for Lance. He is my all time best friend. He would be buffering the awkwardness and either chatting up the moms and dads or standing isolated right next to me as we made our own jokes, told our own stories and attempted the obstacles for ourselves. But he wasn’t there. I called him on my way home and began to cry. Does it have to be so hard? Should I even care? And the answer to both of those is probably and honestly “no”.
I am who God made me to be. He can free me from this loneliness. He can relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. I am weird and socially awkward and somewhat politically incorrect. But I’m also loving and caring and kind. I am married to a man with a twisted sense of humor who has slightly corrupted me and I have beautiful children who I can stare at all day long, who thankfully, are pretty loving themselves. So, hopefully the next time I feel that isolation and loneliness, I will remember that Jesus has already freed me and I will remember the gifts He has given and I don’t have to be “lonely” any longer.
I pray that if you too feel alone and isolated that you would be encouraged by these words. You are not alone in those thoughts. I have them too and more importantly, God has freed us from the real loneliness that comes with the separation from him. Through Christ, we now have lasting relationship and friendship with him. Through Christ, we are alone no more. If you do not know Jesus, let me tell you about him. He’s the best friendship I’ve ever made. Love, Brandi
