WARNING!!! This post is a bit personal. I talk about woman things and such..like boobs...nope, not those ones, I mean the kind that produce milk and that hungry babies use for nourishment..and other lady norms...like the kind that requires sanitary napkins and such. So, if you can handle that imagery, then read on. If not, then please stop now before you and I embarrass ourselves any further.
Today was one of my most productive days in quite awhile. I mean the kind of productive where you get to do something that you want to do (not that you have to do) and then you get to look at your work and just be glad. That kind of productive. We are all for the most part productive everyday. But this is a different kind of productivity. This is the thing that makes you feel like you actually did something and didn’t just get pushed along by the tide of life. That’s it! That’s how things have been feeling lately. From work to feedings, to naptime rituals and storytime, to diaper changes and wardrobe changes, to baseball practice and piano lessons and piano practice and swim lessons, school pick-up and school drop off, homework, napping here, sleeping there, crying over there...the list of things to do never stops. I joke to Lance that before bedtime rituals, is when I am the most optimistic and after bedtime rituals is when I am the most real. There is something about preparing those two little humans for bed and tucking them in that just drains me! And for the past few months, I feel like we have been pushed along by this tide that just sweeps through our house and directs all of our actions. So today, was good in that I broke free from the undertow and made it up on the beach, by walking and not by being tossed!
But today was also a struggle. Cadence started refusing to nurse. A few months ago i felt like my supply was decreasing because I had too many days away from her and although I pump, if she doesn’t go to breast, my milk production decreases. So at that time, I was wrestling with giving her formula and giving up on nursing. But then I was going in a little later and getting to feed her every night for the 7:00 feed and I felt like my production was boosted back to normal. But today, she acted like she did not want to nurse from me and fear struck. WHY?!?!? Was my production down? I did work the past three nights and missed out on those feedings. She was excited to see the daily bottle of prune juice...so, was she just too used to the bottle now and protesting me? I mean, she would literally pull away from me and not even try to latch. Ugh! I could feel her getting lighter and lighter. I had decided that she was going to go to the bottle and since I’m not good at making milk with pumping, formula it was. Fed is best, right? I researched (eh-hem, in this case I googled) “the most like breastmilk formula). The top contender? Earth’s Best organic sensitive with DHA/ARA. Ok great. I would go to Target after community group and pick up a can. (never mind that my breasts were producing milk and supply was not the issue--as she had milk draining from her mouth when she would pull away and scream at me. Surely she just “didn’t want to breastfeed any longer and she was weaning herself.)
So I go to Target, pressed for time because Lance has to leave for work and I have exactly one hour to get there and back. One. Hour. Hello, have you been to target? There are too many pretty/shiny things to be limited on time while shopping at Target. First stop, girls clothes for an Easter dress. i probably spent a good twenty minutes in this section. I finally have a few things picked out. Yes, a few. i couldn’t just get one dress. I also had to get a romper and a pair of tights and a sun hat. Priorities. I almost make it out of clothes when I remembered that I needed to get Gabe a new blazer. That’s when I realize the new boy toddler section for daily clothes containing items other than pajamas and swim clothes, consists of one rack that holds two different dress shirts, two different pair of pants and three different casual shirts. So I pout and rant for a minute, stroll over to the boys section and stare at an XS 4/5 button down shirt and try to picture it on my 36 pound almost 5 year old before rolling my eyes and getting aggravated once again by the lack of options. But then it was on to the formula finally. I spend a good 5 minutes picking out various organic simple ingredient baby food items consisting of “just” ingredients. Just apples. Just green beans. Just prunes. Then I turn to the dreaded formula. Now let me stop you right here, if you formula fed/feed, I’m not putting you down. Your choice to formula feed is just that, your choice and what worked for you, was best for you. This is simply my story. I’m sure there will be someone who feels the need to tell me that “formula is fine”. I know it is fine. But...
Now back to the formula. So at first I don’t see it. I see the Honest baby brand. I see that price. yikes. then finally, I see it. I stand there analyzing the cans. Earth’s Best Organic Sensitivity DHA/ARA. But then there’s another one “Earth’s Best Organic Organic Sensitive DHA. Wait, so is the first not organic? But it’s Earth’s Best Organic brand. Doesn’t that mean it’s organic? And what was ARA for again? I know the DHA but what is the significance of ARA? Oh wait, this non-ARA is No GMO. Wait, there was an article going around about why you shouldn’t eat non-GMO foods but I didn’t read that so I don’t know what the argument is. Okay, I’ll compare ingredients...eh, what the?!? nothing simple like “just boob milk”. Oh crap, 23 minutes til time to be back. Well, I’ll grab the $30 container and don’t forget the special infant water. Head for the check out as thoughts of stopping breastfeeding bounce through my head and how she is my last one and I want her to be healthy so I want her fed but I have milk, but she isn’t drinking my milk but I’m making milk but she is so tiny and it is all jumbled in my brain. Then, there it is. One cashier open and 5 people ahead of me. Immediately parked the cart next to the candy trap and exited the store. Formula crisis diverted. Wasted an hour and came home empty handed but still full of milk on my chest!
So then I start researching reasons why she may be protesting. How can I coax her to nurse? And then boom! There it was. . . “Hormones. Pre-menstruation and menstruation may cause a baby to nurse less or refuse because the mother and milk may smell different and the milk changes and may be saltier.” Oh yes, that little womanly wonder showed back up today after nearly 18 blissful months and with her she brought the acne back as well. 35 and breaking out. It’s like I’m in high school again. Seriously, I had terrible skin. I remember one year when I showed my dad my school picture, his reply was “your skin looks better than last year.” He didn’t mean anything and I remember calling him out on it and it never made me self conscious (more than I already was) so I don’t need therapy or anything. i just remember it because it was a little rude but funny (like the kind of funny you sit around with your cousins and reminisce about) and it was definitely true. But back to the topic at hand...perhaps, that’s why she’s been so moody. It more than likely was the cause of my evening downward spiral.
